How can I find time to take care of myself without going out of my mind?

It is not easy to do all this alone and if you have friends that offer to help that is great. In my experience the friends who would actually help live out of state, and the friends nearby turn tail and run. I am not sure what they are afraid of. Dropping a casserole or some cookies at your door shouldn't be so scary. You really see who your friends are at times like this. I am also hearing of a lot of sibling fighting going on with people I know dealing with parent caregiving about finances and care giving. I have no siblings to help me, but at the same time I am not experiencing conflict with a sibling like some of my friends are. Many times I wish I had siblings to help. I guess people act differently under pressure and some people just run. For those of you that may have had a rough Christmas...take comfort in that it is about over, you got the work done, and try to remember that tomorrow is a new day.

Heart2heart, I'm sorry you tried to make Christmas special and it was ruined. You sound like you really need a break and you must make caring for yourself a priority. Please read what others have written and try some of those ideas.
One thing that's encouraging- is if you can take your mother to church, that means she is able to get out of the house. You can look into a 'senior day program' (a daycare-type program for elders) in your area. Please look into it.
Also, you can still start the New Year "right" by lowering your expectations (of making things 'special') and by promising yourself that you're not going to let your mother berate you, for any reason. Everything doesn't have to be special. Good enough is okay. This takes a change in your thinking, which is possible. There's not much you can do to change your mother's thinking, but you CAN stop letting it control you.

You are special! Begin by being kind to yourself and stop worrying about pleasing anyone. No person can make you feel bad unless you let them!

It is hard to listen to advice on taking care of yourself, when you are overwhelmed with caring for three others, not counting yourself. One gets so far behind, and sometimes I don't know how to get all the paperwork done as well as to run a house that I didn;t before. Taxes, health care, future nursing or assisted living homes, patience, knowledge, etc. etc. Then I feel my health is going down..cancer, ankle ulcers, c.o.p.d., sleep apnea, worry, worry worry....It sure easn't easy....marymember

This may be an obvious observation, but I noticed that in my running about and taking care of things that I am often not drinking enough water! It is so easy to forget to stay hydrated. If you drink enough water it helps you feel more focused and able to deal with everything. Sometimes if things are rough, stop and have a couple sips of water and take a couple deep breaths to help you feel better!

I have been caring for my mum with dementia for over 12 years now she cant do a thing for herself bit still thinks she can get up and walk so leaving her to even get myself a shower is a challenge i recently lost my dad who i also cared for so this had not been the best of years but i love mum so much i will continue caring for her even though i know im not caring for myself properly

katykaz, I am sorry that you lost your dad this year and that has made this a difficult year. Has your mom's doctor evaluated her overall health and dementia recently? Please tell the doctor that you can't even get yourself a shower without the worry that your mom might get up and walk. Has her dementia reached the point where she needs to go into a nursing home. I'm not a doctor, but with your mother being so frail and it being so dangerous to walk that you are scared to take a shower, I think it is high time that either some outside caregivers are hired or she goes to a nursing home where people can look after her 24/7 in three shifts. Right now, it does not sound like you have any time off.

You need to love yourself as well. Loving your mom as her caregiver involves caring for yourself properly for who is going to care for her if your health would fail? A third of caregivers who go it alone end up dying before the person they are caring for do. Make sure your mom is getting the proper care she needs and this point and don't sacrifice your caring for yourself properly. There is no reward for sacrificing yourself to the point where you become a martyr.

I'm fortunate to have several caregivers who come to the house on weekdays. On the weekends, my brothers I I do all of the care for our Mom. She is completely in bed, sleeps most of the time (even falling asleep while we are feeding her). She isn't talking much but still enjoys eating and having our company- briefly- and we keep her clean and comfortable. We have been through the stages of her being agitated, trying to climb out of bed, etc. If the situation were different, we might be getting her into a nursing home, but at this point it's manageable... We are seeing her decline by the week, then a plateau, then more decline, then another plateau. It is exhausting but somehow we are able to get through it. We absolutely give each other stretches of time "off" and it does make a difference. It's the main thing keeping us going. Plus, we all have a sense of humor.