SO went to his parents' house to install a 10" mini guardrail up their back steps. He asked his mom to say where it should be placed, she came out, and she passed out. SO caught her but couldn't actually lift her. He has offensive-tackle arms the size of my thighs, augmented by his having to clear sewers. 911 was called and because he's actually on work today,
Brother and Brother's Wife were called upon to come watch Dad after the ambo carted her away, because the indy had been given dispensation to just run along home for a minute on her paid work time. She lives 30 minutes away so nah, not just a minute.
Last week, he wouldn't get out of bed when SO went, not even with an overflowing Depends, due to the pain of the fracture which the ER did not check him out for.
And SO did this on his WORK TIME. Granted, he was on standby so wasn't getting paid for it but could immediately be dispatched somewhere else. Plus he did it in his work truck that has a camera looking at the street and at him at all times. He is highly dissatisfied with his salary and the work conditions, but increasingly I feel that he is not pursuing alternative employment at least partially because of this.
His parents were the ones to announce to him that no they didn't require his services for pay, although infinite volunteering was always welcome. His dad once put $40 in the mailbox (this was during the height of the pandemic) and was then like "hurr durr you can't use $40?"
I really like where I live. I don't want to rent it to get some apartment in the central valley. But frankly we are not in the financial position to support them whereas they are literally eight-figure people and SO cannot do toileting. It's an ingrained thing with him.
What the hell do we do? Is there anything that we can do other than what we are doing? I don't think so. They have their caregivers. They give them time off when they want. As far as the taxes, hell no one knows. But they're getting worse and worse.
Even though it's a "lull time." As in FIL had two post-stroke head operations and a heart operation to minimize his chances of dying from another stroke (he already had one). Her S4 lymphoma is for now deemed "inactive" but she had two squamous cell procedures already. It sometimes happens when treating a different cancer.
They are 76 and 80. No dementia. Their one goal is to stay together in their house until the end, which they think will happen the same day for the both of them (and no they don't plan on assisted suicide). It will just keep getting worse and worse especially as MCI (we are seeing the very early signs of cog decline) slip in.
Help. I don't know what to do in this escalating situation that was not even supposed to escalate at this time.
Except it didn't work out that way at all; dad died in 2015 and mom lasted another 7 years w/o him, never even mentioned his name again, actually, except to say foul things about him.
So everyone wants to 'die at home' or 'age in place' and all that Movie of The Week nonsense, but in Real Life, too much disease happens that forces the elders into managed care, normally. But in your in-law's case, they have 8 figures to toy around with, meaning they can afford live in help 24/7 365 if they so desire. Real help, though, like nurses and people who are actually medically trained to properly care for them, IF they don't have too many issues that require a SNF. Then they can choose to make that happen.
If not, and they have too many medical issues that prohibit in home help 24/7, then they will have no other choice BUT to go into a SNF together. Here in Denver, there is a very high end continuum of care place that also has a SNF that's like a hotel, literally. The resident does NOT have to 'buy into' the SNF like they would have to do in the rest of the place; they can go right into the SNF and just self pay monthly, to the tune of $14K for one resident, IDK what the fee is for the 2nd person. But you'd never know it was a SNF, that's how beautiful it is. Each 'room' is more like an apartment; the nursing station is very subtle and not like a nursing station at all; there is a dining room that looks like the Waldorf Astoria in NYC, and so on. Your in laws can look into a situation like THAT and stay together, live in the same room or better yet, ADJOINING ROOMS, like the ones they have in hotels, and that would be the next best thing to living in their own home if that couldn't be accomplished.
You and SO can't help them accomplish their 'dream' to stay home until they die, though, that just won't be possible for you. Just stick to your guns but by all means, look into the most luxurious of SNF set up's that are available in your area, I believe you are in CA, and as such, I'd imagine there are VERY NICE SNFs for the Hollywood glitterati to reside in, should they need to.
None of these elder situations are 'supposed' to escalate but they always seem to, and always at The Worst Possible Times, too.
Good luck, however this turns out.
She called him to sweetly ask (they always are sweet when they want something) for yet another weekend of his--really ours--will be spent moving around furniture. I mean, I get it.
But when she called, SO had just come home after getting in an accident with another driver. No one was hurt but there was property damage. It wasn't his fault but yeah, he could well be fired anyway.
I said if it happens, I'm not listening to them call at 8:45 am each morning with volunteering demands. If this happens his only 40-hour priority is to get another job as opposed to elongating this period by volunteering for mom and dad. I'm not gonna sit here for another like 6 months having him go over as a volunteer and not working or helping out here. He knows this boundary and he got a job before. This better never happen again--not unemployment--but me ending up subsidizing everything so that he can volunteer at Mommy's. Hell no.
1. Completely Independent
2. Semi-independant
3. Completely Dependant
These folks were 2.5 or something ?? Now with falls & fractues 3?
It's hard as a completely dependant person to call ALL the shots. But it can be done..
Their goal is to *Stay together in their home*. OK
So as they moved from 1-2 they used up the family free help & hired home help (DIL + others?) Good.
As they get become more dependant, their home help must increase.
Eventually live-in round the clock help. If 1 is insufficient, 2 staff, plus on-call backups via an agency. If unable to manage their fleet of staff, a Geriatric Case Manager/Care Co-Condinator needs to be hired oversee & arrange care.
Let's hold the horses here.
I would say it time for an HONEST chat about their situation.
Is their goal still the same?
What's MOST important to them? Staying together? (Then move together into a NH).
Or staying in their house? Then they will need to turn their home into a NH, complete with equipment, aides & a manager.
Is it worth it just to see the same walls & carpet? Really?
Or do they REALLY mean "we want to stay together in our home" meaning *AND THIS WILL PROTECT US FROM EVER GETTING ILL OR OLD"?
Because THAT my friends is la-la-magicical-land of wishful thinking.
And we know, introducing the cold reality means we are the bad guys. "Selfish" for not catering to their every want & whim. You can be the bad guy. Or let their train derail & a Hospital Social Worker or Doctor will be instead.
My other scale is;
Thrive
Survive
Crisis
Demise
They are in Crises now. Sometimes a few loops around the circuit of Home-Hospital-Rehab-Home-Fall-Hospital does it.
Can make even the most stubborn horses drink 🐎🐎
DIL will stay on as the "manager" --she manages their housekeepers after all and hasn't been super bossy to the indy so far even though that's her personality
The indy's hours have to stop. I'm sure she is appreciative majorly of the $105K she earned over the last year, but in the time she's been employed with them she's already been hospitalized and is now going home on the job and that's exactly when SHTF. At least SO could catch his mom enough for her to not hit her head. But he just happened to be there that time. She may ask for more time off, whatever, with the leverage that well working 128 hours/week was unreasonable and she went to the hospital.
It's just word of mouth, which this indy has always capitalized on, that it's not already this way given the profit motive. If they even attempt to capitalize, that's a whole nother problem. Which they should realize. This person is not family and their relationship is strictly business. As in, you two released her to skeddadle home probably because of the hours and at the hour you did, the SHTF.
It really sucks, but we're trying not to get sucked into it. I mean, I absolutely won't.
It just keeps getting worse and worse, you know? There are sometimes months that it sometimes seems "better" but it's not.
Guess what? It didn't happen. It couldn't happen. His balance was too poor. I live at the other end of the state. There was no support there as his friend was already in care. He was 82. He had to sell it and move to ALF.
It just isn't about what we WANT at the end.
You know Beatty here, right? Who always says "There will be no solutions as long as you are all the solutions".
And trust me, the solution isn't, CANNOT BE your money. How long do you have left to save toward that million that you will need for your OWN long term care, unless you are one of the happy few who goes boom, smiling in your easy chair, at once, happily watching TV (my Dad was laughing over Larry King Live and Monica Lewinsky's visit there.)
I know you have the support of other family, but this is only the beginning of all this, and it will get worse. They aren't in a safe place.
I am so sorry. I know how awful this all is. And it doesn't have to be addressed TODAY but it does have to be, and that should NOT mean giving up your money and where you live for no good reason and with dire results.
Love and heart out to you.
IF SO was up to do the toileting, and if he were getting paid at least parity to this DIL ($70K) plus insurance for him, I might say, ok, well go for it. But neither of those are true, and they are in charge of their own POA.
They aren't "acute" right now--meaning he's had his post stroke operations and for now her S4 lymphoma is inactive. They aren't acute, but their falls have now landed both of them in the hospital within a week's time. They aren't acute, so they think that they can just live in their house built in 1930 with a 1970 addition forever. Plus there are still the two of them, so the unsafe discharge wouldn't even work.
DH calls discharge planner lays out BOTH parents' conditions.
Eventually, after 2 or 3 repeat performances, the hospital will put it together.
I just finished a wonderful book "Never Simple" about a woman with a mentally ill mom who steadfastly refused to take her into her own home, but who continued to advocate for her mom. And how her mother sabotaged that advocacy every step of the way. Tragic, but instructive.
Full disclosure, the author is an acquaintance of my daughter from college.
No dementia and they are competent to make bad decisions.
Who has POA?
POA, if there is one should be contacting Discharge
Planning at the hospital saying "unsafe discharge".
I had an aunt and uncle like this. Their youngest child, my cousin, gave up his job to move in with them. Killed himself about 2 years after the last deceased parent died.