Follow
Share

Why do I have a file full of scripts for tests, bloodwork, MRI etc for myself? I go to the doctor but never follow thru. However, mom is up to date on everything! I just ran into a neighbor/caregiver who lost her mom last year. She told me within 3 months of her mom passing away she began having serious health issues. She said she just fell apart. I just can't seem to find time with work, kids, caring for mom.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
You are like most of us. You are too busy caring for other to care for yourself. imagine, also, that you are so sick of sitting in doctor's offices you can hardly handle the thought of going for yourself.
Like you, I let my own checkups slide. I was fortunate not to encounter anything horrible, but I did contract an autoimmune situation - very common in caregivers. All any of us can say is that you MUST find time to follow up on your own care. Hire respite care for your mom, take sick leave from work, whatever you must do, you need to take care of yourself. If you don't and you get sick, who will take care of all the people you take care of now?
You are as important as they are. Please follow through on your own healthcare, too, before you have something that will take over your life - and theirs.
Carol
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

My mom lives next door to me, she's 75yrs old on oxygen 24/7 never drove, worked or had friends. I am one of 5 children and the main care giver. I have one sister who shows up about once a month to take mom to lunch. One sibling a man lives too far away and works crazy hours. Two sisters are out of the picture because they are dysfunctional. I have breast cancer and will start chemo next week for six sessions once every three weeks followed by six weeks of radiation. I have been to so many doctors have had so many test. My mother was just in the hospital for a week with C.O.P.D. issues then in a rehab for a week. I had to deal with all her doctors and paper work. I have practically begged my sister for help and get excuses. Her friends and husbands side of the family think she's a Saint. If they only knew what she was really like. I have a long road ahead of me and can only hope this sister will pitch in, but I doubt it.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Dear Finky5,
I too let all my doctors appts and upkeep of my health slide and went downhill. I am still 10 pds underweight. I got sick all of the time, my allergies got worse, I had emotional breakdowns, I never followed up with doctors appts myself. Until..... I had to hire CG to help me out with Mom and Dad not only for upkeep shopping of the house, etc....but so that I can follow up with my own doctors appts. I know that you've probably heard this a million times, but you cannot keep taking care of Mom if you don't take care of yourself. You must MAKE the time to follow up on your doctors appts, not only for your Mom, but for yourself and your children. Your children need you healthy and strong. Think of them if you have difficulty thinking of yourself. You may end up in hospital sooner than Mom if you don't, then where will your children and Mom be without you?
Hire CG for those times that you must see the doctors. Please, please take care of yourself and get to those doctors appts!!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Even with companion/nurse care for Mom things happen and I am still behind on all the check ups I need. Nurse gets sick, doctor takes vacation, sister can't show up for whatever reason.

That is all about to change and the rest of this year will be all about me!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Finding time to care for ourselves is almost impossible. Do you have a spouse who could take a vacation day or personal leave day once a month to give you days to squeeze in dental appts, trips to the bank, dr's appts etc. If no, plan on hiring a caregiver ( be sure they are bonded, have criminal checks, and are insured.) Unless you've heard of an excellent caregiver,I would NOT hire someone from the newspaper. Go to an agency like Home Instead. Very expensive, I know, but they are well established. Have you thought and inquired about Hospice? Medicare pays in full.! Call them. No longer does the patient have to be on death's door. God bless. Sending hugs! Corinne
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I agree with you, Finky. I have my Mom living with me, and I'm so busy doing her stuff constantly, that I don't have a moment to myself. I feel lately like I'm going to smother. I love her dearly, but I have no time for ME! My husband and I can never go away for a couple of days. I can't go to the store, for God's sake, without Mom. I had the shingles several months ago. All through that ordeal, I continued to try to do my Mom things. She is looking for me every 5 minutes, I kid you not. I just had a 48 hr heart monitor, to see if I have heart problems as a result of palpitations. I have IBS, which is killing me right now. I just feel like I'm a ticking time bomb, and yet there seems to be no alternative for me. I resist getting strangers in my home to help w/ Mom. Who knows what they are like. A big question mark! And I have no relatives in my vicinity to help. And, when ppl recommend caregiving help so frequently, which I get all the time from my friends, do they have any clue as to how expensive those places are? Who could afford them? And even if you could afford them, how do you know the quality, integrity, and nuturing capabilities of a stranger? Isn't it just a crap shoot? I find it a huge dilemna. But I just can't put my Mom in Assisted Living or Memory Care. She's really sweet and I love her to death, and she'd be heartbroken, and my guilt from doing that would probably kill me. Sheesh. I'm in a Catch 22. Good luck, Finky. I can so relate to what you're saying.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

If you don't begin to take steps even small ones then your health goes out the
window. I have been caring for Mother for close to 9yrs I shut down for one whole month thot I was dieing stayed in the bed, got thru that then went to ER for emergency gallbladder removal had to have Mother go to other family in other city for 2 weeks, she just passed Oct 4 so now I can breathe so relieved but please get help somewhere, there's more help now than ever & PRAY,PRAY,PRAY I am prayin for all you caregivers out there you are making God smile
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I am finally going to take care of myself as I've been my MIL caregiver for almost 4 years. My health has went downhill fast, my husband says its stress REALLY?? But he doesn't get except for MY family and friends. And now that I'm having my surgery this month his family suddenly disappeared we haven't heard hide nor hair. We're hoping to be getting IHHS in time but if not, not sure what my husband will do. Very sad because his sister live minutes away!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

sal2313: I can really, really relate to your situation. I'm the sole caretaker for my mother, who has dementia issues and is very demanding, and I endured lengthy treatment for breast cancer last year, including chemo, surgery and radiation. I'm fine now, and hope and pray you will be too. But Girl, this is a very, very rough project you have in front of you. You are absolutely going to have to have some help with your mom, at least from time to time, so please be proactive and get some arrangements made up front. The worst chemo side effect is the fatigue. This is not just plain old tired. This is the most tired you have ever been in your entire life, multiplied by 100. It may come and go between chemo treatments, but there are going to be days when you are just not going to be able to keep up, and you absolutely must have a fallback plan in place. The American Cancer Society does a lot of things for cancer patients, including providing free rides to treatment--contact them on the internet. I was fortunate to have received my treatment from a large cancer specialty hospital, and they had psychologists and social workers to help with things like this, so that's another possibility. Ask your doctor for referrals. Also, contact both your Area Agency on Aging (federal program, in the phone book and on line), and the alzheimers.org association and ask for help, advice and referrals for both your mom and yourself. If you have any family or friends that may be able to pitch in even occasionally, get them lined up. If you belong to a church or other organization, ask for help there. There is help out there, but you have to be proactive and track it down; and you have to ask. Most people are delighted to have something specific to do to help in a situation like this. Another possibility is to get your mom into temporary nursing or assisted living care while you work on your recovery; you may be able to line up a facility for her that will taker her overnight from time to time when you especially need the relief. The American Cancer Society also has helpful programs for you--including pairing you up with a volunteer who has been through similar cancer treatment and can be there for you to track down help or just to listen. You will make it through this--just try to be as kind and patient with yourself as you possibly can, and take it one day at a time. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hugs, hugs, hugs, and hugs.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Everybody says to care for yourself, or else! No pressure there. Anybody have strategies for how? I still have gift cards for a series of massages from last Christmas in my wallet.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I have a gift massage from almost a year and a half ago and its still sitting in my calendar doing nothing. Can't get myself out there either, but I know I need it, and I know better. I should take my own advice shouldn't I? I don't have any children so I kind of unconsciously think my health doesn't matter.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

We moved my Mom in with us over 8 years ago. I work full-time in addition to taking care of Mom. My health has been declining for the last couple of years and I KNOW I need to do something but feel stuck. I am only 48 years old and I'm on high blood pressure, anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, and anti-IBS medicine. I also have celiac disease and arthritis. One brother who only sees her on holidays and at family events. I suppose I can continue to manage this way as long as as my GP continues feeding me meds for everything that ails me. I've begged brother and SIL to help and usually it results in months of estrangement. Mom had a hip replacement in June and fell two weeks after, breaking her femur on the hip replacement side. She came home July 7th and my brother has visited her once since then. It's too much trouble and causes me too much anxiety to even try to put together a family "team" to help. Sorry to be such a wet blanket but I've tried for 8 years and I'm pretty much done.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

It just digusts me when siblings are so uncaring and unloving and some of the stuff I read form all of you makes me cringe with sadness for all you. I pray for all of you out there with these horrible problems.
Dear Kathyh, go to God with humility of prayers for enabling of you to continue to take care of Mom and to heal you from all of your sicknesses.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

My husband was ill for 16 years before he passed away in 2000. There was no caregiving site to explore how to cope and my health broke down completely. I had no idea how to get out of constant demands, let alone running our business and I have an autoimmune disorder. Listen to the advice, even a walk around the block or a nap can make a big difference. Just do one little thing for yourself every day; you can lose yourself in the role and it's hard to come out of it. Now it's my 90 year old mother and this time I'm getting help and I'm exploring the helpful advice of this wonderful forum every day. Take care.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Most dont..ask me 54 with anal cancer because I was so busy and the Drs at ER told me I had hemmoroids that I did not get scoped,,,kept bleeding, finally begged for a colonoscopy..stage 3B anal cancer with ingualaul nodes
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I think the doctor I need to see most is a psychologist. I've had one recommended to me, but have never made an appointment. It's so hard to get out of the house without my husband w/dementia. I can't make a move that he isn't following me. I can't go to the bathroom without him knocking on the door. Physically, I guess I'm OK, but mentally I feel empty inside. This is so hard.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Caregivers usually experience periods of stress, anxiety, depression, and frustration. Here are a few suggestion to help all caregivers stay stress-free (to some extent).
1. Find support – Don't shy away from asking for support, when needed.
2. Recognize the signs of stress – You set your own limits.
3. Get help.
4. Be kind and patient with yourself.
5. Take care of your body.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

the support seems to have gone underground somewhere, I could not find the time to take care of me trying to get help for my 82 year old husband with ALZ, I collapsed last week (I am 68) right to the ER, I needed 3 blood transfusions, oh my anxiety here is off the roof
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

If you needed 3 units of blood, you were seriously anemic. I hope they did other tests, as well. Could you have some internal bleeding?

It seems to me that you really need to look into placing your husband in a nursing home. Yes, it will be hard and you may have to spend down assets, but you can't help him or yourself like this.

You've got to get out from under this stress of daily care without help. You'll still have stress if he's in a nursing home, but it will be more manageable. If you don't find some way to lower your stress, even with the difference in your ages, you could die before your husband.

Please talk with your doctor and your husband's doctor about how to move forward.
Carol
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

hi Minding yes other tests were done, I was in Johns Hopkins, they wanted me to stay an extra day to go in and if it was an ulcer they could seal it right then, but my husband was being transferred to a transition/medication facility and I had to leave, but did see my PC within days, blood test showed my numbers going up and out of the anemic range, she also put in a consult to have the scope done, soon as I can find someone to go with me as I cannot drive myself home. But I am feeling much better, I have also asked to start seeing a therapist on a weekly basis, my husband was home with me and we were doing fine, I made the mistake early Oct to take him to Bethesda Naval Hospital to see if he may have a bleed due to tripping while walking our dog ( he is on Prodaxa) he was fine, very calm, then they injected him with Halydol (?) and he went crazy. 12 days there, then to VA where he was physically hurt by a staff member, stitches on head bruises all over his body, then they shipped him to a transition home at Sinai Hosp where he is now, it is so hard for me to grasp all of this, he has one daughter , 53 a RN 20 minutes from us who has not even inquired about him, a lost cause there. So it is me, but I appreciate & will take your advice, I know I have to stay strong to get us through this, I want him back home, that is my goal, he knows me, misses me & his two cockers immensly. Thanks for listening
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Just a note that my dad was given Haldol after a failed brain surgery (due to a WWII brain injury not aging well) - the drug was awful. He was so paranoid and afraid it was heartbreaking. I had to fight like crazy to get him off of it.

You've been through a lot with your health and his. I'm so sorry is daughter - an RN! - can't take time for him. Truly, though, as much as you miss him and want to have him home, a nearby nursing home close to where you live so you could spend as much time as you wish with him would likely be better. In the end, we all have to make our own decisions based on, well, not great choices! Please keep up with this support group. There are amazing people on agingcare.
Carol
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I agree 100% with Lori - she has experienced what you're going through and you must listen to what she says. Even before I read her post I was thinking "Finky you are going to have to get real" but when you read what Lori says I hope it will drive it home. You simply will not be able to cope while you are undergoing treatment. Get support in place NOW while you just about have the energy to do it. Prayers and hugs and a good following wind, and I wish for your treatment to go smoothly; but help with caring for your mother will be essential to your recovery.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I honestly can't relate to the answers above but let me share my thoughts on how to take care of our health. As a caregiver, most of the time, I don't go out on my day off, I only have 1 day for myself, so most of the time, I spend the day at my bed and later think of any activity that can surely take the stress out of me. Like riding a bike or spend time at the spa.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I changed all of her doctors to the doctors I can go to too
and have done this for years, so I do two for one and don't double up on anything.

MY STAMINA WAS SO POOR I STARTED USING EASTERN MEDICINE,
I looked everything up ashwaghanda, licorice root, and dandelion root and take each tablet every three days, one day ashwaghanda, the next day licorice root and day after that the dandelion, in the form of capsules, I do not like herbal teas.

1. "Ashwagandha, an exotic Indian herb, has remarkable stress-relieving properties comparable to those of powerful drugs used to treat depression and anxiety. In addition to its excellent protective effects on the nervous system, ashwagandha may be a promising alternative treatment for a variety of degenerative diseases such as Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s. Ashwagandha has powerful antioxidant properties that seek and destroy the free radicals that have been implicated in aging and numerous disease states. Even more remarkable, emerging evidence suggests that ashwagandha has anti-cancer benefits as well."

2. Licorice is used for various digestive system complaints including stomach ulcers, heartburn, colic, and ongoing inflammation of the lining of the stomach (chronic gastritis). Some people use licorice for sore throat, bronchitis, cough, and infections caused by bacteria or viruses. Licorice is also used for osteoarthritis, systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE), liver disorders, malaria, tuberculosis, food poisoning, and chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS).

and last but not least dandelion root, Dandelion is used for loss of appetite, upset stomach, intestinal gas, gallstones, joint pain, muscle aches, eczema, and bruises. Dandelion is also used to increase urine production and as a laxative to increase bowel movements. It is also used as skin toner, blood tonic, and digestive tonic. Some people use dandelion to treat infection, especially viral infections, and cancer.

All the above quotes were taken from the www.webMD and I have felt so much better, there is no doubt, that caregiving is a stresser and one cannot ignore the psychological side effects, why then do we make the decisions to be caregivers?

Doing the right thing doesn't always feel comfortable, there have been many days when I've said, I want to throw in the towel, why do I keep doing it?

I too am going in for some kind of foot surgery, i have been wearing a boot since before Christmas, and am in a soft cast for three weeks now, awaiting news of my MRI, the surgery will require months of non weight bearing activity and with have left sided hemi paralysis from one of my strokes, I wonder how much longer I can go on caregiving...
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I'm a strong proponent of alternative treatments. First of all, most western medical practices look at and see one issue and treat it (successfully or otherwise), and rarely look at the entire situation. I much prefer Traditional Chinese Medicine and holistic health care, since they observe and are concerned about the WHOLE body/mind. WMP is beginning to promote healthy living, and yay for that (diet, exercise, etc), but still, when an issue comes up, it's targeted therapy, which doesn't sit well with me.

It takes a LOT of self-education, and I suppose that's the rub. It's MY responsibility and time to do the research and to educate myself. It's certainly time consuming. And it's not covered by any insurance (god forbid insurance ever considers paying for vitamins or other supplements, lol .. the system would fall apart). But it's worth the trade-off, for me. While I don't actively see a practitioner or doctor, I *do* take the time to take care of myself. Have to. Otherwise, I'm out of a job.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I try to plan some of my apts when I schedule my parents. Dentist, eye dr ,family Dr. Works out well for all of us I know this will not work if you need a specialist, but for routine stuff it is working for us. I also let the CG take mom and dad to routine things
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I've slowly seen my health decline over the last two years as my mom has needed more and more help. I used to go to the gym but, mom would call me over and over while I was there, stopped doing that. I would go for walks or bike riding but again the same thing, slowly, I stopped doing the things I enjoyed/were good for me until I realized, I'm home a whole lot, much to my chagrin but, to the seeming liking of my mom.

I've just come to realize that I tire easily, where I used to walk for miles, walking a few streets has now become difficult. I've put on more weight than I care to mention and, I no longer go to the doctor.

You MUST find time for yourself. I'm beginning to start doing that again.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

People say to do something for yourself. I'm not even sure what that means any more. I cared for my mother at her house daily for 18 years in addition to working full time and taking care of her house inside and out and my own house. After her massive stroke I moved into her house to be her 24/7 caregiver. I am in year 4. Everything for me has gone by the wayside, everything is for her. Sometimes I wonder how much longer I can do this. She usually doesn't let me sleep more than an hour at a time. I'm lucky if I can get enough to eat. I haven't had a doctor or dentist appointment since 2014. My car hasn't been inspected for over 3 years. I haven't had a haircut for almost 2 years. I get pains from stress and not enough rest. I have tried to get a caregiver in for a few hours a week so I can take care of some of my business. I have not found anyone willing to be responsible to be alone with her. She is 91 and has late-stage dementia. I thought that was their job, but I am still looking.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Are you in the U.S.? Have you applied for Medicaid on your parent's behalf?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I can’t keep up with my health needs and be with my father especially. He’s waiting at the door with one assignment after another. My mother has been at a AL facility for two months now and really is blooming. Her health concerns have been addressed now and the social aspect of living in AL plus how well they tend to her needs, she’s just doing so much better!

Then there’s my dad, he’s 88 but with few physical problems. He does have COPD, I know he has limited energy because I have COPD also. And my mobility is not good either. I told my mom I can help though and offered to see about their taxes. My brain works but my poor mom has moderate dementia.

My daughter and I live approximately 4 hours away from my parents. The only time I can tend to my own health is when I go home and take a break. Our breaks save my daughter and I a lot, allowing us our time to ourselves.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter