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hi, Since my dad's passing, mum has left home lived off a suitcase with relatives in a nearby country, and has been difficult and quite 'selfish' as such they are giving up on her. Both my sister and my spouse are terrified of her loud and demanding approach and DO NOT want her to stay with us. Mum on the other hand, while mobile but on medication, is still fiery at 80 plus and starts yelling and shouting at us for being ungrateful children, when we are trying out best to manage her finances, and well being. We are now thinking of renting a place for her, with a helper full time to keep her company( she is quite a coward and does not like being alone) or to a Catholic home where she has planned activities. Since dad passed on, she fears staying in the old home, and sort of just gave up on life, staring into blank space or spends the day snoozing. any adive for us as we are both quite stressed out , not least any next step would mean a big financial cost. Thanks.

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hi All, thanks for the advice. Much appreciated. Mum will try out the Catholic home in Angpang KL next week. But vowed to run away if she did not like it, and sort of everytime we call, she accuses us of 'dumping her' and only cares how and where she will stay, not of any of my sis or my families welfare or how her grandchildren are doing, its only that she wants to stay with her children, period. That is stressing all of us up.
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Nursing Home fees in Malaysia range from $1200-3500 per month. Contact the Department of Social Welfare there. The government runs some 48 facilities for the elderly. They can send a Social Worker to visit her and assess her needs.
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I would definitely opt for the Catholic residential care option. One to one hired care in her own place would leave you at your mother's mercy: any time she felt like making life difficult for you two she could easily pick a fight with and/or fire her paid caregiver. You'd be lucky to get anyone to stay longer than a fortnight. If that.

Is your mother originally from Malaysia? The reason I ask is that although you obviously don't want to shirk your responsibilities, if she has never lived in Europe before then the upheaval and culture-shock involved in bringing her to a place near you would seem to make that idea a complete non-starter.

Which means... your sister is the lucky winner! But NOT in terms of allowing your mother to move in. Actually, in a way it's easier for your sister to say that her husband won't have it, than it would be for you to tell your mother that your wife won't have it: I'm stereotyping, but I'm assuming that your mother will respect a husband's opinion more than a wife's?

So the family needs to be looking for somewhere within manageable travelling distance of your sister's place - not so that your sister can visit every day, but simply because otherwise dealing with the paperwork and related tasks becomes problematic. You can help her by researching on line and following up inspection reports and references. Narrow it down to a shortlist, then someone (probably your sister but ideally both of you) needs to visit the places in person and spend a bit of time looking around. A good facility will welcome that, and be happy to answer questions in detail.

The other important thing is: is your sister going to be living in Singapore indefinitely? Because of course it would be a bit harsh to get your mother into a facility there and then move house thousands of miles away the following week. Your mother might take it personally...
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Well not knowing what care options are available to her in your homeland all I can say is you have a large challenge ahead of you - her behavior is quite common with elderly dementia and someone will need to oversee her situation even if she is moved to a facility - would she not be comfortable in her own home with a caregiver rather than rent a place ? How often can you or sister visit her ?
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hi , mum is living with relatives in Malaysia currently. Challenge is I am based in Europe, and sister is in Singapore. However both our spouses are NOT willing to let her stay, given her 'bad reputation' in the past 2 decades, wanting her own way, and so long as things go her way, all will be fine. And while we as her children can be willing to tolerate that, we have to maintain good replations with our spouses who are not giving in, as they now have a phobia of the sight or sound of her voice ! My mum visited and wife ran off to a hotel nearby...that is how bad the situation is. As such I am looking at other options where she has company, a spiritual connection and maybe likeminded friends - even then, we can be quite sure she will be bad mouthing both of us !!!
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Has your mom been evaluated by an doctor? Could she have some kind of illness that is causing her erratic behavior?

You say that she is sleeping and staring in space, but that she also shouts erratically, Is she still doing that? Did this all start after the death of her husband?

I'd try to get her evaluated and treated. Maybe she needs medication. The problem could be any number of things. But, if she is diagnosed and treated, perhaps her behavior will become more manageable and she can stay with some of her children OR at least you will be able to make arrangements for her and she would be more content.
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Where are you and your mother? What country, I mean.
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