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My brother is resentful that I cannot come and help him with my mother's care. Any ideas? I live several states away and have limited finances but he still is angry. I do not feel like he understands anything I try to explain. It does not help that we have a difficult relationship to begin with. Any ideas and comments would be welcome.

THanks

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Amen @Ferris1. I had the reverse with a fourteen year my junior Twisted sister. Had to go "radio silence" on it.
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Also, having supplies delivered is a big help. Depends, pads, meds, clothes, and many other things can be ordered online and delivered. Shop for prices. WALMART, Costco, Amazon, Overstock, and many others.
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In addition to working with your brother talk to the manaement at the AL. They will be able to tell you how much she socializes, what she seems to enjoy, needs that they have noticed, etc. Perhaps. Brother is doing things himself that the AL could do
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You do what you CAN do, phone calls, cards, a visit when possible and don't try to let the other sibs guilt you over anything. She's getting care, it is sad you can't be there more, but, well, what do they expect you to do?

Having said that, I admit to guilting my sibs into paying more attention to mother, altho we have a different dynamic. Nobody lives more than 20 minutes away from her, so I felt OK about a gentle reminder to actually VISIT or CALL her each month. I couldn't command them, and I didn't. I actually didn't expect they'd step up, but they did.

In any case, you do the best you can do and turn a deaf ear to the others. My mom loves a long phone chat, a visit is better, we have to remember that people in their 80's may not enjoy emails or texts. I hate texts, but a nice chatty email--it's almost as nice as an old fashioned letter. (I'm only 60, but I still love to get actual cards and letters..and of course, I don't get either!!)
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I had the same issue with my little brother. He needed help with mom but he wanted it on his terms because of his very controversial religion n the fact is he's also VERYcontrolling. I went ahead and let him do what he wanted and if I disagreed I'd let him know and frankly BECAUSE I let him be in charge initially, we worked together well n sometimes he would take my advice. ( compromise) I flew back and forth for 1.5 yrs so I could come home to recharge with my wonderful husband ( who now has ALS) for at the most 3 weeks every 6 months till mom passed. This was Oct 2005 to March 2007.
But to me in the beginning when we found out mom had Alzheimer's, I would have helped anyway. Shes my mom. ❤️ I would have put up with anything just to have those few prescious moments that I'm forever grateful for.
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You can only control your own feelings. You are not responsible for anybody else's feelings. I take care of my mom in my home and it's been rough. The only thing I ask of my five siblings is if I call I'm calling to vent so just listen. I have 1 brother that picks up the phone everytime and another that calls every month to talk. The rest they call to find out "how's mom" and then give their two cents worth. I respect that helping is just not going to happen physically and I know that it was my decision to move her in with me when she asked. So I take full responsibility for that and I look at it's my decision how I handle her living conditions in the future. When your brother complains just tell him you will listen and do what you can from where you live but it was his decision to move her closer to him. Keep your chin up.
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Your brother's anger is misplaced. He should be angry that your mother got dementia and needs care. The only person you can control is you. Stop trying to "fix" your brother and tell him either he grows up and deals with your situation or you will stop talking to him. Having him disrespect your situation only leads to you being unhappy and he is trying to make you feel guilty. Do not allow him to do that anymore. You stop it...
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See the NOA's "Long Distance Caregiving" for suggestions on what you can do both for your mother and on what you and your brother can do about your differences.
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Littlepat67 I just had to smile when I saw your name. I am glad to see you are responding so well to the people that answered you. They are correct that you need to support your sibling who is taking care of your mom. If my brother would take some of my burden I would be so grateful. Phone calls and sincere support means so much. Also, trusting that I know mom better than he does because she is different with me than with him on his few minute phone calls. I see the day to day problems and deterioration of our mother. Good luck to you in your endeavor to support your brother.
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I want to thank JeanneGibbs and geewiz for answering my question. I think I might be in the wrong place since my brother moved my mother closer to him. He has the responsibility of taking care of all her needs. Thank you Jeanne for the reminder of not being responsible for my brother's feelings.....you are right. Thank you geewiz for those suggestions on how to help my brother and mother. I did not think of some of those and will try them.
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Your background says you are caring for your Mom living in assisted living. I am a bit confused, Is your Mom in a facility? Nearer to your brother than to you? Caring for parents should involve all of the children (in my opinion) but what they contribute varies. Has your brother indicated what type of help he would like you to provide?
Can you send cards? Call Mom? Frequently thank your brother for all he does? Make arrangements to go and stay at his home while you visit Mom in the AL and he takes some time off of that duty? Can you do things online that would free up time for him? e.g. incontinence and health and beauty items can be ordered online and delivered to your brother or the AL. That frees up his time. Can you do research online for things he needs answers to ? Out of area siblings rarely have an idea of how much time and emotion is drained in caregiving parents, even when they are in a facility! Tell us more and there will be a number of ideas you can use from a variety of caregivers on this site.
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Your mother is in assisted living? What is it your brother wants you to help with? Plenty of people get along in assisted living with NO family members to help. Obviously that is not ideal, but it is possible.

I think you should stop being defensive and trying to explain, since that hasn't worked in the past. Agree with him, and try to move the conversation to different topics. "Yes. It really is too bad I can't afford to be there more often. I'm glad that Mom has you to visit her."

Postage stamps and phone calls are not expensive. Send your mom cheery notes or greeting cards. If she can handle phone calls, call her at a set time, such as 2:00 on Sundays. Even if your brother doesn't appreciate your efforts, your mom will!

You cannot control your brother's feelings. Refuse to accept accountability for them.
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