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I only found this site yesterday after things have hit a massive upswing in stress, I was lucky to have found this site quite quickly after reaching out to see if there possibly could be anyone who has or is going through a very hard time.

I'm so happy to have found so many amazing people who have shared their stories and have sent me hugs and support. Thank you so much!

So I have read a lot last evening on the subject of narssistic mothers and dysfunctional families. Being the only female and youngest of 4 children, my wayward half brothers have nothing to do with my mother and walked away many years ago leaving me to deal with her and moreso since my fathers death in 2006.

My parents moved an hour away from where I live to spend their retirement in a new area and to be by the coast. My dad died 18 months later aged 62. My mother does not drive and I'm also the only one of the 4 children who works, I'm self employed and drive up and down the length of the UK at random times of the day on different assignments. A 6-8 hour round trip is not unusual and I only have time with my husband at the weekend.

I tend to see my mother on average every 10 days, for the first few years after my dad died, I spent a lot of time with my mother 2-3 times a week, then was about once a week, but the 10 day thing seems to be better for me.. as I do chores for my mother and go food shopping with her. There's never enough time to do all the many things she wants to have done and I just can't do everything!!

She refuses to use the internet even though she has it! She has no friends because she alienates everyone she meets. She has no filter on what comes out of her mouth, since I was a child, she would just blurt out anything that was in her mind... leaving the victim mortified at her honesty!!

I will do a massive post soon in depth.. but I'm just so so tired and worn out.. I'm 42 but feel 62....

OK getting to the point.. I read a few times on here about having to find a 3rd party to take on care, it obviously would be professional help, maybe something in the local council or charities.. but I was just wondering if there are any definate places I should start searching for online today, it would have to be something that doesn't look like it's me who has orchestrated as she will just dig her heels in as she never lets me help her.. I did pay for a years membership for her for a thing in the UK called The Oddfellows, which I found by accident and thought It sounded like an amazing thing... it helps with any kind of free advice, and also free legal care, plus lots of other things for which one I thought could have been very benificial was group meetings for members about all kinds of issues, day's out visiting some beautiful places and even holidays... she even has been offered a free pick up to take her to meetings or whatever would come up... She went once to a meeting and said it's not for her, it's full of "OLD FARTS" (old people) as she puts it!! ... She did try line dancing a few times and started to make friends until there was a slight indifference about something, can't really remember what it was now, and she shut the door on a group of potential friends who did a lot for her...

I need some ideas on help and also how to go about it without it sounding like I've Orchestrated it...

Any Ideas welcome... x

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I recently found this site too, and am so thrilled. I am 53 yo and taking care of my mom, she 74, with dementia and now waiting to see a neurologist for Parkinson's evaluation. I too feel that I am responsible for mom's happiness. Dad passed away 5 yrs ago and I promised him we (hubby and I) would take care of her. It is just us 2. We moved mom in 6 months ago (long months), and my life has been h**l. I suffer from Rheumatoid Arthritis, Lupus and fibromyalgia. Somedays are very difficult to take care of her. She is very mean and selfish. I feel your pain and pray for some relief for all of us caregivers. U do not know what else to do. I am do depressed. She does not have friends nor dies she want to. She wants me to do for her, constantly. She likes to make me feel guilty and sometimes I cannot live with myself. A 3rd party caregiver would be awesome but I know she would not have that. I sorry I do not have any answers but we seem to have very similar issues. Good luck, and may God continue to give you strength to get through one day at a time. Thanks!
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Since you are in the UK, check out this website - maybe it will give you some helpful advice:
http://www.ageuk.org.uk/
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If a 3rd party came in, say a caregiver, and you don't want your mom to know you orchestrated it, who will you tell your mom set up the situation?

I agree with RocknRobin. It's not your job to make sure your mom is occupied and happy. It sounds like you're knocking yourself out trying to find friends for your mom. What is your mom doing to find friends?
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ill help out got a moderate wage.. pop over in the evenings and or weekends
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Is there a health department in the area? Contact them about a case manager doing a home visit. If she balks at this, you might have to come to the conclusion that she doesn't want to be helped. Find out if there are some agencies in the area to provide rides to Dr., grocery, etc. Faith in Action is in our area. Volunteers do a wealth of things for seniors. Then give her the number and tell her if she needs a ride, call them. They don't have to be her friend, just a ride. You are not responsible for your mom's happiness and entertainment. She doesn't sound like she's an invalid. As for her saying whatever comes up, she's always been that way. She's not going to change now. Just say "I'm sorry you feel that way, Mom." And keep on going. Stop being at mom's beck and call. You can do this. She doesn't need her hand held. It's ok to back off. Get back out there and re-claim your life.
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