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Dear one, I am trying to figure out how best to 'be there for', love and help care for my mother and father, given the following background: mother was consistently verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive towards me as her only daughter well into adult years. I attempted help, calling things out, healing and reconciliation together for about 15 yrs, met only by resistance, gaslighting, denial, putdowns and unfortunately, never an admission or acceptance of wrongdoing. Well into my 30's I realized if I wanted a chance of life, I need to move on. I did the hard work emotionally to forgive and heal and started to rebuild my life. My father had been present but emotionally absent, co-dependent on mom and looked away from or denied the abuse, until that period in my 30's, when he admitted failure and responsibility in part. We were able to reconstruct our relationship to a healthier one following that. Mom was diagnosed with dementia and has deteriorated rapidly. Strangely enough, the onset of the illness brought previously unheard of openness from her side. As I was in a healthier place, we built a relationship that is shallow but filled with compassion and mutual care, with genuine good times when I visit (abroad). Mom is now in a nursing home for persons with dementia, with father and siblings in that geographical area to assist. Yet the burden of caretaking has been increasing on them recently as mom is still very controlling and at times abusive, has had medical emergencies and for the first time, I am not there to buffer. I have moved away, and am rebuilding my life. Despite knowing that boundaries are right, I wrestle emotionally with wanting to contribute to her care, yet being abroad/ far geographically limits this, and I find myself wondering: life finally looks bright.. after decades lost and deep pain due to a toxic mother and family system, I am finally at a good place...My father and siblings are experiencing the full blow weight of 'mom unfiltered', for my siblings potentially for the first time (I was the only girl, as guys mom treated them differently). I want to love and help.. I deeply care and truly have fogiven mom, yet to which degree do I do so, keeping in mind my own personal well-being and the fat that I am at the start of 'my life', due to having lost so many years in that same co-dependent abusive mechanism? Any help in grappling with this, is welcome.

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why do you need to be there now? from the sounds of it you have siblings taking care of your mother, which I assume are adults? Your mother is in a nursing home being taken care of, so why do you need to assist exactly? Your family should be used to the fact that you are not around. Do you feel guilt because they are taking care of her and not you? I wouldn't. She is in good hands. All her faculties are not working anyway, it will not make for a nice experience for you, and there will be triggers that will bring back emotional turmoil for you. I say call a few times to see how everyone is. That is if you have an ongoing relationship with your family, if not then continue living your life where you are and be happy without guilt or regret.
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You have to put yourself and your life first. In almost every family the daughters are the ones who take the abuse from mom while the sons are always golden.
Let your brothers take care of the needs for mom that the nursing home doesn't do.
Be emotionally supportive and encouraging to them. Let that be your end of it though.
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The person in my home's daughter is overseas and her story (in her case delusion) is much the same as yours. Most days, I want to throttle her.

The focus of your post is on your abusive relationship with mom, well take mom out of the picture. Simple things like calling your dad or sibling just to say hi or to let them vent frustrations is very helpful. Do not say stupid things like, I cant come visit because its not a real vacation and vacations are needed to recharge or the worse sending pictures of you on vacation and say you had to go because of the stress of mom. It has me nuts both days.

The best thing you can do is listen to dad or siblings without judgememts.
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Your mother lives in a nursing home. Perhaps focus on helping the rest of your family accept that she is controlling and abusive. Visit your mother once in a while while you continue to repair the family bonds that have been broken.
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It’s wonderful that early dementia allowed you and your mother to come closer together. Treasure that time as your final memory of her. Your presence with her in late dementia is likely to ruin that memory. The carers in the Nursing Home, your father and your brothers are well able to do whatever she needs at this stage. Save your visit up for the very end.
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Why do you feel you have to go back to your job as "buffer"? Let the rest of the family see what you have experienced. It will be eye-opening for them.
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Nothing 'good' ever comes out of a relationship with a demented elder, let's face it. No matter how hard I try to deal with my mother who's suffering from moderately advanced dementia and other personality disorders, I can NEVER really get through to her. I'm always wrong, she's always right, no matter how absurd her delusions are, and I will forever be The Bad Guy. Just yesterday I had to listen to a whole tirade about how she should be living in Her Own Home, at 94+ years old, in a wheelchair full time, having fallen 72X so far, incontinent, with CHF and AFIB. She would be 'perfectly fine' living alone and cooking & cleaning for herself! Not 1 hour later my cell phone rang; it was the Memory Care AL where she lives letting me know she'd taken her 73rd fall, leaning over in her wheelchair to pick something up and tumbling out of it, head first.

It's a noble thought to feel like you'd make a difference in your mother's life by being physically there for her. In reality, you'd be butting heads and arguing all the time, just like I do with my mother.

Please leave well enough alone. Your mother is not 'alone' having your father and siblings to visit her, and an entire staff at the SNF to look after her.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2021
Totally agree that is the case in some circumstances. There was no pleasing my husband’s grandmother. Even if my MIL (her only child) had given her the sun, moon and stars or the entire world, for that matter, it still would not have been enough! Sad, but true.

Before I was even married into the family my grandmother in law to be thought that she could order me to eat at her home for dinner every single Sunday! I told her no right off the bat. She drove everyone in the family nuts with her demands, rude behavior and never being satisfied!

I was young and naive though and thought if I was extra nice to her that she would be nice back. Oh gosh, was I wrong! I gave up on trying to please her. It was absolutely impossible for anyone to please her. My MIL said that she was either the meanest woman on the planet or had severe mental illness. Of course, grandmother in law would never speak to a therapist because she believed everyone else was wrong.

I believe that my sweet grandfather in law and my darling mother in law went straight to heaven because of all of the penance they did by dealing with my grandmother in law!
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I want to thank each of you who took the time to write a response to my questions. Your questions were each truly helpful. You touched upon vital aspects like: what are you expecting out of possibly getting more involved? Is there anything you can actually do? What are your motivations in considering getting more involved?

I took time to ponder these questions and have more clarity, and above all, peace of mind. It is clear that I need to keep protecting what I have built up until now, while relating with proper boundaries.

Thank you!
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I really don't see where you can help. Mom is in a NH where she is being cared for. Your father and siblings have the option to visit or not visit. The option to not pick up the phone if she is abusive. Her abuse, in part, is the Dementia talking but also a part of her personality. They need to set boundries what they will and will not put up with.

Whatever good relationship your Mom finally had is now gone. Because of the Dementia, your Mom cannot reason or show empathy. Even the nicest most giving person before Dementia may become self-centered after it.

I think you are still looking for approval and love from Mom. Sorry to say, you won't get it now. Since your in a good place, stay there. For whatever reason, Mom doesn't know how to love. And Dementia does not change that.
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Your mother is now treating the others in the family much like she treated you. She and your dad have long established patterns in their relationship that are unlikely to ever change, he’s long shown he’ll put up with her behaviors. Your siblings have their own choices to make about accepting being treated poorly or making changes such as you have. It’s wonderful that you’re in a much better place emotionally, guard that and continue to protect yourself. Tell your siblings how you made things better for yourself and then accept not being able to make their choices in this. It’s very possible to have a loved one in a nursing home and in dealing health without having to put up with abuse. But it’s on them to do this or not. I wish you peace
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"I am finally at a good place...
I am at the start of 'my life'..."

Great! 💪

What would you hope to achieve by returning? To put yourself back into old family dynamics & risk of abuse? Familiarity?

Do you remember the film 'Love Actually'? When Hot Karl asks Sarah "will it make him better?"

Ask yourself - will going back make your Mother better? Will it change anything? Will it make your life better?

You have begun to re-write your life script. Keep going.
It is fantastic, yet scary to move forwards. Embrace it. Go create your life with joy.
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Who is in what country? Are you in the States? Need more details in order to make practical suggestions.

If your mom is already in a nursing home, isn't she getting all the care she needs? What more would your involvement be adding to her care?
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Keep your distance and boundaries because it sounds like you are considering taking a more active and present role in assisting in caring for your mother and if you do you will become once again the target of her abuse and mistreatment. Your mental health and we'll being is far more important than that of a now demented abusive woman. Adding that your dad and siblings would love nothing more than for you to resume your whipping post status with mom so they can go back to the way things were. Don't go there and let that happen. Your mother has not changed.
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