Feeling afraid about my future alone if mum passes away, any advice on dealing with this?

Question

Feeling afraid about my future alone if mum passes away, any advice on dealing with this?

Follow

Share

Hi Everyone

I have been my moms caregiver since 34 years old, I am 36 years old now and my mum (a retired nurse) is 70. I love that the Lord has given me the calling to look after mum, but as a single 36 year old with no kids, I'm starting to panic about my future.

I find that I have lost all my friends as I have not time to socialise with a full time job and being mums caregiver at home, I also don't have energy to meet with people and build a strong social network of friends for myself. My married sister lives close to us but I find it so hard to open up as when I do try to tell her or the very few people in my live about how isolated, tired, lonely and scared I feel, they quickly change the topic and don't allow me the space to vent or share my feelings. If they do give me the space to do so, I often feel judged for giving up my life to look after mum in her old age.

As much as it is rewarding, I never knew this journey would be a lonely & difficult road. I find that I have lost myself in my duty as caregiver, companion, cleaner, cook, errand runner, driver and medical decision maker for mum.

Losing myself and focusing on moms needs makes me anxious lately and afraid for my future as one day, I might find myself in the reality of being left alone in this world when the Lord calls her to her final resting place.

I'm not sure if by then anyone would want to date me or if I would still be able to have kids (I absolutely love children) and if I'd be able to revive my stagnant career (with an MBA I have had so many opportunities but I have had to decline in order to look after mum as the current job I have I can do with my eyes closed). I wonder if I will be able to make new friends or revive old friendships. I wonder who will take care of me when Im old seeing that I have isolated myself. I wonder if I will have time to fix my finances as I spend so much for moms medical and nutrition needs that I no longer save. I wonder if I will have the strength to pick myself up, deal with the burnout, the grief and move on with life.

So many questions that I never asked myself when mum needed me to take care of her, I just jumped in without a plan for myself or my future.

I was wondering if anyone else has the same kind of fears as me and if so, how do you deal with it? please don't recommend therapy as I don't have time to be able to open myself up emotionally and put myself back together. I am barely coping as it is.

Thank you for reading, I am so sorry if I come across as a negative person, I never used to be but this journey is starting to change me.

33 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First

1 2

You do need to think about yourself- I am 64, lost my only brother years ago, now have an 87 yr old father that recently became bedridden and a 85 year old mother that is overwhelmed yet obstinate. During this past year I have been fully devoted and pretty much overwhelmed, this can go on for a while you need to do what you can but give yourself a break as well. I too thought I wanted children but that never happened and somehow never managed to have a partner for long term. You can always meet someone, I did at 57, unfortunately lasted only a year - he was recently divorced and didn't want a committed relationship- playing the field. Many people have a hard time and don't know what to say, they are scared of saying the wrong thing so say nothing at all. I am amazed at the friends I have heard nothing at all from or the obligatory text "How are you? How's your dad? Hows' your mom?" which I find even more insulting than not hearing at all. Many reach out because it is obligatory or they need to make themselves feel better rather than you. On the other hand several friends have really been there for me and I am totally in awe of them, it means the world to me. You reach out and talk to friends that will talk to you, maybe just a conversation - doesn't need to be about your mum. Join a meetup - they are super easy for socializing - usually not much obligation and you can meet like souls, I have a hiking buddy that I met through meetup and now we are friends. I did for the first time also try therapy - it's somewhat useful though I probably won't continue long term - just need to get me through this difficult patch. Work on yourself a little and don't judge yourself- give yourself a break. You will have the strength to move on when the time comes, believe me it's difficult and I am terrified myself of possibly losing both my parents within a short time but I know life does go on and we need to with it what we can. In any case there are different types of lives you may meet someone or not but work on your friendships and on things that make you happy, you call if they don't. When you can get yourself out there, open up and you will meet people you are young yet with lots of time ahead of you.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

You are often dealing in crisis mode as a caregiver and that seldom allows time for long-term thinking. I will also emphasize that EVERYTHING is changing now for EVERYONE with this pandemic. Many people are having to change plans and many can't plan until this is over and they see what remains. At 36, you have quite a bit of time left to create a good life for yourself. But you need to maintain your existing business and social networks to the extent that you can. Your mother is still quite young at 70 and I do not know the nature of her condition or the care required but I would not continue to share the responsibility alone. Get your married sister involved.

There are no guarantees in old age that anyone will be there to look after you, even if you have children. You will need to plan your finances and get your legal affairs in order to ensure someone will be your health guardian but you have time to do that.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

It sounds like you are doing an amazing job of taking care of your mom. It can be a thankless job and one that requires all of your attention but it sounds like your mom appreciates you and loves you and obviously, vice-versa. Speaking from experience from someone who lost both parents, it's how you deal with it afterwards. You sound very strong and you WILL be fine.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

1 2

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Feeling afraid about my future alone if mum passes away, any advice on dealing with this?

33 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions