My 77 year old mom and 88 year old step father live alone but need help. I live 2500 miles away. My sweet parents are still living in their home in Boise. My sister is handicapped and in a care facility that does a terrible job taking care of her. Parents visit her almost every day but have no control over her care. Mom has dementia but not diagnosed. Dad says she's fine just a little forgetful. He refuses to tell me what will happen if he passes before she does. Other than another sister that is estranged from the family I'm the only child. I live in Houston where I'm based as a flight attendant. I cannot move to Boise. Nor can I quit work. I'm extreme worried and concerned about what will happen to my mother AND my sister if dad should pass away. They have NO savings. I have no way to pay for care. I can't stand the thought of burdening society but I don't have any idea where to go for guidance? Dad keeps saying that she will die first or they will die together "Notebook" style. Mom forgets her meds, forgets things I say within five minutes, heart problems, diabetic, knee and back issues. Has had over 40 surgeries under general anesthetic through her life time. My only brother passed away very suddenly a year ago at age 53...Thoughts?
Your feelings of being overwhelmed and lack of ability to answer some questions is totally normal. Working as a Geriatric Case Manager, I have seen and helped others as they launch into the abyss family. The first thing I would tell you is to take a deep breath. Overwhelmed comes from a situation coming into your consciousness at one time, when there is a lack of education and planning. Planning is a multiple step process. First – define, by your particular situation, what the questions are housing, in-home care, answers to medical needs, and so on. Now seek out what services are available in your parent's residential area. Many of the services will be available and paid for through social services (don’t discount these as a ‘handout’). Your parents worked hard for these resources and are proud of this community service they have provided. Sit down with a counselor from Area Agency on Aging, government funded program primarily paid for through the Old Solider’s Act and discuss what is available for your situation, from Veterans Benefits to Railroad Pension to private resources are very possibly available.
Second, pull together a plan of action to guide you when the time comes for, the necessary, helping your parents (This step rarely happens with adequate time for evaluation.). Knowing what resources are available is a key, to reducing the emergence in the in the event you have only a few minutes to get to their home (impossible, right). Pull together a list of your parent's friends and neighbors to put in place to give you four days to get there. Have in front of you what the final wishes your parents want are (not your wishes their wishes) being prepared at this juncture, of family caregiving, to initiate this a plan while on the road. Who is their medical provider, their clergy, their Attorney or legal representative that would know last wishes? Knowing where the resources are to help pay for final direction by parents. We can sit down with Funeral Home staff and have a plan of action before there is a need for it. These arrangements can cover costs of their final wishes and go as far as who speakers are, what information is in the flyer for services, down to music and possible physical help with memorial or refreshments following the service.
Third, marshal together your resources to depend on when the need arises. Knowing your parent's legal agent is a big part of this third step. Again many of these can be put together for you to activate in the very beginning of the situation, while you are making arrangement to get there. Have all of this written down with contact information from step one to step three. I would suggest a five by seven hard bound book to be taken with you on any trip or use when documenting any arrangements.
The planning, in the beginning, will very possibly stave off the overwhelming feelings as you are now knowledgeable in the situation. Delegation is the path to achievement; this is the culmination of which friends and neighbors have knowledge and can step -in with information giving you time to get there.
Also, it's not a moral issue. The legal utilization of current law, programs, assistance is perfectly proper and no one should feel awkward about using them.
If your parents will help you "organize" their papers - what little may be in their house to organize, that would help. Any health or homeowner insurance certificates will be needed. Tax statements that show the yearly tax bill on their house will be needed. Any motor vehicle tags and fees must be provided. If they have any life insurance policies, have those policy numbers & contact information at your fingertips. Medicaid will require all this and more, so get started.
You will soon learn what entities are willing to handle your requests quickly and professionally. Others will be like pulling teeth.
In our case the Medicaid agency and my spouse's supplemental retiree health program were the worst to "work" with. The state provides no means of assistance by phone and no local caseworker with whom to make appointments. It's a "don't call us, we'll call you" operation because, as the snf lady said, "they are so busy, you will never get through". True.
If your parents can not or will not help in the process, the less said the better. If you have POA you can request all documents be mailed to your address. This will bypass some of their resistance, since your parents may not hand them over to you.
Being tired and overwhelmed is a part of this process. If you occasionally can have a good day with a few "get away" moments or hours, make the most of them.
tell you about the asset management process. The first time consultation is free most the time so get all your questions ready. If it's not free call another lawyer.
2. They are probably going to tell you to become the POA and medical POA which is a very difficult situation for someone that WORKS in another state. If anything happens you would become responsible for their care immediately. Since your Mother has dementia this would mean she would need daily care.
3. Since you are a flight attendant I'm not sure if
You are the best person to assume responsibility. What if you are in the air when there is a medical emergency? Is there any extended family that is in the state? I would push your Father to
Name people that can help that are close.
4. After you get advice from a lawyer tell your Father what you learned and have him call the lawyer as well. Living in La La Land about the whole thing is no help to anyone.
5. They probably have money from retirement accounts if they worked and they both have social security so that is some money coming in. Do they have a house? If your Father passes I think your Mother would get his social security?
6. It's unfortunate your Father is from the generation that hates to talk about money and death. If your do find a lawyer to talk to give your Father the number and have him call.
7. Also don't get talked into doing anything your are not comfortable with and can not financially manage.
I had a coworker who used their services to locate a good nursing home for an out-of-town parent when there was just no way for her to take the time travel and visit nursing homes. It's a great benefit for employees.
You have to work with your parents on their own terms. Meaning, if they would be more concerned about the burden placed on you when the time comes that he can no longer take care of her then that's the direction of the conversation. If they would be more concerned that their care would be taken over by the state because they didn't have the proper documents in place to control their future care/decision making, then that would be the direction of the conversation. Does that make sense?
Your concerns are very valid. The proper paperwork is absolutely a priority. I am neither POA or Health Care Proxy. That makes everything I'm trying to do to keep mom out of a facility very difficult. Many moments of banging my head against the brick wall!
The recommendation of the book 5@55 above was an excellent recommendation. Educate yourself on the proper documents that your parents need to put in place. That way you can educate your parents on the importance of the documents and perhaps get them to move on getting all that in place.
Also excellent advice to get the phone numbers of neighbors or anybody that can help keep you informed.
Lastly, Medicaid is in place for the aging, that is not placing a burden on society because that is there for when it is needed. Everyone pays into that system all their working life. Don't hesitate to utilize the services when needed. I have found working with a good care manager has been far more helpful and got the job done to get my mom on Medicaid and activate the services she needs. It is a very broken system and you will no doubt need someone to help navigate through that system.
Take care of yourself. Get people in place that you can stay in touch with to keep updated on your parents. That piece alone will help lower your stress level and improve your quality of life. Good Luck
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I would get phone numbers from neighbors and friends, so that you can check on how things are really coming along. People put up a good front on the phone and you may not be informed of just how your mom is progressing. Step dad may not be able to accept the truth. I'd be prepared to make some independent inquiries. It would be nice if you had legal authority to talk with their doctors too. If this is too much, due to you beinglong distance, perhaps there is a family friend or someone in their local who can be appointed. I'd just really try to get things on paper in advance, before there is a crisis.
If you have any regular subscriptions, you can save money by cutting them off. If you have TV service, you can drop any extra channels, just eliminate them altogether. If you can get by with just watching stuff on YouTube, you can just drop TV service altogether and save a ton of money.
What you also want to do, shop around for new vehicle insurance if you have a vehicle. As your vehicle ages, it's worth less and less so you shouldn't be paying high dollar coverage for an old vehicle. What you can also do is call your current insurance company and speak to a live agent and see what all in your policy you can cut costs on. Some agents may say you're already paying as low as legally possible, but there are some sections of your coverage where are you can reduce the coverage. Someone advised me to do the same thing because the person said I was overpaying on a bike. I was paying the same thing for full cover that they were paying on liability for two cars. I was very reluctant to make any changes because the agent previously told me I was already paying the lowest amount and I told this person who pointed this out but this person said to call back my insurance company anyway. I was paying $40 for full cover, which was the exact same amount someone I know was paying for liability on two cars. I was reluctant because I previously called them and was told I was already paying as low as possible. I was actually expecting to hear that all again that I was already paying as little as legally possible. When the agent picked up on the other and I gave her my information and told her what one of my loved ones just told me. Much to my surprise, there are sections within your coverage where are you can reduce the amount of coverage. I was shockingly able to go from paying $40 for coverage on my bike all the way down to only $23 and still not interrupt my full coverage or any of its benefits.
Anywhere you can find to cut corners and cut back on cost will help you to build a savings.
However, let me warn you not to fall for any scams or to lend money. If you're already shelling out money, stop. You need that money for yourself and where will you get the money when you need something and there's no one around to be able to give you a dime when you're broke? What if you were to need a new car tomorrow because your old one is in disrepair and cannot be fixed or you can't find the parts no more and you're now without a vehicle? What if disaster struck and you lost everything? This is why you need Insurance such as renters or homeowners insurance and if you get sick or hurt or need other care, you definitely need some form of coverage.
Look at your current situation, start there. Start looking for areas to cut back spending and even look around the house for stuff you can sell on eBay that you don't use. Whatever money you make, put it away but don't put it in the house. Put it in a separate bank account and leave it there. If you can scrape enough money together to put money into a CD, do that. You may have to cancel the CD if you come up with even more money to double what your deposit was, only do this if you want to make the CD even bigger. You can also start a new one. The more you have put away, the better. Don't let anyone take advantage of you and if you own any assets, I don't know three to turn them over to a caregiver in exchange for care, definitely don't do that! This is how people take advantage of their elders especially if they themselves have money trouble. Don't ever except care from someone who has money trouble or a shortage of it because this is how they can be tempted to take advantage of you if you happen to have more than they do. I'm not trying to sound greedy but what I'm trying to say is people with money issues or a lack of money often target wealthy elders. Don't let this happen to you as you build a savings. You need your money for your own care, especially if there are things your insurance won't cover if you happen to be on Medicaid for starters. There are also nightmares I've heard about Medicare, which is probably why there are Medicare supplement options out there because Medicare is broke and can't cover what you need. I also suspect Medicaid is also broke because there have been multiple times I needed something that was prescribed, but Medicaid wouldn't cover it probably because of national debt and the program is broke. I've been hearing how care has even been dwindling for people on Medicare and Medicaid, which is why it's very strongly believed the programs are broke and if they're not broke, they're downright greedy and don't want to pay out when people have needs and need help covering them.
The best time to think of your future care is when you're younger. It's something many of us just don't want to think about or discuss but at some point we're going to reach a point in our lives where this is necessary. What if tomorrow you need a wheelchair and your insurance refuses to cover it because the system is broke or they just don't want to pay out? The answer is simply to just get what you need out of your savings and just buy it privately. You should've been thinking of all of this before now and you should've been doing something about it if you have a lack of money or spending habits that leave you broke. Though you should've already been thinking of this, it's not too late, better late than never but you probably won't have had more money to cover out-of-pocket costs that your insurance wouldn't cover if you even have insurance. I know when Obama was in office, there was a law passed that every American must mandatorily carry some form of coverage. There was a hefty fine for uncovered Americans who didn't have any form of coverage. I thought this was a little unfair in some cases where people were already struggling and couldn't afford insurance but they couldn't get Medicaid either, that was too harsh on people who were already poor only to help a hefty fine on uncovered Americans.
I would encourage you to talk to your parents (esp your dad) about doing some legal advance planning. In particular, it would be good if your dad could designate you as his durable power of attorney for general affairs and for health. Your mom -- assuming she still has the mental capacity to designate a POA -- may want to designate your dad as POA with you as alternate.
Older parents are often reluctant to have these conversations and complete the paperwork, but believe me, you will save yourself headache down the line if you can get it done. It sometimes helps parents if you frame it as about your concern and desire to make sure you can help them, if a need arises.
There is a good book called 5 @ 55, written by elder law attorneys, which goes over the documents older adults should complete. You could try giving it -- or something similar -- to your dad and then having additional conversations.
Also a good idea to talk to an elder law attorney, but best to have several conversations with your parents first.
Good luck!
I agree it would be the right investment if at all possible. Just in case it isn't, and seeing as your stepfather is independent, perhaps you could do some online research and find out what social services and support are available in their area. You can gather names and contact numbers, and encourage your stepfather to reach out for help *before* he needs it, rather than after it's too late.
Above all, don't beat yourself up for things you can't possibly help. Your family has had more than its fair share of troubles, but that will only make it all the more important to your mother and stepfather that you're doing well. I know it's impossible not to worry, especially from so far away, and especially when you begin to get inklings that they're not necessarily giving you the full picture. I hope you'll be able to identify some good resources for them, and persuade your stepfather to use them.
Set up an appointment with an Elder Care Attorney to discuss what should you and/or your parents do, if by chance your Dad should pass first. The Attorney will give you sound recommendations, and explain how Medicaid works for where you parents live, or will recommend an Elder Law Attorney for that area. It will be money well spent.