I apologize in advance for the length of this question. Here goes: I have a family member who has, in past years, offered financial advice and asked assistance of my folks, and so I have spent a lot of time worrying about those issues, some of which were really upsetting. Things have been peaceful for a long time now, and while I used to have a very adversarial relationship with that family member, we've been harmonious though not close. But recently, I overheard my elderly mom talking to this family member about what sounded like a possible financial deal that seemed really big, and was not what I would recommend for her. My old fears came to the fore again, and I ended up giving both Mom and the family member my two cents' worth about my disagreement. I am Mom's POA for finances (and everything), but she hasn't needed me to step in for anything, because she is decisional, and clear-minded, but I fear that she may be easily persuaded. Anyway, I felt a bit guilty, because their conversation was not my business, so I apologized and sort of vowed not to listen again, and to try not to speak up (not easy for me to do). More recently, after this family member spent time with my mom, I heard mom talking to them again on the phone, asking a question about what sounded like another financial recommendation or idea (though it may not have been about that - I only heard a snippet of it). I know I shouldn't have been listening, but I almost couldn't help it. I was this close to asking, "Now Mom, what is going on? Is that a financial idea you've been talking with so-and-so about?" But I didn't. My curiosity was raised though, so soon after she was off the phone and on her laptop, I went in the room and under the "guise" of checking in with her, asked, "is everything okay?" I thought that she could then share if she wanted to, and while I half-way wanted her to, she didn't, and that was that. She showed me an email from her financial people that she'd been reading, and we talked about that, and I said, "Hope I'm not being nosey", and that was that. But I feel like my motives were snoopy, ya know? Like I asked, "is everything alright" to fish for information. I was instantly remorseful, and now wonder, should I admit WHY I asked that of my Mom, and should I tell the other family member that I was fearful of them initiating some new financial thing? I realize just how fear-mongering this sounds. It's just that there were so many problems from previous financial issues, and so I'm sort of wired now to pick up any possible (even in manufactured in my mind) issues. Thanks, all.
You want to tell your mom that you didn't really care how she was doing when you asked, you were just using it as subterfuge to get information about a phone call that threw your antenna up and you "over heard" so you tried to question her without being honest.
Yeah, sure tell her if you want her to question your motivation from now until she dies.
If your motivation is only to protect your mom then there is nothing wrong with asking her if everything is okay to provide an opening for her to share.
I would definitely not bypass mom and go to her financial advisor snooping around for info either! If my kids did that to me, I'd be livid. My money is mine to do with as I see fit. Until and unless I activate a POA, they have NO RIGHTS to any financial info.
Do let mom know you're there for her if and when she'd like your help or advice. And so is her financial advisor.
Leave it and - good advice often is: worry about your own self. (*See below for what you can do.)
Not knowing details of who is helping whom/your situation and your mom’s, I am guessing. For perspective, my mom is a senior and my younger sister lives with her….just because, well, no good reason. Mom gets aggravated sometimes at having no privacy. My sister could write what you did about our conversations…and it’s nothing bad - she doesn’t understand it, is all.
*For you, it IS quite fair to discuss the following with your mom:
1. As her POA - How does she want her finances handled if she cannot do it? Invest how? Risk tolerance? Same advisor? Approach it from a “please teach me” perspective, as this is her life.
2. As her daughter - Share how you are triggered from your prior experience. Use “I” sentences about your feelings, such as when xyz happened I felt afraid…no blaming these are your own feelings (which you are responsible for - there, I just saved you $2500 in therapy lol, because that’s what I had to learn once upon a time ;)
3. As someone who loves her - her wishes and plans for medical choices and future care if she needs it ever.
Even when you’re careful, it is hard for a parent to see a child as a peer/adult friend.
One way to approach it might be to follow up on the financial advisor’s email, and say that as POA it would be good if she could explain her current finances and anything that might be different when you eventually may need to be involved. You can say that some POAs find that an emergency is really difficult if they have to take over things they haven’t been briefed about. If you are confronted with a stroke, or some other medical emergency, not being on top of the finances to afford medical and care options can make things doubly difficult. Your conversation about the email has reminded you that it’s probably time for you to get briefed.
So yes, she should be handling her finances as she wishes to.
And you should not be questioning her without good reason.
If your mother is of sound mind she has a right to make all the mistakes she wishes to with her money. I would not count on there being much of it left, in that case. And it seems she has no inclination to discuss it with you.
I don't know how you are so often around in earshot of your mom's financial talks with others. But if you live with her you might consider moving to your own place. If she lives with you it will be more difficult to manage, but if she DOES live with you I hope you have a good shared living costs contract with a good attorney all worked out. If not, do so, so that some of the largess she spreads about gets spread your way.
I had that wobbly gut feeling about a financial matter my relative mentioned. Was too late.. fraudster got in & got a chunk before shoved off.
What a hard one!
Treading carefully as you are doing seems wise - to keep Mother's trust.
But do your detective work in the background on this other realive as best you can. Something may well be very off.