Our Kids want us to move back up North after living in Florida 33 years. We have no Family Support in Florida but hate the cold Winters in the North. Our health issues are increasing. Trying to adjust ........
My Mom is now 94 and lives next door to me and my husband. She is single and I'm her only. By God's grace, she was able to purchase the little house next to us in 1997 when we were first starting our family. She did a "reverse retirement move" because she was living (and still working) in FL. She moved in with us temporarily when our first son was born (for 6 months). Then went back to FL for a while. She liked it here in MN enough to consider living here. She spent most of her life in NY/NJ..
At 94, she is still able to drive short distances, uses cleats to walk down her icy driveway in the winter to get her mail and shovel (yes, she still insists on doing some shoveling) and really enjoys gardening and yard work in the warm months. She is just starting to have the beginnings of mild cognitive decline and advancing osteoarthritis in her back, knees and hands. I'm her DPoA. She is gradually needing more and more help. She sometimes has a memory hiccup that worries me and makes me glad I was close to her. She's also fallen in her yard but was able to call me and 911 since I had her "trained" early on to *always* have her phone with her. If you have young grandkids, you living near them would be a gift to them and yourselves (at least it was in our instance).
My Aunt (her sister) has lived in Ft. Pierce FL since 1977 and is 104. She never goes outside anymore so if I ever had to bring her up to MN (because I'm also her DPoA) it wouldn't be a huge adjustment.
So, it's a trade-off. Also, please be realistic and understand that it only takes 1 health crisis or incident to change everything overnight. No one ever expects it to happen to them. And surely no one ever really thinks they will get dementia. It's very gradual and a lot of crapola can happen that precedes ramped-up help (like getting scammed, burning things on the stove, getting lost while driving, forgetting to take essential meds or taking too much of them, forgetting to eat, forgetting how to use the appliances, etc). Loss of judgment and empathy creates chaos for elders and their caregivers. A Care Manager may or may not catch things that are evidence of an impending crisis -- after all, you wouldn't be their only client and they can only know something if they find it out.
My friend had a tracker in her elderly Mom's car. She was recorded as driving 80 mph on a suburban road, more than once. Also making an illegal u-turn on a highway. Everything else about her didn't seem suspect (I know this woman personally). No Care Manager would have known about the speeding until they had to visit her in the police station, hospital or morgue.
My Aunt in FL lives in a crappy county with barely any services. I've contacted their Agency on Aging for their county several times and no one ever returns my calls. So, be careful not to depend too much on services, especially if they're run by volunteers.
Look for transportation services (and FYI they don't transport people with dementia unless they are accompanied), in-home services, a thriving senior center that offers services, and places that have easily accessible activities for seniors. Also it helps to live near good medical care! My Aunt lives near the Cleveland Clinic, Urgent Care, ER, specialists and rehab centers. She's needed them all this past year.
Also, you (and your spouse) may be thoughtful, reasonable people now -- but any plan you agree upon with your kids and put into place may be overturned if you become resistant due to dementia and memory impairment. There are plenty of posts on this forum from adult children who are PoAs and can't get their parents to do something that is in their best interests. It's stressful, time consuming, exhausting.
The caregiving arrangement has to work for both the receivers and givers. You will need to have some very honest and realistic conversations with your kids about hopes and expectations as you both age. If your kids are married, remember they have their in-laws, too.
My daughter's in-laws live in the South; she and her DH are in NY. Other adult kids are all over the world.
The mid-80 yo parents don't see that their house is deteriorating, that they need cleaning help and that they are one fall away from needing LOTs of help.
I understand about the cold--I really do. But think about getting yourself someplace where there is easy access to good medical care, groceries and activities. Don't expect your kids to take weeks off from work to tend to you.
Your children or you want to move? You have lived apart for 33 yrs and it seems just fine. Don’t move for your children’s convenience. Your whole life is in Florida. I’m sure there is a lot of at home help available and health services. Once you move you can’t go back. The costs of moving will be a lot. Don’t let children ha light you into moving if you yourself have not raised the issue. Don’t complain to them about things as this will make them feel guilty then this will turn to resentment.
You could hire a geriatric care manager to look after things for you. They do the things you expect your kids to do for you. If your kids think they will be happy taking care of two oldsters who miss their Florida lifestyle of 33 years, they’re wrong. They have no idea how hard it is to look after aging parents. Spare them and spare yourselves.
Boy, I hear you. One of my friends just moved many states away to Oregon to live near her son and she keeps raising the question.
My mom moved from southwestern coastal Florida back to the north after my dad died. Our family culture is taking care of your elderly parents. Mom and Dad's siblings all shared the care of their elderly parents. We are a large family and that makes a big difference.
Mom missed having a social life of her peers after the move. I think she made the move too soon. She couldn't drive in the winter and nothing is within walking distance. Her world became smaller and smaller.
My son has already told me that he has picked out a nice nursing home for me near his home. Where he lives has very mild winters.
I figure, at some point, that we will have some sort of interim (before nursing home) housing situation near our son. A place where groceries can be delivered and restaurants and bars are within easy walking distance. A place that still has fun going on that we can get to on our own. Luckily the town my son lives in has these possibilities and is big enough for Uber drivers thanks to being a university town.
We see a lot of your issues but from the perspective of the kids. If you are mentally intact, you have the final say until deemed incompetent. That said, maybe you should seek a 1 or 2 time consult with a geriatric care manager who may cost $200 per hour. Questions to ask can be if it is time to move to a senior apartment such as independent living but still living down south. Do you need financial accounting? There are professionals for that. Find a company before needed for assisting care or look at an AL proactively. You will need to hire movers and do not rely on long distance relatives to help you. Show that you both know how to do it. Preplan your funerals. See a probate or elder lawyer to review papers. A lot depends on you finanacials to age in place in a warmer community. What happens is you get so sick that transportation back north becomes prohibitive and have to remain in place. Your kids will have a difficult time dealing with FL probate to force you back north or probate in FL may have to assign a stranger if need be all the while, that stranger will draw from your accounts for their professional services. If your family is involved it will be a big burden to them. This is why you need education from a geriatric professional to look at options you may not be aware of.
Florida probate was no big deal when I dealt with it for my parents. In states like New Jersey and California it’s said to be more difficult. A friend in South Carolina settled her husband’s estate in about 6 weeks. A friend in Texas settled her husband’s in less than 3 months. Probate isn’t the big bugaboo that some estate lawyers want people to think.
You may want to make a list of pros and cons. What type of Resources are available to you where u live. Call the County you would be moving to find what services you can get there. Both places should have Office of Aging. Could you go together to an Assisted Living? Are the ones in Fla nicer and cheaper? My DHs Aunt lives in a Senior Community. At age 95, her and Uncle live independently for now. But can go into an AL or SNF if needed. You need to explore the options.
I would not move near my children expecting them to "be there". Meaning running errands and being you drive to appts and shopping. I would not live with my girls. Love their visits but with both working to support themselves, it does not leave them time to be at my beck and call. When I am 85 they will be in their 50s.
It would be nice to have family near by but seems you have lived a majority of ur life in Fla. My MIL lived in Fla for 23 yrs. She would not come back to NJ because of the cold. Another woman I know could not do Winters here because cold effected her asthma.
The north also has seniors who are getting thru winters....you won't be alone.
My inlaws live with me - they moved to the northeast from India, which is hot tropical weather. We have heat in the house obviously and they dress warm and don't leave the house in winter unless really necessary like doctor appointments. They are very computer savvy, attend Zoom classes, read large print library books and do puzzles. They also have a huge extended family in India and phone conversations are a great way to kill time for them. We also have family & friends dropping by occasionally on the weekend and MIL enjoys cooking for them.
Please don't be discouraged by the winter - maybe you can start by summers in the northeast, go back to FL in winter initially and then make a permanent move here? You may even enjoy 4 seasons here in the north.
Since you’re able to use the computer, pleeeeease start planning your future. Please don’t dump your un-planned troubles on your kids.
So many of us have elderly parents who just dumped their troubles on us. Your kids have the right to live their lives.
Think of what you want OP, but don’t make things difficult for your kids. If you can handle it all yourself, fine. But what if you can’t? Please don’t plan on giving unnecessary trouble to your kids, which could have been prevented.
Family is very important to all aspects of your life, if you have good relations. Many people, called snowbirds, live in the North in the tolerable months and then stay in warm places, like Florida, Arizona, Spain, etc. in the winter. If that's possible that's a great compromise.
If not I have found that if you have good heat and can afford to have it warm as you want inside then the winter is not so bad. When going outside wear quality winter clothing and unless you are going out early in the morning many people will feel more comfortable dressed properly than being in Florida in July. There's the winter depression in the North, too, but that can managed to an acceptable degree. Having family around really helps.
If you are talking about assistance with living then an assisted living place is the place may want to consider. It's like you're living now but with....assistance. It's not bad at all and allows your family to live their lives and enjoy time with you with the stresses.
At 94, she is still able to drive short distances, uses cleats to walk down her icy driveway in the winter to get her mail and shovel (yes, she still insists on doing some shoveling) and really enjoys gardening and yard work in the warm months. She is just starting to have the beginnings of mild cognitive decline and advancing osteoarthritis in her back, knees and hands. I'm her DPoA. She is gradually needing more and more help. She sometimes has a memory hiccup that worries me and makes me glad I was close to her. She's also fallen in her yard but was able to call me and 911 since I had her "trained" early on to *always* have her phone with her. If you have young grandkids, you living near them would be a gift to them and yourselves (at least it was in our instance).
My Aunt (her sister) has lived in Ft. Pierce FL since 1977 and is 104. She never goes outside anymore so if I ever had to bring her up to MN (because I'm also her DPoA) it wouldn't be a huge adjustment.
So, it's a trade-off. Also, please be realistic and understand that it only takes 1 health crisis or incident to change everything overnight. No one ever expects it to happen to them. And surely no one ever really thinks they will get dementia. It's very gradual and a lot of crapola can happen that precedes ramped-up help (like getting scammed, burning things on the stove, getting lost while driving, forgetting to take essential meds or taking too much of them, forgetting to eat, forgetting how to use the appliances, etc). Loss of judgment and empathy creates chaos for elders and their caregivers. A Care Manager may or may not catch things that are evidence of an impending crisis -- after all, you wouldn't be their only client and they can only know something if they find it out.
My friend had a tracker in her elderly Mom's car. She was recorded as driving 80 mph on a suburban road, more than once. Also making an illegal u-turn on a highway. Everything else about her didn't seem suspect (I know this woman personally). No Care Manager would have known about the speeding until they had to visit her in the police station, hospital or morgue.
My Aunt in FL lives in a crappy county with barely any services. I've contacted their Agency on Aging for their county several times and no one ever returns my calls. So, be careful not to depend too much on services, especially if they're run by volunteers.
Look for transportation services (and FYI they don't transport people with dementia unless they are accompanied), in-home services, a thriving senior center that offers services, and places that have easily accessible activities for seniors. Also it helps to live near good medical care! My Aunt lives near the Cleveland Clinic, Urgent Care, ER, specialists and rehab centers. She's needed them all this past year.
Also, you (and your spouse) may be thoughtful, reasonable people now -- but any plan you agree upon with your kids and put into place may be overturned if you become resistant due to dementia and memory impairment. There are plenty of posts on this forum from adult children who are PoAs and can't get their parents to do something that is in their best interests. It's stressful, time consuming, exhausting.
The caregiving arrangement has to work for both the receivers and givers. You will need to have some very honest and realistic conversations with your kids about hopes and expectations as you both age. If your kids are married, remember they have their in-laws, too.
The mid-80 yo parents don't see that their house is deteriorating, that they need cleaning help and that they are one fall away from needing LOTs of help.
I understand about the cold--I really do. But think about getting yourself someplace where there is easy access to good medical care, groceries and activities. Don't expect your kids to take weeks off from work to tend to you.
(Ventingisback)
My mom moved from southwestern coastal Florida back to the north after my dad died. Our family culture is taking care of your elderly parents. Mom and Dad's siblings all shared the care of their elderly parents. We are a large family and that makes a big difference.
Mom missed having a social life of her peers after the move. I think she made the move too soon. She couldn't drive in the winter and nothing is within walking distance. Her world became smaller and smaller.
My son has already told me that he has picked out a nice nursing home for me near his home. Where he lives has very mild winters.
I figure, at some point, that we will have some sort of interim (before nursing home) housing situation near our son. A place where groceries can be delivered and restaurants and bars are within easy walking distance. A place that still has fun going on that we can get to on our own. Luckily the town my son lives in has these possibilities and is big enough for Uber drivers thanks to being a university town.
I would absolutely hate living in a place with long, bitterly cold winters.
If you didn’t have children, you wouldn’t be considering moving to a colder climate.
You love Florida, so look into care options there that don’t require your children’s assistance.
Best wishes to you and your wife.
It's also the shorter daylight hours and cold.
Questions to ask can be if it is time to move to a senior apartment such as independent living but still living down south. Do you need financial accounting? There are professionals for that. Find a company before needed for assisting care or look at an AL proactively. You will need to hire movers and do not rely on long distance relatives to help you. Show that you both know how to do it.
Preplan your funerals.
See a probate or elder lawyer to review papers.
A lot depends on you finanacials to age in place in a warmer community. What happens is you get so sick that transportation back north becomes prohibitive and have to remain in place. Your kids will have a difficult time dealing with FL probate to force you back north or probate in FL may have to assign a stranger if need be all the while, that stranger will draw from your accounts for their professional services. If your family is involved it will be a big burden to them.
This is why you need education from a geriatric professional to look at options you may not be aware of.
I would not move near my children expecting them to "be there". Meaning running errands and being you drive to appts and shopping. I would not live with my girls. Love their visits but with both working to support themselves, it does not leave them time to be at my beck and call. When I am 85 they will be in their 50s.
It would be nice to have family near by but seems you have lived a majority of ur life in Fla. My MIL lived in Fla for 23 yrs. She would not come back to NJ because of the cold. Another woman I know could not do Winters here because cold effected her asthma.
My inlaws live with me - they moved to the northeast from India, which is hot tropical weather. We have heat in the house obviously and they dress warm and don't leave the house in winter unless really necessary like doctor appointments. They are very computer savvy, attend Zoom classes, read large print library books and do puzzles. They also have a huge extended family in India and phone conversations are a great way to kill time for them. We also have family & friends dropping by occasionally on the weekend and MIL enjoys cooking for them.
Please don't be discouraged by the winter - maybe you can start by summers in the northeast, go back to FL in winter initially and then make a permanent move here? You may even enjoy 4 seasons here in the north.
So many of us have elderly parents who just dumped their troubles on us. Your kids have the right to live their lives.
Think of what you want OP, but don’t make things difficult for your kids. If you can handle it all yourself, fine. But what if you can’t? Please don’t plan on giving unnecessary trouble to your kids, which could have been prevented.
(Ventingisback)
If not I have found that if you have good heat and can afford to have it warm as you want inside then the winter is not so bad. When going outside wear quality winter clothing and unless you are going out early in the morning many people will feel more comfortable dressed properly than being in Florida in July. There's the winter depression in the North, too, but that can managed to an acceptable degree. Having family around really helps.
If you are talking about assistance with living then an assisted living place is the place may want to consider. It's like you're living now but with....assistance. It's not bad at all and allows your family to live their lives and enjoy time with you with the stresses.