My mother is an undiagnosed probable BPD. She is high functioning in the sense that only family members are subject to her unbelievable rage episodes. (Those outside family think that she is sweet but needy for emotional support.) Dad has been diagnosed as having rapid onset Alzheimer's, but I suspect that emotional shut-down from my mother's rage episodes and crying are also a major part of his withdrawl. I live 4 hours away from them. After a lifetime of abuse, I refuse to become enmeshed in her behavior. Mother claims to have had a heart attack. She is no longer capable of functioning as an adult mentally, emotionally, or physically. She is warning me not to discuss any of this with her. She says she will suffer another heart episode if the discussion continues or during other phone calls if the issue is pressed the rage begins to spew. She refuses counseling or therapy for her issues! How do I find a professional that can assist and mediate w/ necessary decisions?
It's hard to get an assessment without cooperation, especially if she "puts on an act" for others. Threats are often just a con. Your mom may have dementia and may be a danger to your dad.
Do you or someone in your family have a POA or Patient Advocate?
My mom is good with others also, but she's starting to slip up and reveal her true self to others. When can/do we step in? If you find out please let the rest of us know. Many of us in that boat with you.
Sorry your fragile father is caught in this. You may have to step in for his sake and remove him if she is dangerous.
Talk to an attorney? It may get ugly. Social services can be a two edged sword and I wouldn't involve them unless absolutely needed.
Do they have a caregiver coming in to help now? You could investigate into a visiting helper if they don't. A visitor could keep an eye on things for you & contact you with an assessment.
I'm praying for us.