My husband finally got his 94 year old sister in a great nursing home run by a Catholic religious order of nuns who are devoted to caring for the poor. Before we got her accepted here (got her on Medicaid, too) she lived in a private senior hotel where she sat perched on her daybed, with diarrhea stains all around her on the floor, in a dirty nightie all day watching tv. She paid extra (money she didn't have - husband had to pay off her bills, get her electricity turned back on, phone re-connected, etc.) to have her meals delivered. She would fall (almost blind, walks with a walker) about every 2 weeks and they would call the city fire dept to pick her up. Well, you get the idea. She is highly intelligent, very private and has a haughty, demanding manner. She has always been a terrible complainer. Even the last time she saw their brother who was just dx'd with stage 4 lung cancer she spent 5 minutes complaining about the service in the senior hotel where she was then living in that they served the plate from the wrong side. You get the idea.
What galls me now is that she is doing SO much better - she's clean, well tended medically, they gave her their largest apt (which she insisted on!) bring her to meals in the pleasant dining room (she's in a wheelchair now having developed a pressure sore on her heel from her previous place) gets physical therapy 2 x a day - they stop in every few hours to bring her juice and see how she is. Everyone is very nice. She has a device with a nurse call button on it and it never leaves her hand. They come in the morning and wash and bathe her, put her on the toilet, dress her and bring her to breakfast, then they wheel her for therapy, then back to her room for some tv watching then lunch, more therapy, then back to her room, then to dinner, then back to her room where they come in later and prepare her for bed. The tv never goes off even all night. Bottomline - why the 15 complaints? Its insane her life is 1000% better. Small things irritate her, the staff comes in at different times, they all don't follow the same procedures, the coffee is often cold, yesterday they served a potato and vegetables with a grilled cheese sandwich!! Those 3 items don't belong on the same plate! OMG! There is nothing to do at night - they should have speakers and music and concerts - LOL - like she would even go!! Is this typical for life long crabby people - being 94 or 24 her brother tells me she was always a whiner but everything is so good for her now - surely even she must see that!!! Infuriating!! We both worked so hard to find the best place she could afford, get her all checked out medically at her favorite downtown hospital (had to rent a van to get her there $200.00 a visit) move her so she would qualify then get her moved and settled in. Now visiting her here is almost as bad as at the previous place - just a different set of complaints. When we left there yesterday we were sniping at each other - I guess from all the negativity we just came from - the room was toxic. Even now my blood is still boiling from her constant bitching. We only visit her ever 2 weeks and he doesn't even want to go then but I feel we owe it to her, i.e. visiting the sick. Next time we are going to try to just keep interrupting her when she goes on a rant and see how that works - sigh - we are dumbstruck by her still so negative and unhappy attitude.
I hope you learned your lesson and STOP trying to please her because it can’t be done.
"Finally in a great place and still had 15 complaints in half an hour. Is this normal?"
First thoughts on your title - if the person was not like that before, probably not normal but at least perhaps understandable (others have commented on the adjustment period for moving, loss of independence, etc.) In reading on, second thoughts are no, this IS who she is and living the life of the queen of England would not squash the complaints!
"...and has a haughty, demanding manner. She has always been a terrible complainer." - BINGO!
"...Even the last time she saw their brother who was just dx'd with stage 4 lung cancer she spent 5 minutes complaining about the service in the senior hotel where she was then living in that they served the plate from the wrong side. You get the idea." Repeat - BINGO!
"...Is this typical for life long crabby people - being 94 or 24 her brother tells me she was always a whiner but everything is so good for her now - surely even she must see that!!!" Whether she sees it or not, the key takeaway here is "she was ALWAYS a whiner."
"...Now visiting her here is almost as bad as at the previous place - just a different set of complaints." Again, even if you could address/fix ALL her current complaints, she would find more. It is who she is. My mother would be nice to others to their faces and then point out all the faults SHE perceived and talk negative about anything and anyone! Let it roll off. It is not easy, but try to tune it all out as best you can, you are NOT going to change who she is. Hearing negativity during the whole visit is enough to grate anyone!
"...We only visit her ever 2 weeks and he doesn't even want to go then but I feel we owe it to her, i.e. visiting the sick." Sorry, but my personal feeling on this is that you DO NOT OWE HER ANYTHING! You've done the best you can for providing a good place and try to see her, but it will never end. She did not even treat her own mother with the care you have provided - if he does not want to go, why make him? If you feel you need to go, then go, but whether you go alone or with him, you need to adjust your expectations, let the complaints fall to the ground and if it makes either of you uncomfortable, cut the visit short. There is no need to stick around as you will NOT make her happy.
"...Next time we are going to try to just keep interrupting her when she goes on a rant and see how that works - sigh - we are dumbstruck by her still so negative and unhappy attitude." It is worth a try, but as noted above, it is not likely that you can change her behavior. SHE has to change it. Refuse to acknowledge any of it. If she continues, you know where the door is - no sense in three of you being miserable!
One thing a nurse suggested to me when my mom had a stint in a geri-psych ward was to keep a mental tally of negative remarks/complaints. Set a limit ahead of time, for instance, when my LO reaches 10 negatives then I say bye and leave. For those 10 negatives I would validate the feeling and redirect the conversation to something positive. Did that help my mom? Eh, probably not, who knows? But it sure did make visits more palatable for me, just realizing that my duty as a daughter did not mean I had to subject myself to a toxic environment indefinitely.
But the others are right...you've done your best, given your all. You must be her favorite audience.
She sounds quite mentally alert. I would tell her look, your complaining is unbearable and we will visit, but if you complain more than 3 times, we're leaving. And then you do. She is lucky to have you both. As a dear friend has pointed out to me more than once, we can only control OURSELVES. And although we are caring people who want to do our best for others, there are limits and we cannot let ourselves dwell on this stuff and impact our own physical well-being. Maybe she thinks by complaining she elevates herself to a position of higher stature. Maybe there is something she might do to help the staff? Or the staff having dealt with this nonsense might have some ideas of what works with this personality type? Enjoy the other 13 days:-)
So, she's having a lovely time. Can you not just see the comedy in her nature, and let her get on with it? Or even, start a discreet book on what she's going to think of next?
See also Joan Sanderson in Fawlty Towers.
Teacher "Wouldn't you enjoy playing kickball with the class?"
Son "No. You all are dweebs"
Rude? yes. deliberately cruel? no.
If you can shake off the nattering negativism and listen for any underlying concern, that might be of use.
In my son's case the teacher wanted my son to be "more social" Not gonna happen with Autism. My son's concern was the students often often used sports as a "pay backs are hell" time.
Since my parents have not been in the nursing home too long, we are quick to feel that her negativity is all about her “evil abode”, and that we must fix it, until I remind myself and the rest of my siblings that we have seen this same type of behavior before, even when they both lived at home and we were all waiting on them hand and foot. My mother is not like this all the time. She generally has a good sense of humor. We have to learn to determine if her ugly moods are due to her circumstances, a medical issue, her mental illness (Bipolar), or just stuck in a negative rut.
As others have commented, let us all pray that we don’t become that person that everyone avoids in our old age. That we be grateful, even in our diminishing health and abilities, for those things we still have and can do.
My daughter and her family used to live five hours away, and they would come to stay the weekend with me about once a month. One time, they had only been back about an hour and I was nagging and fussing at my son-in-law while I was preparing dinner. I was in the midst of another jab when from across the room, he said, “Mama ______, if you don’t stop your nagging, I’m going to come over there, pick you up and give you a big kiss!”. Well, that shut me up! I was so surprised that I laughed and realized what a pain I was being (yes, I have a great son-in-law). I think, since I didn’t see them as often as I would like, I had saved up all the nagging to be unleashed in one fell swoop!
I do think that the parts of us we see in others is the biggest rub on our psyche. That's why people tell us how much our child that drives us crazy is just like us. 🤪
Another thing that I might suggest is bringing her some activities that she might enjoy, like an Adult Coloring book and color pencils, some simple puzzles, some books and magazines. Maybe some simple cross-stitch kits from the craft store, or things like that. Think of things that she used to enjoy, like maybe a handheld gaming device, that she could play solotaire on, or just a deck of cards. Another idea is a packet of pens, paper, and a box of various stationery cards and some stamps, so she can send out birthday cards and notes to friends and family, and maybe get her a calendar, so she can keep track of the days, weeks and months, and stay in touch.
The Dollarstore is a great resource for inexpensive gifts, to keep her busy, and less complaining!
She may like to have some snacks and cookies, some simple fruit, for light snacking in her room too!
She might appreciate a new throw for her bed, and some new slippers! You don't have to bring all these gotta call at once, but each time you visit, a little care package, to divert her attention from all of the negativity and complaints.
It sounds like you have done so much already, but do try to bring some happiness every time you visit, as their world's do become very small, and I'm sure the boredom really gets to her. Be Proud of all you've done, she is one Lucky Lady, to have such caring family! God Bless!
God help us if we become more ourselves as we age. I'll be a shotgun toting (using a broom handle for the shotgun) show chicken farmer wandering around the AL looking for weasels and coyotes.