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My husband moved his 79-year-old father in with us who has delusions. The move happened because he claimed he "sees hears, and feels" lasers being shot into his head from his neighbors. He is otherwise independent. He drives, handles his own finances, gets SS, has credit cards, etc.We have a 4-year-old and a 6-year-old and both work full time. He has moved into the guest room. My husband doesn't feel he should be involved in any of the household finances, essentially living here for free with zero expense or responsibilities. I feel he should contribute to the household and if he can't "live alone" due to the delusions, he shouldn't likely be driving either. However, my husband refuses to take control of his finances or impart other rules on him other than let him use us like a free hotel. His income, although meager compared to ours, still pays for his new SUV and whatever new tv or other things he likes, like traveling to visit family in California or gambling. I'm fed up and tired. We don't "need" the money to make ends meet, but I feel he should still contribute as a member of the the household! Any thoughts or suggestions!?!

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I strongly believe that every elder ought to be afforded the dignity of paying their own way. Maybe they can't afford to pay fair market value, and they should have the benefit of "family discount," but it is absolutely unacceptable in my book for them to be treated like they have no financial responsibilities.

What do doctors say about his delusions? I would be inclined to say he shouldn't be driving, but I'd like to hear his diagnosis.
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If your husband thinks that anyone gets to live in this wicked world without paying his way, one way or another; if your husband thinks he can move his father into his wife's home without her willing agreement, and sustain that arrangement indefinitely; if your husband thinks that driving while paranoid is absolutely fine... then your husband is the one suffering delusions.

How long has this been going on? You may need to give it a very short while for the dust to settle; but don't leave it much longer before you insist on discussing a practical, sustainable *plan* for your FIL's future. If necessary, get allies and reinforcements involved - doctors, social workers, mental health care providers.

Also. Have these shooting sensations in your FIL's head actually been investigated? I think we can be reasonably certain it's got nothing to do with hostile neighbours and laser beams. But that doesn't mean the sensations don't have a real cause.
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Of course he should be paying rent!

You are giving up your privacy and a certain amount of freedom to interact with your husband and kids.

And please make sure that Medical and financial pos are executed so that your husband can help his dad out if anything happens to him, like a sudden illness or stroke.
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Totally unacceptable for you to be working to support your FIL. Tell hubby you will either cut your hours to the extent that FIL should be contributing or set the same amount aside rather than contributing to household expenses yourself. FIL I assume was paying his way before he moved in with you. If hubby is unreasonable about this consider it a warning sign of things to come. Guess who will be getting up at 2 am when FIL shits all over the bathroom floor.
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He should be paying his own way. As time goes by, he will be needing more and more items and some of them really add up.

You don't have to charge him for your time and efforts if you choose not to - but he should be paying his own way as much as is possible. Don't feel guilty either. What else will he be doing with his Social Security, etc.?
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He will need to go into a home eventually. Maybe it would be wise to put his money away or check into his finances to make sure he will have money for that. Or start making plans if that happens. And maybe throwing his money away gambling is not the best thing for him to be doing. Because it would be tragic if you and your husband had to finance a place for him.
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Jackie - your battle is really with your husband, who is being unreasonable and short-sighted about his father, his wife, and your children. Your husband should be making sure that you and your children are safe. That is his first and foremost responsibility as a man, father, and husband. And he is shirking those responsibilities. Your husband is forcing you to live with a person who "sees, hears and feels lasers" and has taken away your power over the situation in your own home. And that is troubling.

You do have more power than you may feel you do. First, proceed to the DMV and report your father-in-law as a potentially dangerous driver. You can do so anonymously. Usually what happens is the DMV will send the driver a letter requesting he reports for testing. If the DMV determines that he cannot drive, they will revoke his license. If they don't, it's not on you. You will want to keep all that documentation in the event something does happen while he's driving.

Marriage can be challenging. Your children and their safety must come first. You have every right to insist that your husband step up regarding his father including making and taking him to doctor's appointments so that he can be evaluated.

Be encouraging with your husband but do be firm. Do not let him dismiss you and your very valid concerns. You can be assertive without being aggressive; however, be aware that emotions will run high especially on the part of your husband whose father we are talking about. Your husband likely wants to crawl up in a ball and disappear his problems with his father.

Help your husband figure out what is best for his dad. At the same time, let your husband know what your healthy boundaries are and will be going forward. For example, let your husband know that you will not change his father's diapers or clean up accidents. Figure out what you are willing to do to help your husband.

The key to getting through this very difficult period in your marriage is communication. Communication must be clear, consistent, and constant. If your husband refuses, you've got bigger problems but it's best to know what you are dealing with sooner rather than later.

So sorry this is happening. Know that you have support on this forum.
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When my FIL was at the end of his life, my hubby decided that dad would come live with us and "we" meaning "I" could take care of him.
Wow--I'm sure smoke came out of my ears. We still had two kids at home, I worked PT and both kids were giving me typical teenage drama. Hubby said "family takes care of family" so I responded, "then my mom can move in with us??" He looked at it from my POV and backed down. Also, both daughters said they would move out if Gpa moved in.
Realistically, there was so much backstory, drama, guilt, etc over my hubby's relationship with his dad--and I wasn't going to get sucked in.
And I wasn't going to just take care of dad for nothing (well, I ended up doing just that--but on my terms)....mother lives with my brother, but she does pay for the cable bill and half the electric. She also has helped out a little in the past. She needs to feel somewhat independent--I do not like my kids paying for stuff for me--maybe in a few years, I'll learn how to do it gracefully, but right now, I am offended if they pay for stuff or refuse reimbursement for things they've bought on my behalf.
Your hubby is not listening to you and his dad sounds like a bit of a menace--driving, gambling--and having delusions? With two small kids in the home? This is a recipe for disaster. Grandpa needs assisted living or some other kind of living arrangement. This dynamic could easily destroy your family. You and the kids should come first. Good luck.
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If your FIL can afford a new SUV and gamble, he can probably afford an assisted living facility. Check out those nearby so you can visit often and take him for a visit there before making a decision so he can see the lifestyle that is offered. Most of these residences are well structured with excellent meals, capable staff, opportunities to meet others in his same situation and many activities (you think Bingo might satisfy his gambling need?) but can be expensive. It sounds like your FIL may be able to afford it.
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No, see, I think thecare of a father should be done by the son. During the day why he is working is one thng but middle of the night thats husbands . Unless its my husband, I would not bathe or toilet another man.
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