Find myself homeless. Did I do the right thing?

Lizzy, you have done an amazing job in a short time!
You have helped build a safety network around your Mum & a safer home for yourself.

Sounds like Dad has become more accepting of his situation. Losing vision would be a huge loss - I wonder if Dad's denial then anger is part of the grief cycle over that? I think temperament has alot to do with how we adjust to aging too. If my Grandma needed glasses, hearing aides, a walker - she just got them. But my Mum denied glasses & hearing aides for 5 yrs each, is ashamed of needing a wheelchair & now very controlling.

I think you'll do well building up your own life again & staying well connected to Mum.

Dad? Well he may be just one of those 'madder than a cut snake' old guys you can't reason with - just let the Doctors deal with him as he gets worse (& have a nursing home picked out if he breaks a hip). As they say, you got this!

Hi Beatty,
I've thought about the same things you bring up. I am on Job seeker, and I got help from EDVOS, so I am in a flat, renting at a low price.
Mum and I email every day, because he tends to monitor the phone. She told me yesterday he is now ready to hand his license into Vic roads, so that's a relief, and has stopped driving.
Yes Mum has a good neighbour across the road, who is aware of the situation, (I've actually told the neighbour behind her and to the left) but he seems to be reasonable with her, she looks after his every need, so maybe he still realises he needs her.
They won't take any help in the home, so getting an outside agency in is proving difficult.
I just have to be patient, and perhaps, it is a good thing I am no longer there, because we were not getting along, and it stressed the both of us.

Thanks

Regarding your situation, have you applied for Job Seeker/Job keeper? Rent is rediculous $$ & hard to get without a job. Is there an extended family member in the area you could rent a room from as a short term solution? Or the closest country town for something cheaper?

It will be hard to help your Mother unless she accepts it. Is there a long standing pattern of putting up with his anger? Or is the anger new? Is it just Dad's eyesight that's declining? Or is there suspected memory/cognitive problems?

The Doctor advised NOT sending the mental health crises team - is that right? (They would take him on the spot if hallucinationing or welding a knife, but I think it has to be that serious).

Has the Aged Care Assessment Team (ACAS) been to visit? That's more for home help, housework & personal care that sort of thing but they can observe & flag issues.

I would be calling Mum to check on her. Does she have her own phone so you can call/txt discreetly & not to use the house line & get him? If not, maybe she should get one.

Mother needs a safety plan. Some safe places to go & people to call. She drives? 'Just poping out to the shopping centre' (she can call from there). 'Going to the neighbours to borrow sugar'. She needs to be able to call the Police if he becomes violent. Would she do this? Some are so afraid they won't.

Lizzy, you definitely did the right thing. My mother was driving one day around our town and when she got home she told us she did not know where she was. We immediately had a family meeting and decided with her present we would take her license away. Told her doctor and shortly after got a notice in the mail her license was cancelled. My dad went through the garage door with his leg outside the car, did not get hurt but it was a red flag. Once again we had a family meeting, and my dad asked our opinion about giving up his driving. We did not have to convince him, he was willing to give his driving up, but wondering how he would get around, shopping and so forth. We told him we would take him anywhere he wanted to go. All family members that lived at home cooperated and kept their promise to help my dad. I would have made the same decision if I got resistance from my parents. I feel sad for you going through all this stress. Is your mom safe with your dad? Maybe as time goes on your father will realize you did it for his safety and things will calm down. You have no reason to apologize to your father, you were thinking in his best interest. Friend encourages you to go back home, but your father is not allowing you to do that. I would talk to your friend again and see if you can stay temporary until you figure something out, if she is a true friend she will help you in this situation, otherwise I would reconsider your friendship with her. This is such a difficult situation, and I feel for your poor mother and you. Do you have other family members you can stay with? Sending prayers your way with much hope things get resolved quickly. Hugs!

I feel for you. I myself have thought about walking out but would also be homeless once again because housing here is expensive. Friends get tired of hearing the story and want a quick fix. They say you can stay but most don't really mean it. The best thing i learned was doing it on my own when i was homeless. I found a place that let us sleep in the churches and helped us find housing and the library was one of the best resources. I understand you care for your dad and don't want him to drive. I went through that my dads licence got taken away a few months ago and had to sell the truck to stop him. You could try a family meeting with all three of you. Going in with the fact that you care about them and want whats best. But if its not good you have to take care of you. Best wishes

Who do you want "taken into care"? Your mother or your father?

The thing is, neither will be. Your mother won't leave your father. The authorities are not going to section him or imprison him. So on what basis do you think a mental health assessment will change anything materially?

A further problem is that as far as I can see there is nothing yet to stop him driving. He has to get his eyes tested, and the paperwork about that is what triggered his latest rage; but nobody's removed his car and nobody has reported any incidents of dangerous driving, is that correct? So he's presumably also still on the road and - as yet as least - licensed to be (unless it's been suspended, has it? And how about insurance?).

And meanwhile you've got no job and nowhere to live.

Bummer all round, really.

When did all this kick off? I'm wondering how long it might be before the dust settles a bit.

The thing is. Along with traditional cultures you're supposed to get extended families and the classic "village" model where people's business is everybody's business. You shouldn't have been alone in your concerns. Any family nearby? What kind of neighbourhood are your parents living in? And how long had you been staying with them?

I'm glad that you have somewhere to be in the short term (I'm slightly less impressed with your Job's Comforter friend). And how about work - are there any temporary teaching opportunities around? Are you part of a professional network?

You DID do the right thing. I also applaud your having the courage of your convictions and telling your father the truth about it. I wish more people - e.g. your mother! not that I'm blaming her, there's a lot of it about - were prepared to do the same, then we wouldn't have the same widespread problem around driving where people pussyfoot around instead of picking up the phone. I'm just sorry it's not gone better for you, and I hope that changes very fast.

((((((Lizzy))))) I am so sorry. You did the right thing. I gather your father has been very difficult all along. I think checking with the police is a good idea. Meanwhile, look after yourself. Things may calm down, but it sounds like he needs professional care in a facility.

So sorry you are now in this situation. But I would not go back. I would be afraid he may get violent. Just stay in touch with Mom the best you can. I would ask your local police how they would handle Dad if he became violent towards Mom. Then I would try to get that info to her. Here in the US, they can remove Dad from the home for a psychic eval. Thats when ur Mom can say he cannot return because she is afraid for her saftey. Thats when he can be placed in a NH.

I’m very sorry you are going through this. It’s sometimes hard to do the right thing but at least we have peace of mind that we did. I hope you can find a place to stay. My father too is upset with me for reporting his driving. He doesn’t trust me anymore. So if ever there’s a problem it’s always my fault, and I get to be the one who’s caring for him. He can’t see I was doing the right thing since he felt his driving was just fine. But he has dementia so he’s not the one who should be judging his own driving. I’m not sure if he will ever forgive me. In fact my sister and aunt both took his side saying I should feel sorry for him and shouldn’t have reported it. But what person with common sense says he should be on the road if he’s a threat to himself and others 🤷‍♀️. Am I the only one in my family with common sense? 😂

It’s a difficult time to be in this situation. You have started the process for your father to get his licence reviewed and probably cancelled, and that won’t stop if you do apologise to him. What does your mother think? Can she help to calm him down? Can she lend you some finance for rent? Do you have siblings who could help? Does your father actually have a history of violence, or do you think it’s just threats? If you really think that your mother is in danger, go to talk to the police.

Your father is not alone in flying off the handle because his licence is under threat, but it usually calms down after a while. The chances are that he won't want to lose you as a daughter permanently, and he may not want you to be in dire straits at this difficult time. Do what you have to do to last out the problem. You have done the right thing, but justifying it isn’t important and may not be the best thing to do right now. Best of luck, and courage!

You did the right thing.

That friend with the large house? I would ask again, tell her that dad ran you off again and returning home is not an option. Doesn't sound like much of a friend to me. Though some people are very private and need their alone time, so it may be something like that.

You must have something along the lines of adult protective services. Give them a call and tell them what is going on. They will be able to help.

Lizzyvoo, I'm sorry for your distress of losing your home, job and relationship with your father. You want reassurance that reporting his compromised driving was the right thing? Here is a story: my uncle was driving with my aunt (they were in their early 90s). His children were in the best position to have his driving privilege ended, but they didn't want to anger him, so they didn't. One afternoon my uncle went through a red light and was T-boned by another car. It killed his wife, who was an ovarian cancer surviver, and was nearly finished with treatment at the Mayo clinic for a rare and life-threatening heart issue. She had the dog on her lap and it was killed too. Fortunately, his victims in the other car were not seriously hurt, but could have easily been. My own MIL one day had some sort of minor health or mental incident while driving and ran her van straight into a street sign, narrowly missing a group of school children waiting for the bus. Her husband had Parkinsons and kept driving, would fall in the parking lot of the local grocery story and require a ride home from the manager. Both of their vehicles looked like they had been in a pinball machine...I think every time they drove they must have hit something. I reported them. I also have 2 very elderly aunts in FL for whom I manage care. In their 80s, the one who knew how to drive had terrible vision but her sister would be the "spotter" telling her where to turn and when -- a nightmare on wheels! I anonymously wrote their state's DMV and made my case to call them in for retesting (my aunts and both my in-laws). So I took away the licenses of 4 people I love, but it had to be and I don't regret it. Neither should you. Think of the people you are protecting! May you have great success in protecting your mom. May you have peace in your heart that you did (and are doing) the right thing.