How can I find time to take care of myself without going out of my mind?

You sounds like you are burning out. Does anyone care for your mother while you are at work? Do you have any siblings? Would it be possible to bring in some caregivers on weekends to give you a break? If you drop dead to the floor, then who is going to take care of your mother? Have you investigated the reputation of the nursing homes in your area?

It is worthwhile to invest in having professional caregivers come in sometime to provide respite on the weekends or during the weekday. There may be other siblings, relatives and friends who you may be able to call on, but that can be an imposition although they may not want to say so. Now, other siblings can certainly chip in to pay for home health care...the very least they can do. The cost can run from $18-$23 per hour, requiring a minimum of 4 hours to be taken in one day.

Thank you.

Hi Nitabu13, it's time to make "You" part of your daily routine. Just as important as your patient, we have to find time for ourselves. If you don't have anyone to assist you by taking your patient/loved one, then you need to adjust your already stretched schedule to devote 30 minutes each day to your mind/body/soul. It may sound ridiculous but the alternative is "going out of my mind" and you need to stay firm that you refuse to do that! I used to wake up at 5:00 to maintain my mind/body and soul. It was the only hour of my day that I could control. If you are looking for time in your schedule you may not find it, if you make time in your schedule you'll be much better off.

Somehow, some way, find the time. Otherwise, you'll have a physical or mental breakdown, and then what will you do? As Jill1027 says, if you're looking for time, you may not find it, so you have to "make" time. I wish you well.

At first I felt overwhelmed with caregiving for my Mom who is bedridden. I began to get up early to make some time for myself to read or write in a journal before the day begins. Making this time for myself early mornings has really helped.

As others have said, we have to *make* time since we'll never *find* it. What I've told myself and believe to be true is that if I go down my loved ones will have lost me and that could be the end of them. That is unfair to everyone.

While I've never been great at finding (or making) "me time," I have made the effort. Without doing so I'd have completely burned out long ago. For me, the answer has been getting up at 4 a.m. so I can meditate. That may not be the answer for many people but it's helped me. Others may consider that self-punishment but my point is that we must try to find something that works for us.

Please keep telling us how you are doing. We know how your are feeling as much as anyone else can and you'll get a variety of views from the community.

Blessings,
Carol

It is so overwhelming being a caregiver to my mom a stroke victim, dad who is overwhelmed because mom always did everything and now can not. I am a wife, mother to 3 boys, 15,12,8. I also work part time as a RN. Our family life has obviously changed, all involved try and help. But I am spread to thin, I thought I could do it all, care for all, After a year, I have stress headaches, not sleeping, my husband is tired, he works full time to come home and help with homework, run boys around to after school activities. My boys are starting to complain that I am not there... my family does not complain, we love our folks and grandparents . But we have lost our family. I have started to walk some mornings with friends. Mom sleeps till 10 and dad stays with mom. I worry about dad, he has no time for self and he has lost 30lbs. Dad has been resistant to getting help to come in, however, I will start looking at agencies during the holiday so I can get help after first of year

Good for you! You do need to get help. I spent many years with growing children (one with severe heath challenges of his own) and multiple elders who needed my help. It's not only exhausting - it can be damaging to more than just ourselves. There comes a time when outside help is the only answer. We can still be very, very involved with everyone but it takes more than one person to provide care for multiple ill people and give growing children some quality time, as well. Good luck in finding quality help.
Warm wishes,
Carol

I've had to move into Mom's home, which made the most sense in my situation.
What has helped for me, is to make sure I "book" time with girlfriends to go out once or twice a month and, during lunch breaks at work, I walk around the block and notice the birds, decorations, trees, etc. If the weather isn't good, I read and eat lunch at my desk or in the break room to talk with others (I'm a therapist). I've (periodically) gone to a meditation class and then used the techniques I learned. I make sure to sit down to eat a decent breakfast and pack a good lunch (so I don't eat from the candy dish or get crappy fast food). It takes a commitment to myself that I'm worth it, and that if I DON'T take care of myself, I won't be able to enjoy the freedom that will be available to me when this caregiving stage is over. I also get to Meeting on Sundays at least twice a month, where I get spiritual support. Each of these things I do takes no more than a few minutes to maybe 2-3 hours, while someone else cares for/sits with Mom. It's helping me maintain my sanity and my sense of humor. It makes me feel better just to KNOW that I'm taking care of myself, too.

I have been so overwhelmed and when I do try to make me time the guilt is even worse. As always I am my own worse enemy. My New Year promise is to make more me time - because as you all have said "we go down, everyone goes down" please keep these chats going so that I know I am not alone with any of these issues - thank you all. Merry Christmas

ask for help. Men are also NOT disabled in this area.

Your health and your kids come first. Can you send your mom to the senior center a few times a week? You can often get door to door bus service for low cost. I would go insane without that service. Thanks to all senior center people! My mother goes every weekday.

People who care about me sometimes remind me to take the time to care for myself. And I'm sure this is well intentioned. But what does it mean, really? Where does one get this 'time.'

Truly speaking, I don't have control of my time any more. I look after my 96-year-old mother who has dementia and doesn't walk well so she has to be watched. I never know when she'll sleep or wake. I can't predict her behavior nor how much cleaning up after her will be necessary on any day.

Yes, there's lots of time in between chores, mostly spent sitting near her. I can read, watch TV, do little projects. But something happens to the brain when this sort of captivity is forced upon me. Normal mental resources aren't available. I go dull and muddle-headed and lose sight of the big picture.

I'm not always able to overcome this. But one device that helps is to make a list of things to do as time and opportunity permit. For example, I can't go take a shower and wash my hair unless Mom is asleep or someone else is watching her. But I can take care of my feet. I can do sewing repairs. I can set up the ironing board nearby and catch up that work. And so on.

A bit of creativity is needed and some discipline. The trick is to remain focused on the fact that BOTH the elder being cared for AND the caregiver are precious human beings, deserving of the best possible life, moment by moment. From that perspective, the self care practices arise of their own accord.

Blessings to you and yours during this special season.

I found it difficult to "find time" for myself when I was the sole caregiver for my father outside of the home health aide I paid to care for him while I continued to work full time outside the home. However, I will concede that the time I was at work, distracted me from the caregiving concerns and worries for about 8-9 hours a day 5 days a week. I think it did help me keep my perspective on both the job and the caregiving.

About once every 6 months, I did pay for an aide to care for my father to go to a show or dinner with a friend. Looking back I should have done this more frequently but it takes time to plan ahead and with the demands of the job and the caregiving , Fridays wipe around and you can not get someone for a Saturday evening to work as a home health aide easily. Plus I tried to keep people with him that he liked and not just anyone the agency would send.

However, I think the biggest thing to watch is that you get enough sleep to keep on going. Lack of sleep makes everything you do as a caregiver just immeasurably more difficult.

Good Luck.

Last year, I got completely stressed out from long term unemployment of over one year, caring for my then 93-year-old Mom and also enduring her severe protests (she has bipolar) when she was not allowed back to our CA home from CA assisted living. In April 2013, Mom had been removed from our home after several fall injuries in our place. Finally, it got to be too much for me to focus on her and my own life and too expensive for her to stay in CA. On August 31, 2013, my brother in Oregon moved her to an assisted living facility near his and his wife's residence. My brother's wife was retired and had the time to help Mom with her living arrangements. My mother just passed four weeks ago at age 95; God bless her soul. Thank God I had some family to help Mom out!!

Suzzieq: Please try not to feel guilty when you take a little "me" time. At first I did too, but then I realized I am taking care of 2 people here...first my bedridden Mom but also taking care of myself too at times so that I can be here for her during the moments she needs me. What has also helped me is to compartmentalize time in my mind...take things a day, an hour, a half hour at a time and set aside a small compartment of time for yourself here and there. It is ok to do so!!

If you do not take care of yourself, then who will take care of your parents??

This may be kind of 'obtuse' but it dawned on me as my mother called me just now about something that to her is of utmost importance but in my book can wait till I get around to it. What dawned on me - and what I've been trying to work on doing - is understanding and acting on the fact that what's a 'priority' for her isn't necessarily a priority for me. Example: She's been trying for DAYS to call the credit card company to get a check for her rewards points - we do this at the end of every year - call to get a check for her rewards points. For some reason she isn't getting through to them. I told her a couple days ago that if still having a problem I'd give them a call. Well, she called just now to ask me if I could do it for her. No problem. Well, normally no matter WHAT I was doing when this sort of request came through, I'd drop everything I was doing at that moment and get on the phone and do it - partially to please her and partially to clear the decks so as not to have anything for her hanging over my head that needs to be done. There are two problems here: 1. There IS really no pleasing her and it's taken me 50+ years to figure that out; and, 2. when I stop whatever I'm doing to fulfill her requests...that's all that I end up doing usually with the rest of my day...fulfilling that request and getting sidetracked with whatever problems arise from it. Also, once that request is fulfilled, she has another, and another and I end up sacrificing time I'd planned on devoting to MY things that I needed to get done for me and my household, to her. Priorities. The rewards points are NOT a priority, and don't expire/will be there even into the next year to be collected by us if it takes us that long to get to it. So I will call the cc company when I get around to it, which may NOT be till next Monday if that's how it happens to go...if I have a spare minute between wrapping gifts, whatever and feel like it, then I'll call sooner. My point is that I'm learning - by trial and error - that her priorities are not MY priorities when it comes to administrative or other non-essential things. This helps me claim 'ME' time and keep it 'ME' time and from frittering 'ME' time away minute by minute on her seemingly never ending requests, and helps me feel I have at least SOME control over an otherwise crazy and unpredictable situation.

Getting up at 4:00 A. M. daily can't continue! You are going to experience caregiver meltdown! Get some help.

Never sometime s you have to let your people go and live your life. They will live there s

You put your self in it you find your way out.

Hi Everyone- about 'finding time'...it is an absolute necessity to arrange for someone to stay with your loved one so you can get the heck outta Dodge.
Find out what insurance will allow and then sign up for it. It's hard, at first, to trust 'others' to do what you would probably do better, but you will deal with it. You might be pleasantly surprised. It's like leaving a tiny baby with a sitter for the first time. You just have to force yourself. And if insurance really won't cover any 'care', then ask around, talk to your friends, neighbors, church people or workmates- there are people who are willing to stay with an elder, some won't accept money, but others will gladly take a few dollars and then might be willing to do it regularly. You have to ASK. You have to MAKE YOURSELF do it.
Go on, reach out. You're not going to expect them to change diapers or cook dinner, but they can get you OUT of the house for awhile.

My father has been in memory care in a facility near my home for 4 mo. now. I brought him to the state I live in so I could oversee his care and finances. I am presently selling their home and moving my Mother and brother here also. Some days I spend hours looking at medication list, assisted living billing, scheduling his doctors appt. and still making calls to realtors out of state and relaying all of this to my Mom. My days are crazy busy and my Father is not living in my home. Driving my teen to and from school, many after school activities, and a husband who travels out of the country frequently, I never seem to have any time. I am so grateful that Dad is in a safe place, good care, and has other people his own age to spend his days with. I need to live my life and so does my Dad. I believe he would not want to be a burden and in no way is he. I stop many times during the week and plan on bringing him home for Christmas as we did for Thanksgiving. This has worked out wonderful for our family. I keep very close contact with all the aides at the AL. I frequently stop in to check out Dad's room, his clothing, (although he keeps it immaculate...not one thing out of order!) and see how he's doing. After we visit I will let him know I need to get home now Dad, your Granddaughter needs me. If its late and Dad's ready I will walk back to his room help him get changed for bed, turn down his bed, leave him a little sweet treat. Many times I have tucked him in and turned on his nightlight, reminding him I will see you soon. Dad always says ok be careful driving. This has been the best of two worlds. We have separate lives, however he is a huge part of my life and not a day or night goes by that I am not thinking of him and what I can do tomorrow to make his life easier and filled with as much joy as possible. Merry Christmas everyone...We need to remember when we come from a place of love it's always enough.

For me the feeling 'guilty' part is the worst for me. I feel like I can never do enough or the 'right' way even though caregiving has changed the person I 'am'. I'm working on reading a book about living in the now... I've lost this. It's Christmas and I'm feeling rather numb... I so want to 'feel' happy again. It's been so long since I've 'known' myself. This is wheee siblings could have helped... Not only with the parent, but in helping their brother or sister be who they are and support the caregiver's happiness. It not only drains you but slowly takes so much away from you that you didn't realize... Working on it with the others of you my friends... Blessings

Yes, I'm 3 yrs into taking care of my Dad and Mom ; Mom has Alzheimers for 3 yrs now and my Dad was deemed incompetent 3 yrs ago and is more of a handful than my Mom. Yes, Mom was showing signs of Alzheimers about 4 yrs ago and then it developed pretty quickly. My Dad became suddenly sick; almost died a yr later. He survived but now they are both battling dementia together...talk about getting sick at the same time, heh ??? Is pretty difficult at times but somehow I'm hanging in there...I make sure all their needs are met, and all the loose ends are tied up before I say to them..."ok now I will be seeing you in 2/3 days...call me if there's an EMERGENCY because I have some things to take care for myself"...or I'll say to them "I'll call you in a 1/2 days to see how you are doing and if you need anything"...the weekends are off limits to them unless there is something I absolutely have to see them for, but then I usually call. This has worked out pretty well otherwise I would have gone out of my mind a long time ago. When my Dad first got out of the hospital I was by them 4-5 days a week...my house turned to shambles, I was ALWAYS exhausted running around like a fruitcake!!! But then it started to smooth out once I figured out how to manage things and putting some parameters in place....But as their dementia increases, so does their anxiety and I still try to stay as close to the parameters as possible. I love them both so much, if I'm a little tired, or if my dishes aren't dried and put away, too bad...then someone in my house can do that for me...but as the sicker they get, and the further away they go, I know my time is less and less with them so I just take whatever time I can fit in for myself and take it as it comes.I've learned to be a little flexible, keep some humor, have some 'alone' time in the morning drinking coffee and watching news,playing some Playstation 3 w/my teenage son and eating out to a nice meal once a week.... I have no problem sleeping at night !!! :)

I am beginning to believe that I can not control everything. I do my best to make things work out for my husband. I do have a part time aide,but some things my husband just does not care enough to see to it that he should what the doctor tells him to do. Yet he can do what pleases him. The rest is left for me to do and remember. Well, I can not help him unless I see to that I care for myself before it kills me.

I am so glad that I am not the only one who feels this way. I instantly became a caregiver a week ago and I feel like my life has stopped. My father doesn't want to be alone at all, yet feels that I must constantly alter my schedule to be with him. I have no idea how I am going to do this and I get so angry about it all... then I feel guilty about being angry. Meltdown number 1,000 for the week is coming. Wowsa

Tinyblu, The first week or two was the hardest for me and then I began to get the routine down. Do not feel guilty about feeling bad. Is there anything that might occupy your father a bit like something to read, or a picture book or photo album, or a favorite TV show, so that you might get a moment to yourself while he is busy with that? Maybe even some nice musiche likes might lessen his anxiety about being alone.

Friends often say, "Please let me know how I can help." Help them help you. Ask a friend (or family member) to cover for you so that you can have time out for yourself.

We'll, as I dreaded my Christmas Day is ruined after busting my $:):);$;&!!?!! To make it special... My heart is so destroyed... My mother starting crying today feeling sooty for herself an has to control everything... She 'demanded' I talk to a person I didn't! Want to talk with on the phone (she pushes the phone on me when I don't want to talk with people that I am not close to)... In many case I worked so hard or make this a peaceful, joyful day but now it sucks... Even after taking her to church last night. I try and try but because thee is no one else (my brothers) to help she berates me... I so wanted a peaceful Christmas and to start th new year off right... Just can't win no matter what!