Why can't I find balance between being caregiver to mom and fairly new wife?
I have been a caregiver to mom for 8 years and her end of life is soon approaching (within weeks to days) and it is taking everything I've got not to loose it completely. Mom is 91, blind, nearly deaf, and bed ridden, but completely cognitive and does not want me to leave her side. My husband has been working 7/12's (7 days a week, 12 hours a day) for over a month and still has a month and a half left on this schedule. And he's on graveyard shift at that! We are both exhausted and only see each other 15-20 minutes every morning and evening, so I understand why he is feeling neglected. I am caught between a difficult schedule and guilt from leaving mom alone, even if for only a few minutes. On the rare occasion that I do sneak away, my mind is not in the moment and all I want to do is rush back to her side. Mom and I have always had a good relationship and I consider her to be one of my best friends. I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something were to happen when I'm not there. We have a monitor in her room and my MIL provides assistance on weekdays but I still can't seem to tear myself away when she is this close to the end. It has consumed me and I am literally being torn in two.
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Also, you need to take care of you or you want be any good for anyone.
Has her doctor said she only has days left or is that your perception?
You really need a mental break when your MIL helps.
I think you are going through some anticipatory grief before your mom actually dies.
You can't control all of the dynamics of this situation and there is no need to feel guilty about that.
It sounds like it might be good to find someone to talk with about all of this who can give you a third party objective view.
It isn't anybody's fault that your husband is worn out, you're worn out, and your mother is reaching the end of her life. The three of you are going through this together; but you and your husband are fit adults who can spare the strength to prioritise a frail elderly dying woman.
You love your husband. Trust him to love you too, and give you his blessing to comfort your mother. Very soon, when it's just the two of you, you'll look back and be glad you were kind to one another.
Years ago, in my previous life and in another city, I had an excellent talk therapist who I'd sell my right arm to have back (retired.) So far, the local therapists I have found are either completely overbooked or spend the majority of the time relating their personal experiences rather than help me find resolution. Hubs and I had a very good discussion about all of this a couple days ago which helped us reconnect and regroup.
Mom has experienced a significant decline over the last few days and as you all know the stress is overwhelming. I guess I just needed to vent and to find some reassurance.
Again, thank you all.