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We visited my FIL at the rehab facility today and on our way home, my BIL contacted my husband & said that FIL is not improving and they cannot justify keeping him there and they want to have a meeting with the family. Medi-cal works the same as Medi-care, you have to show improvement or Medi-cal won’t pay.


Here’s where I get angry. My BIL is the one who moved him out there and the one who is in charge. He’s the one with POA yet he won’t do anything! My husband told him he doesn’t want to waste his time because they either send him to a nursing home or back to the hospital and there are no other options. My BIL said “well that’s exactly why we need you there”. No they don’t need him there. He has no say in anything. He can’t give any orders, he does not have POA or guardianship. FIL cannot afford to self-pay. We do not have access to any of his information so if he is going to need LTC medi-cal, it’s out of our hands, we do not have the ability to track down any of the information they need. My BIL is the one who has all his stuff and the POA and he is in charge. He is the only one who needs to be there, he can tell them there is no where for him to go, there’s no safe place, no one to take care of him. We found out yesterday that my husband’s back surgery has been approved and it is scheduled for April 3rd so.....whatever happens, my husband will not be able to be involved even if he wanted to! We will not be helping out financially either. My husband got annoyed and said he would like to tell his brother to man up and start making decisions. He said “I have my own s%$% to deal with”. BIL hasn’t done anything since the first care meeting back in December. He’s insisted on all 3 kids going to every meeting and he hasn’t been pro-active about anything, he just takes the call from the hospital and then rounds up his siblings!) FIL lives with him too. As the conversation went on, I said he’s either going to a nursing home or back to BILs house and that there is nobody to take care of him. My husband then throws out “well you could take care of him”. No I cannot!! I will not!! I said nope, I’m not giving up my life to take care of someone else. And he says “you ain’t got no life, you don’t have a job”. I am a SAHM, had always planned to go back to work my youngest started school but it’s been too hard because of my husband’s line of work and lack of family to help with child care. I told him that there is a social worker or discharge coordinator on site and it’s literally their job to figure out where he goes from here. I don’t know if he’s going to give in and go to the meeting but I suspect he will


How do I explain to my husband that we cannot take his father in and become his caregivers? He does not have any idea what it would entail. The man is on oxygen, has a feeding tube, and a catheter (has urinary problems, ongoing since he moved out here last year). We really would have to give up our lives. Well I would. Because he cannot take care of himself! I do not think he can bathe himself. We would have to rely on husband’s siblings for respite care and I already know, my BIL will come sit with him for an hour and then leave! Not to mention, where the heck is he supposed to stay? We don’t have a spare room. Someone please help me here. I don’t know if he is serious about this. If he is, how do I explain in the gentlest terms that his father coming here is not an option. That I refuse to become a caregiver. I can’t even believe he suggested it to be honest. I’ll be taking care of him post surgery and pretty much being a single mom, I’ll be taking care of 2 kids by myself for who knows how long!


Also. People please, please, choose the right person to be your POA!! There is a reason my MIL did not put my BIL as a backup POA on her health & durable POAs. She didn’t make him successor trustee either. My FIL designated him POA and he’s not doing his duty here. Please choose the right person for the job!

Alright literally nothing happened as a result of the meeting and nothing was said about the future. My BIL and SIL attended. My husband said he knew nothing was going to happen which is why he refused to attend. I guess he was the only one who attended by phone.

I can tell he doesn’t want to be involved in this. I think I have shared this before but my FIL was an absentee parent, wasn’t around much when he children were growing up, my MIL raised them alone. Just wanted to get out there because I am sure people are thinking he’s a horrible person for not caring! He does care but not enough to deal with this on top of his own health problems. Anyway......

This is frustrating......no one wants to do anything. They all 3 suck at communicating and my husband won’t establish any boundaries! I wish they would start thinking about the long run here. They have to know that.....rehab is temporary. They don’t even seem to communicate with FIL! So it just baffles me that so much importance is put on attending these dang meetings when no one seems to care enough to get involved outside the meetings. They all seem to want someone else (the facility) to handle it and I totally understand that. I would feel the same way under the circumstances. I just wish they would realize that the 35 minute drive out there is hard on my husband physically. And I wish he would make that clear to his father and siblings! He can only handle sitting in the car for 30-35 minutes. There’s no reason his brother can’t go to the meetings and report back what was said. So that’s that i guess. I can only assume he’s going to stay in rehab but I don’t understand how, if he’s not progressing.
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Have a small update. Apparently they decided on a phone conference between the 3 children, social worker and the PT and OT therapists that are working with FIL. I was able to listen in on the first 5 minutes. Basically they are all reporting that he has declined rather than improve. He improved in one area-he can now walk 60 feet. But in all other areas, he has declined. When he first arrived and they assessed him, he could walk 30 feet. They said he needs 50% assistance when it comes to using the bathroom and dressing himself. They basically said.....he can’t do anything on his own. And a good part of the problem is that he is in bed too much. He’s not going to get healthier and stronger if he’s spending 20 hours a day in bed. I could have told them that! I think they said something about how he’s at risk for aspiration pneumonia because of the feeding tube and being in bed so much and that with his compromised immune system, he’s not likely to recover if he does get aspiration pneumonia. The gist of it appears to be that he is non-complaint because he doesn’t have enough stamina and because he’s staying in bed too much. I didn’t get involved in the conversation but I did ask my husband if he’s had a psych evaluation and that maybe depression is at play here. He said he doesn’t know and I told him to bring it up! He had to leave to an appointment and was still on the conference call when he left so I don’t know any more than that.

Seems to me he needs a higher level of care than the family is able & willing to provide. Sounds like my SIL expects rehab to fix her dad even though they basically said he’s not compliant, he’s not getting out of bed. He knows he needs to be up and in the wheel chair for a few hours a day and he’s not doing it. I just hope my husband stands his ground and tells them he needs to go to AL or a nursing home if he cannot take of himself and he cannot stay in rehab. Worst case scenario I think, is that my BIL takes him home. He won’t get the care he needs. I can see my SIL arranging in home care or volunteers or something but.....it will be for a few hours day, whatever she can get the taxpayers to pay for basically and when the caregivers aren’t there, FIL will be left to take care of himself. No way will my BIL or his wife step up. They’ll leave it to everyone else. When we thought his hospitalization was just going to be a short one, she was trying to get some hospice organization to bring him free meals. I have no idea what that was all about, i’m Unaware of such a thing. It wasn’t meals on wheels, that’s for sure.
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Thank you all! Truth be told, I can handle someone on oxygen, my mom is on poxygen and truth be told, I would take care of her. Same with my husband, no doubt about that. I could take care of my dad to an extent too. But of course it would be on my terms because I will not sacrifice my physical and mental well-being. I don’t have it in me. I just don’t.

I know my husband is stressed, I don’t blame him at all. I know he doesn’t exactly want surgery (who does? Unless you are surgery addict) but he knows it’s necessary if he wants his life back. He can’t go back to work and he can’t play golf unless he gets his back taken care of. I swear when it rains it pours. We finally get his surgery approved and scheduled and then today he goes to the dentist because he cracked a tooth and now he needs 4 very old filings repaired and a root canal!

Looks like he will be skipping the meeting. I haven’t brought anything up today because he’s been in a bad mood. My BIL had suggested having the meeting tomorrow afternoon/early evening and my husband has made plans to take the kids to the movies after school so I’m taking that as him not going to the meeting.

i understand that sometimes everyone should be involved especially when it affects them. In this case, my BIL knows my husband feels their dad needs to be in a nursing home. There is not a single family member qualified to take care of him. At this point my BIL needs to meet with the social worker and explain that dad cannot come home because no one can care for him and he needs to ask how to get the ball rolling to get him in a nursing home or assisted living facility. Seems all 3 kids talked in December and agreed he needed a nursing home and this is where my BILs inefficiency as a POA comes in to play. He’s done absolutely nothing. If he had no intention of bringing FIL home, he should have been working on a plan of action. But that would involve thinking of someone other than himself. This is harsh but it’s true—he is the kind of person that wants the title and the powers but doesn’t want to actually do the job.

My husband says that if he tells BIL to step up and do his job as POA that everyone will think he’s just
mad that he’s not in charge of things. Truth is, he’s not mad. He didn’t and doesn’t want to be in charge. He’s dealing MILs estate and his own health issues and possible medical retirement. But he’s right, my BIL will think he’s just mad he’s not the one calling the shots. My BIL hasn’t opened up any communication with his siblings and dad other than going to the meetings with the hospital staff.

Im still upset over the comment about me having no life and being able to take care of FIL! I know he thinks I have it easy and have all the time in the world. But that doesn’t mean I can or should take care of his dad! He has no idea we would be getting ourselves into!!! No idea at all! I know I have an advantage because I found this community and have learned so much about caregiving, and I’ve seen what my mom went through taking care of her MIL (who was just getting old, she didn’t have cancer and other issues like FIL) as well as taking care of her elderly neighbor not too long ago. He’s clueless. He thinks IHSS would pay me and I would collect a check while continuing to stay home! And that is a far fetch from reality! I would be running him to appointments and cleaning him and making sure his wants and needs are met! Plus taking care of a husband and 2 children!!!
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FrazzledMama Mar 13, 2019
Tell him that you are run ragged already taking care of him and the kids, but will be happy to look for work if HE wants to be a stay at home dad and become his dad's full time caregiver. I bet he'd change his tune. Really, I'm just being snarky lol, but I'd so be tempted to say it if my husband insinuated I didn't have enough to do.

I agree with others. He probably got frustrated with his brother and took it out on you. I doubt he really seriously wants to move his father in either. Tell him it might be a good idea to join forces with his other sibling to try and get BIL to see that FIL needs LTC, and will be best able to get the care he needs in a facility.
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Good for you for refusing to be the slave for FIL. Oxygen, feeding tube, and catheter?

What nerve!
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Kick your husband in the backside - what a snarky, disrespectful comment!

You cannot care for FIL because his care needs are beyond the ability of you to provide them, whether or not you would even wish to.
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Her husband threw out that since she is a SAHM that she could take of his father.

Tell husband you will not care for a man other than him. You wouldn't expect him to care for your Mom including toileting so don't expect you to change a catheter for his father. Plus any lifting that may be needed and dealing with a feeding tube. FIL needs to be in LTC and Medicaid paying for it. I think maybe your DH is tired of the whole thing and just lost it.

He has told brother no to being there. Maybe you should call BIL and tell him that his brother cannot be there. He will be going thru surgery in next two weeks and then will be rehabing. Your suggestion about a Social Worker is a good one. Tell BIL to consult with the one on site. Tell him you think at this point Dad needs LTC. When he starts, tell him he has POA. He has the authority because FIL probably cannot make an informed decision at this time. Don't say anything about u can't do it. If BIL asks if u can give FIL care tell him DH won't be able to and you do not feel comfortable giving the care FIL needs.
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Is California as f*cked up as Michigan with home based waiver services (HHA, CNA) up to 60 hours a week for BIL's home, if they choose to put them there? With Medi-cal, what type of managed care team is in place?
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worriedinCali Mar 13, 2019
We have an excellent in-home support service program but I am pretty sure he would have to pay for it. Since he was eligible for medi-cal, I believe he is eligible for IHSS BUT he will have a share of cost and I don’t know if he will pay it. He moved out here to live with my BIL and help pay his huge mortgage so....from what I have read on it, he is looking at having to pay around $500 out of pocket for in-home care. PLUS someone is going to have to find the caregivers. With this program, you have to find them. IHSS doesn’t assign them. And seems to me he needs skilled care considering he’s on o2, has a catheter and a chest tube! I don’t know if IHSS will pay for skilled workers. Most IHSS caregivers have MAYBE a CNA cerificate. I have no idea what kind of care teams are out there. This is stuff my BIL should have been looking into back in December. But he doesn’t think of anyone else and he’s incredibly lazy.
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Just flat out tell your husband you will NOT take care of your FIL.

As far as POA, my my brother & I both have POA of my Mom, but we can act separately. We have a sister that lives 2 1\2 hours away. When ANYTHING comes up concerning mom, the 3 of us make a decision JOINTLY, because the decision affects all of us. We don’t want want to be accused of acting secretly & we want the moral support of each other. Even if only one of us is signing legal paperwork, everyone is fully aware of what’s happening & if at all possible everyone is there. It sounds as if your husband does not want to be involved in decision making. You should just be honest & tell your BIL how you feel.
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