My parents have been able to handle their business up until this year I noticed a downward turn. The house was a little messier (but not bad), mom's Depends needed a bigger container and lid, plus needed to be taken out daily, and my dad is slowing down physically - he is her caregiver.
They also support my 48 yo brother, who has been unable to keep a good job in this small town. He has come to rely on their support. Years ago I told them that enabling him was not helping him. My dad told me just last year that he had been paying my brother's car insurance for 27 years! I'm fairly certain that my brother has no means of support if something happens to our parents.
My parents could take care of themselves better if they did not fork out this money on my brother, but they still have their faculties and won't change. My brother has asthma and a bad knee, and nearly died in the hospital last winter trying to keep the heat cut down in his trailer.
We are in crisis right now as my dad got clearance from all his doctors for knee resurfacing surgery. In recovery, he suffered a small heart attack. They then put in a pacemaker. In that recovery, he suffered a small stroke.
When they went in to do an angiogram, they found all his bypasses and stents blocked - he is 81 and probably has no good veins left nor could he survive a bypass after 3 procedures in a week). He has been sent to a TCU to learn to use the knee and implement lifestyle changes which I'm sure will include him stopping his consulting business that helped him pay support for his son.
I am driving down there to see what I can assess of the situation, but my hands are tied financially - I don't have anything to spare because we are also trying to spring my 24 and 18 yo (who is still in high school) into the world. The 24 yo has a part time job, and I need to get him to do more and be autonomous. He is working on his driving and is about to get his license. We have no spare money to help them with college, a car or car insurance.
(Our situation is not a failure to plan, it is having to live from paycheck to paycheck just barely making sure we have health insurance. If we had the means to save enough for college we would have done so. All we can do now is have the 24 yo pay rent and save that for him a car.)
I'm going down to assess, but right now I cannot afford another trip anytime soon, and I worry about things like talking to them about selling or giving up the house.
At one time I thought I would be able to handle things as they come, but not all at once, and I definitely have nothing to be able to help my brother with. If I were rich, I'd probably do the wrong thing and just house everyone, but I don't know how to handle such multiple and complex issues.
If their son is so unmotivated that he has relied on his parents for support for all these years, then I don't see him stepping up and taking care of them, but I could be wrong. Does son qualify for disability? Does he help them around the house?
They definitely need to see an attorney regarding some financial and legal planning. Asset protection would be a big focus. Sometimes seniors will listen to reason and make arrangements for their care when it's needed, but often it's an uphill battle.
You say they are thinking clearly and that you dad still works, right?. If that's the case, there really isn't anything you can do, but suggest, provide information and beg. I'd let them know what you are able to do in the form of help so they can make their plans accordingly.
Do they have their Wills in order?
I don't know what their resources are, but a legal expert could discuss things like long term care, if that should be needed and private pay vs. Medicaid. You might inquire about your brother living with them to care for them and how long term that could effect asset protection of their home. I'm no expert, but have seen others on these boards address this questions.
If your mom's health is better than dad's, there are things that need to be done so that she's not caught with him incapacitated without a way to access bank accounts.
I'll be thinking about you and hope everything works out.
What I would do is highly encourage them to get a Durable Power of Attorney and Health Care POA. These documents don't have to be used immediately. They are kept on hold UNTIL the person needs help. Then they are normally filed with the Register of Deed in the county of residence. It's difficult to act as POA if you live out of state. It sounds like Brother is ripe to abuse the power, so I would not think he is a good candidate. I don't know how you could stop them from naming him though. Perhaps they know inside that he is not a good candidate.
Perhaps you might have Dad appoint MOM as his durable POA and Healthcare POA, assuming she's competent, with an Alternate as someone else. Is there any other family member or close family friend who could do it?
I'm not sure why your parents don't understand why a POA is important. If you sustain a physical or mental injury that incapacitates you, there needs to be someone to step in immediately and take care of business. If not, you have to file a legal action with the courts and have them decide who should be appointed. Perhaps, you could explain that it's best for them to do it privately on their own accord, rather than have outsiders make that kind of decision.
The sad thing is that they may agree to do it, but then appoint your brother. Not good.
Sometimes all you can do is offer good advice and support. IF things go south, you'll have to clean up the mess later with help of the courts.
If he is really working on getting disability benefits, he may not be able to get a job and still pursue. He needs to be checking his mail for correspondence from his attorney. You have to stay on top on these kind of things.
And you need Power of Attorney, whether your parents like it or not. Explain to them the ramifications of not having it. IF they own a house, he's going to want that house, lock, stock, and barrel, and could prevent you from selling it to use the money to care for your parent's needs. He is not your problem. Remove him from your mind.
Quite frankly, my mother was stubborn two years ago until she found herself in a geriatric psyche ward, with the STATE as her representative because she didn't want to sign a health care proxy and/or POA. Her stubbornness receded quickly once she found out it was either me or the nursing home. That's sounds mean but hey, you're the one who is going to take on the major stress factors that come with caring for this. You'll be sick, not your brother, not your parents. Quite frankly, I'm sorry I took my mother in, it's been fourteen months and she's going downhill quickly, and I'm stuck here by myself, living with her. My stress levels are through the roof.
Now the ultimatum. Tell your mother they need assistance and that assistance is not going to include your brother. Tell her you're willing to take them to where you live. Why on earth would you want to move to where they live? Why uproot your family? There are two of them, but four? of you. Find some sort of living arrangement, i.e., Medicaid may be able to help with that. They don't necessarily need to live with you.
If this is not to your liking, call in a social worker who may be able to help find a place for them in their town, with some help in caring for them.
Calling in a social worker is exactly what I want to do, but have no idea how to locate one.
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