Sorry in advance if this is all over the place I’m trying to get my thoughts out in black and white and would appreciate if anyone has insight or personal experience with this.
My mom 64F is currently living in a nursing home and we are planning on transitioning her out to live at home and I will provide care for her. She has many medical needs.
I am also looking for a full-time job. There are minimal options in the small town Southern California town where we live.
We likely need to move.....and need to find a location that has both 1) good career opportunities + long-term stability for me and 2) good access to healthcare for my mom.
WHERE CAN WE MOVE TO? HOW’S THE HEALTHCARE IN OTHER STATES OR OTHER CITIES IN CALIFORNIA? I’m open to moving anywhere at this point. I have no local support system or friends here that I am tied down to.
Getting a job is the "easy" part. I’m more concerned about access to healthcare for my mom and have no context for what that’s like elsewhere (aside from family who live in Arizona, Wisconsin, Illinois, and Nevada which I can ask them about).
My mom has Medi-Medi for health insurance, which qualifies her for both Medicare (a federal health insurance program) and Medi-Cal (California’s Medicaid program). So far, we have been very pleased with the level of care that has received.
As I'm writing this I realize everyone's health needs are different. I'm just a bit scared--of the unknown and of change.
Obviously this is a decision I’ll have to make. But I’M REALLY LOOKING FOR ADVICE, INSIGHT, IDEAS, PERSPECTIVE, QUESTIONS, SIMILAR EXPERIENCES, VALIDATION.
While I am blessed to have emotional support from loved ones, the decision ultimately rests on me, who is my mom's power of attorney and partner in this. I want to make the best choice for me and my mom.
Finally, I have already made the choice to take her out of the nursing home. Please, don't advise me to keep her there. I'm open to advocacy and support for making the choice of where to move to and what that looks like for healthcare.
I'm also trying to approach all this in a more optimistic light and with an abundance mindset. And to be kind to myself, release the need to control, and let go of the perfectionism that is unattainable in anything in life.Thanks for reading. And if you're a caregiver or care advocate too, hang in there. I know your work is largely invisible to others but it doesn't go unnoticed by me.
P.S. - Anyone know of housing options for low-income seniors?
Anyone can give advice. Few will follow through on their promises to help with an old sick person who needs nursing-home level care.
It is much easier to get the government to provide all the the funds (the food, the care, the housing expense (electricity, internet, phone, etc.) if one uses a facility like a NH.
Okay, let's get past that and onto your real question. Getting into low cost housing is not easy and quick. In addition, each state has its own rules as to what will qualify a person for low cost housing. One can have a full time job and still be considered low income level. When it comes to senior housing, which only your Mom will qualify for, in my state, each housing unit has its own set of rules as to whether another person under senior age, is allowed to live in that unit with the senior. Some units won't even allow a grandchild, just for babysitting for 8 hours per day each week. So, the answer to your question is not definitive.
Continuing the rambling of my thought, nearly every where in the US has some positive and negative to it. Some states have no state income taxes, yet they tax you in other ways to get the income. You might find some smaller towns to be more willing to help you with your Mom's care without payment. However, there will be certain norms and unwritten "strings" to that help.
It sounds like to me that you are at a stage of your life where you are willing to do whatever needs to be done to get to a certain point in the future....but you don't have a firm idea of what that future looks like.
A better idea to me, would be for you to get a job at one of the larger companies, and use their benefit plan to see a guidance counselor (for career) and a personal counselor (for helping you firm and plan some life goals).....and leave your Mom in the NH at this time. Then start working on the plan.
I lived in California a long time ago. I also lived in a state that was not in your list. I am currently living in a state that has higher taxes and cost of living than California. I am not on government assistance so I can pick where I live. My experience has shown me that one really has to start to settling into the place (1-1.5 years), before you can appreciate the pros and cons to the area and its amenities (or lack of amenities). In addition, as you age, priorities change. Hence, that is the reason why I suggest you see a personal counselor. Once, you have a more definite sense of what you would like out of your life, that will help narrow your choices down so that you can try some options.
It is good to have a plan for your life. Also remember that the plan needs to be flexible enough to handle changes that you hadn't planned on or changes because a preference has changed. This is all okay. However, you still need to know where you are headed. A personal therapist can help you create that plan.
I’ve 77 and not all that well, but I’m definitely not NH material. I can’t quite understand the in- then- out scenario at age 64.
Housing for low income seniors is difficult to get into and there is a waiting list in most areas.
The problem might also be your age. you may not qualify for the housing as well. Unless you are classified as her full time caregiver.
Does she need a full time caregiver?
And if you are working you may not "qualify" as a full time caregiver unless you are working from home.
This brings me to another question.
Why is mom at 64 in Long Term Care or Skilled Nursing? You do not give any information on that.
While I am not going to discourage you from having mom discharged to your care please be realistic.
If you are going to be her full time caregiver you may well be giving up 20, 30 years of income. This is GREATLY going to effect you now and in your future.
Are you going to be able to care for mom safely?
While I mentioned Low income senior housing is difficult handicap or ability accessible housing is even more difficult to find.
And the hard question (I am sure you have had all this go through your head anyway)
What truly would your mom want you to do?
Would she want you to take care of her for the next 20, 30 years as her caregiver
or
Would she want you to live the best life you can and be her advocate, her daughter,
Now that is out of the way.
Do not move mom until you have located where you want to be.
Once you have a place, a job then move her. There is no sense in trying to move her multiple times. It would be difficult for her as well as for you.
The one thing, then I am certain I would be certain of is to move somewhere where they are already living, a town that does have reasonable size and a hospital. Whatever way you move in the state will make a great difference in the cost of rental housing if you two are moving together.
You mother is very "young" by todays, standards, two decades younger than me and the age of my daughter who is very active and just retiring, planning an active life.
Can you tell us a bit more about your mother's disabilities and illnesses?
It would also help to know what work you are qualified to do. That makes a good deal of difference in moving about our great state with such a diverse population.
Nursing homes are state regulated. It’s not like you’ll find a better one by moving to a different county. Speaking of which, how are you going to pay for any of this?
There is nothing you can do for your career if you're out of the work force for however long she lives. Mother is not terribly old, and could live another 10, 20 years. By the time you try to get a job, thousands of younger people have taken your place. You'll be starting from the bottom again in your 40s, 50s, or 60s. How will you recoup the years of no income? If you won't work now, what is the plan for your old age? You're young now but I promise you, 30s and 40s will go by fast. It doesn't sound like there is an inheritance to fall back on.
Consider the following:
-Whatever schedule you have now will be out the window.
-There will be no more dinners out, no vacations. Friends and family will say to call if you need help, but almost none will volunteer to stay with her. As far as aides go, bear in mind they can't be 100% reliable. Like any job, employees have things come up, emergencies, sick days, quitting, or just stop showing up. How will you deal with that?
-When do you plan to get things like errands and grocery shopping done? She cannot be left alone.
-Can you lift her multiple times a day and night?
-When her health and cognition gets worse and worse, how will you handle it?
-Are your toilets, bathtubs, etc handicap-ready? Will her bed have safety rails? Are meds stored safely?
-Can you handle multiple toilet visits, butt wiping, diarrhea, wetting the bed, and getting her undressed/dressed? Multiple times a day/night?
-You will have to lock down your home to prevent wandering. Extra locks and possibly an alarm system to wake you if she leaves the house in the middle of the night.
-Are you able to help with bathing daily?
- If she keeps you up at night, how do you plan to handle work/chores the next day? Same goes for working from home.
- If you get sick or injured, what plan do you have for her care?
- If you are no longer able to care for her, how will you get her back into a nursing home?
-She is not all that old. Can you do this for another 10, 20 years?
-If you are single, you will not be able to date or have any sort of romantic life. If you want to have children one day, give up on that now. You are not going to be able to pursue that dream in this situation.
I've said before that people think they can "love their way" through caregiving. That love will be enough to sustain their energy and will. It isn't. Nor is it the same as caring for a baby. Caregivers here loved their elder dearly. They had to place their elder to save both of their lives.
Come back when you have your nervous breakdown and maybe we can help you at that time.
ETA: it takes 3 caregivers for one adult. Who are the other two caregivers where you will each take an 8 hour shift?
I very sincerely wish you good luck.
If you insist on going through with your plan, you'll soon find out why I (and many others here) would advise not to remove mom from the nursing home. Please let us know how it goes, and I wish you luck.
Is your Mom going to be able to be left alone while you hold down a fulltime job? Because at 30 you need to look towards your future. If Mom needs help during the day, if you are looking for low income housing, she can't afford it. Private aides you may get $20 an hr x 8 is 160 a day $800 a week. Agencies are more. Medicaid "may" give u 8hrs. You are looking at people who have lives and emergencies. What are u going to do if an aide does not show up. Agencies may supply a sub but not private pay.
You need to consider Moms needs. Employers can be sympathetic for so long but they expect you to find a solution. They are paying you to be there and do the work.
Moving to another State? Mom may have to be resident for a certain length of time before she will be eligible for benefits, especially Medicaid. Her Medicare will follow her to another State if traditional. If considered a Medicare Advantage plan, it may not follow her to another State.
I know bringing Mom home is what you want to do but there is so much involved. You say she has many medical needs. If one is Dementia, that only gets worse and the person will need 24/7 care. You may take more on than you can handle. Believe me, we all on this forum have experienced it. Some wish they did not decide to bring a parent home.