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If someone can turn on the niceness for strangers, then act like the devil to their families, then that just goes to show it's a choice. They are CHOOSING to be hateful, and it's NOT their declining age or health that's the problem. It's bad character. Those people ought to be put in a place that is surrounded by strangers who take care of them, and leave the families alone.
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i agree with cspoulsen- my mom is passive - cant talk- but needs help to bathroom - will fall - has fallen 5 times until i got a vidio monitor- so i can leave the room- portable one on my waist so i can go room to room without hurrying too much- and a motion detector from radio shack so if she gets up at night it will beep so i can get to her before she falls- i agree that if you are being verbally abused- put her in nursing home- its amazing how they treat strangers. my mom not mean but will not give eye contact, sound if frightened (for instance at a restaurant or doc office) but as soon as stranger walks close enouf by she will look up and start to smile and say hi - but they dont some people are rude- but again the change is remarkable- why she does that is beyond me- so you may think about it.. might be good for the both of you
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You can look into getting in-home care which is privately paid. Home health is something medicare will help pay for, but it has to be prescribed by a Dr. and they only come out for a limited time. Another option is IHSS (in-home supportive services) it is a medi-cal service where you are allowed so many hours for a caregiver to come into the home and is paid for through medi-cal. But you do have to meet certain financial criteria to be eligable. I work with a placement agency and we are able to offer a wide variety of resourses that can be immediately available to you. We are based out of Sacramento CA. Let me know if you need help with anything.
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I feel for the writer with the nasty centarian. Let me share my experience. I had to put my mom in a home as I got too sick to care for her. She was the same way with me with her cutting comments. Over a year in the home, with all the southern ladies there, has changed her. It was the best thing to ever happen to her and to me. She learned manners, to be sweet, etc. I don't know your centarian's background. But my mom was abandoned by her mom and had a tough exterior because of it.
The tough love I used paid off. Sometimes the very thing that we are afraid to do is the best thing for all concerned. Putting up with nasty comments and bad behavior is unacceptable to a caretaker.
I suggest you tell her so.....centarian or not.
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Oops, better make that "grateful", in case there are any spelling Nazis hereabouts. Hard to get thru a whole message without making at least one error.
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Hi coolbuss,

My grandmother is 104, and somehow tricked me into being her sole companion / caregiver for the last 6+ years now. Not to mention the 8 months or so leading into that when my mother was suffering from lung cancer.

I read one person here who wrote, "I can't imagine what it would be like if my mother were *disagreeable*." Well, bwahaha, my grandmother is probably the nastiest centenarian in the state.

I won't give too many details here, but if I am late from grocery shopping, she will either ask sarcastically, "Where'd you go for that chicken.. Boston?", threaten to call the police, burn down the house, "take pills", tell me to move out, etc. Almost everything she tells her sisters and other grandchildren about me on the phone is a lie. And not a random lie, but a lie intended to make me look bad.

But then every night at bedtime - as long as we are not in a "punishing phase" - she fakes a "sincere", "THANKS for all that you're doing for me".

I fell into this hell-on-earth / Twilight Zone existence because I am a "nice guy", trusted her to be reasonably close to human, and also thought it wouldn't last forever. If I ever try to do anything to improve the situation, she won't hear of it, since "I won't be here that long".

So my point to you is first, be greatful, really greatful, that your dad is pleasant. And second, be prepared for the eventuality that the situation could last quite a while. Get help now while you still have your edge. If your morale is low now, and you aren't getting "alone time", think how you might feel after being ground down for 5 more years.

Do not temporize, or "put up with it for now". Find solutions that work over the long haul.
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We are feeling the same way at times. My dad is 97 and my husband and I are in our middle 70's. We never do errands together anymore and we miss our alone time. Dad has been with us for 2 years since step mom passed away. He is pleasant, never angry, and grateful for being with us. He has all his mental capabilities also. Makes it hard to want him anywhere else but with us. He needs full time help with transfer from chairs, wheelchair, toilet and help with all dressing and bathroom activities. This website has been so helpful in letting us see how much more we could have going on than we do. I am planning on checking into medicare, etc and see if there is a possiblity of help with bathing and some care while we do errands, etc. I would be remiss in not finding help if it is available. Would really raise my morale!
MK
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We have a local Council on Aging where they provide daytime respit care. See if your town or county has something similar.
Also, I believe medicare covers help at home with baths, changing, which would give you a badly needed alone time and/or coffee break.
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