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My mother lived with me for 10 yrs. She died 3 months ago. She quit eating, she was done with life.


She hid her feelings or I just didn't want to see them. She stayed Home on hospice for 2 weeks before passing. I promised I would always take care of her and never put her in a home, I never did.


The first 5 yrs. She drank alot, always had. She fell alot at night from drinking, I got very frustrated with the extra work and care involved after a fall. Worried she would break a hip. I did not leave home over night except rarely because I worried she would fall, plus it bothered her if I left.


The last 3 yrs. We got her drinking under controll, Dr. Took away sleeping meds it made her very unhappy


I need to get to my point. I feel even though we lived in the same house, I did not spent enough time with her in the last 2 yrs. She loved tv, and it was very very loud, I didnt sit in her room enough to watch with her. She never wanted to leave house , she loved her tv. 2 weeks before she died we went to dr. I asked my mom what she wanted, to live or die, if she wanted to live we would get PT scheduled for home visits so she could walk more, she slept alot and have help. She said live, that was on Fri. On Monday she would not get out of bed, I called hopice and 2 weeks later she died.


I feel I could have done more, spent more time with her, not tried to get her to walk and eat, been more patient, I was mad because I felt she had given up, slipping away and I was to blind to see it. I cry all the time, I cant go in her room, I should have been a better daughter, I am lost now. I am disabled and have not worked for 3 years so I could have spent more quality time with her. I just feel so guilty will it ever stop. I


Did always say I love you, but did I show it enough?

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Justawhim,
We can NEVER live up to what we think we SHOULD have done. You are only human. You kept your mom with you. You cared for her. The fact that you had a moment or two of your own time does NOT mean your care was inferior. From what it sounds like, I would be honored for you to have been my caregiver. Quit beating yourself up. Your mother would not want that.

You did what was right and you did your best. What more is there?

I wish you God's peace and comfort. May He relieve you of the guilt that you have no reason to feel.
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Reply to SueC1957
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You did a great job. One can't change someone else. I feel I will feel this way once my mother is gone but I hope I get through it. I have tried to help my mother for decades. Today she canceled an activity she loves for no real reason. She has complained at times of boredom at her AL. My adult children think I avoid being with her. I probably do at times but she has not been one to count on
She avoided hip surgery for years only to be forced to succumb to having it. The list is endless of what she has avoided. Consequently I never really rely on what she states she wants. From all you said I dont think you could have done anything differently. I understand your sense of loss but you should not add blame to that.
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Reply to Riverdale
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Shoulda, woulda and coulda are our 3 worst enemies as Caregivers. They follow us, pinch us, trip us up and won’t leave us alone. The only way we can defeat them is to make “I did the best I could” our BFF. We are not responsible for the baggage anyone, friend, lover, parent brings to a relationship.

Even though your mother said she wanted to live, by that time it may have been too late. You tried your best to honor her wish, but after years of alcohol abuse, her body just couldn’t recover. This is not your fault. And her past was not for you to control. You went and sat in her room with her and watched a television that was probably on so loud it made your ears ring. But you did it...for her. My husband is bedridden and the television is on reruns 24/7. The other day he was bored and we had “flip-a-Rama”. We watched 30 seconds of 4 shows each for one hour. I had gastric reflux all night after that. But I kept my mouth shut.

If there is grief counseling through your church, take advantage of it. Remember the good times, the peaceful times with your mom. Remember the times you had a meal together and had a nice conversation. Telling someone constantly that you love them is fine. But showing it, which you did, is the real gold. Honor your mother’s memory not by beating yourself up and feeling guilty but by remembering how much you showed her you loved her and helped her when she needed it.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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