My FIL (only 69 y/o) is obsessed with being a patient, especially a surgical one. He refuses physical therapy, only wanting surgery. He has literally begged his drs for his last several surgeries. The only ones he truly needed were the ones on his heart and arteries. He didn’t even ask for those—he wasn’t given the option. When my husband expresses concern over yet another surgery, FIL gets angry and tells my husband to just make all decisions for him. Husband tells him if he’s supposed to make decisions, then FIL needs to go to PT. FIL again says his body just can’t handle the activity (yet he goes out dancing on the weekends). He has told my husband he wants to sell his house and move closer to us, but claims he can’t find anywhere to live. I’ve looked into apartments for him, but he wants us to care for him in our home because he knows I’m working at home most of the time. He wants continual care, but not in an assisted living apartment. He craves our attention, but fights off nurses. He wants to be in recovery for as long as possible, but claims hospital staff are the ones keeping him there.
It’s all gotten so much worse since his wife passed. She was very ill, but still gave him attention, so he was occupied. Now he sees a regular dr every week, and specialists every two to three days. At this point, it’s gotta be for entertainment and social purposes just as much as a desire to be operated on. He lives over an hour away from us, is scared his covid shot won’t protect him enough from us and whatever exposure our children may have (because one is in school), so we don’t visit much. He talks to husband on the phone regularly, but it’s always about one of his ailments, another neighbor dying of covid, and how he won’t be around forever, hinting again and again for us to invite him to live in our home. We don’t have the space, nor the time to entertain him and chaperone such frequent dr visits, exposing us all to more and more covid risk.
My husband is the only blood relative left, so the responsibility and pressure is on.
We accept that we may never get his dad to see that his infatuation with being a patient is a mental illness (he thinks mental health is all hokum anyway), but I know husband and I need help with how we handle this all. I’ve looked into other support groups, but they are for children suffering munchausen by proxy.
Maybe this forum will have some insight?
My husband recently employed the tough love method and FIL got angry. He went from, “My spine and tailbone is so bad, my a** fell off. Just my entire butt. It dropped six inches, son. I’m serious.” with the most pitiful, near-death sounding voice to a fiery, “H*ll no! I ain’t doing that sh*t!” when my husband said it’s time to actually exercise and—again—go to PT.
I worry for my husband’s mental health sometimes because I know his patience is wearing thin and he’s torn between the guilt of this being the only parent in his life...and coddling a man at the expense of his own health and family’s livelihood.
I’m rambling. I’m struggling to get it all out while also nursing a baby and getting an older child ready for school tomorrow.
I hope this made sense.
For heaven’s sake, don’t take him into your home. At age 69, he could ruin the rest of your lives, and destroy your marriage. The only leverage he has is FOG pushed onto your husband – Fear Obligation and Guilt. It sounds as though your DH can see it, but still finds it hard to cope with the FOG.
You are probably right in thinking that FIL will think that counselling for him is just ‘hokum’. In fact, I would suggest that it’s your DH who needs the counseling. He needs to let FIL make bad decisions without assuming that he can be in charge or that it’s his responsibility to try to rescue or ‘cure’ his father. See if a professional can help you and DH work out a way to handle this!
One poster (Paul) had a very similar sounding Dad. In a few words: lonely & needy.
He was under very similar pressure too. He wrote of being unable to change his Dad's mindset, but how boundaries helped to protect himself, his marriage & his kids. The old man wanted so much attention & disregarded any of his son's needs (regarding his work, free time or family life).
Sometimes, with therapy & support these type of folks may gain confidence & learn to be more independent - or at least gain some insight. So if they are no longer independent enough to live alone (& that's OK - we will all get old!) they grow to understand this & accept it.
But there seems to be others that stay fixed in their beliefs. Maybe they believe family must take them in & do all for them? Other factors may inc cultural or even brain changes.
My Mother started wanting to know my work hours. Started trying to schedule my time... Hmm 🤔. A hole appeared where she used to have reason & empathy. Later, scans revealed past TIAs. A'ha.
In the end, it will be up to FIL - if he can change his mindset. Up to him to choose: to be miserable or joyful.
Don't answer the phone, don't go over there, don't let him over.
Your decision not to let him move in with you was a very wise one. Do NOT relent on this, even once COVID is over.
My own FiL is like that, literally every conversation was him describing surgeries he's had, or "needs" to have. My wife and I both work in healthcare so we both know he's full of it.
Yes, your father in law is mentally ill. Your husband needs the help of a professional in creating and maintaining boundaries with such a parent.
The place to start might be cutting back to accepting one phone call a week.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/factitious-disorder/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20356034
If your FIL does have this pretty rare mental disorder it might be helpful for your husband to talk to a therapist for strategies on how to create boundaries to protect himself while engaging with his dad. The Mayo suggests having a gentle conversation with his dad to make the case for an evaluation. That's about as much as he can do. Boundaries will be important. May you both receive peace in your hearts as you try to help him to help himself.
Its best to set down some boundaries with him. Decide how often you'll speak with him on the phone and for how long, accepting the fact that he's not going to take your advice, and leave it at that. Your DH can't change his father, or fix his mental health issues, so all he can do is decide how much chatter he can handle on an ongoing basis.
Some people crave attention, negative or positive, and will do whatever they can to get it. Surgery seems to be your FILs hobby, which is unfortunate, but not something you can likely change. Stick to your guns all the time, letting him know that living with you is NOT an option, but you'd be happy to help him find a nice Assisted Living community when the time is right. That's the line I drew with my folks years ago and I'm very glad I did. My mother is 94 now and living in a Memory Care Assisted Living community which has saved me from the burden of hands on care for her 24/7. Her needs are far too great and she requires a staff of people to look after her. I'm sure your FIL will be similar. There is no need to feel guilty for making such a decision, which is in everyone's best interest.
Good luck!