I have been my moms caregiver since 34 years old, I am 36 years old now and my mum (a retired nurse) is 70. I love that the Lord has given me the calling to look after mum, but as a single 36 year old with no kids, I'm starting to panic about my future.
I find that I have lost all my friends as I have not time to socialise with a full time job and being mums caregiver at home, I also don't have energy to meet with people and build a strong social network of friends for myself. My married sister lives close to us but I find it so hard to open up as when I do try to tell her or the very few people in my live about how isolated, tired, lonely and scared I feel, they quickly change the topic and don't allow me the space to vent or share my feelings. If they do give me the space to do so, I often feel judged for giving up my life to look after mum in her old age.
As much as it is rewarding, I never knew this journey would be a lonely & difficult road. I find that I have lost myself in my duty as caregiver, companion, cleaner, cook, errand runner, driver and medical decision maker for mum.
Losing myself and focusing on moms needs makes me anxious lately and afraid for my future as one day, I might find myself in the reality of being left alone in this world when the Lord calls her to her final resting place.
I'm not sure if by then anyone would want to date me or if I would still be able to have kids (I absolutely love children) and if I'd be able to revive my stagnant career (with an MBA I have had so many opportunities but I have had to decline in order to look after mum as the current job I have I can do with my eyes closed). I wonder if I will be able to make new friends or revive old friendships. I wonder who will take care of me when Im old seeing that I have isolated myself. I wonder if I will have time to fix my finances as I spend so much for moms medical and nutrition needs that I no longer save. I wonder if I will have the strength to pick myself up, deal with the burnout, the grief and move on with life.
So many questions that I never asked myself when mum needed me to take care of her, I just jumped in without a plan for myself or my future.
I was wondering if anyone else has the same kind of fears as me and if so, how do you deal with it? please don't recommend therapy as I don't have time to be able to open myself up emotionally and put myself back together. I am barely coping as it is.
Thank you for reading, I am so sorry if I come across as a negative person, I never used to be but this journey is starting to change me.