I feel sorry for my mom -- she's 90 -- but I'm having a hard time talking with her about anything other than really superficial things. I've tried to talk with her about serious issues (end of life choices: "you decide, I don't care") or upcoming situations (my brother, who's her main "handyman/helper" plans on moving away in the next 6 months: "what happens, happens"). My family and I live about 6 hours away.
My father died a few years ago and my mother had decided on an independent/assisted living place but doesn't have enough money for it without selling her home. Obviously now is not a good time to be moving into a place like that and she seems to be okay staying in her home, despite having mobility issues.
She's living alone with an occasional (no more than monthly) visit by a housecleaner and gardener. My brother lives nearby and helps her with odds and ends/taking out the trash, etc., as needed -- about once a week, but as I said he is actively planning to sell his home and move out of state within the year.
She drives, occasionally, to the doctor, pharmacy, but has stopped going to the store. My sister-in-law largely shops for now or Mom pays the housecleaner to buy things. She's mentally alert but her mobility issues have gotten worse over the past couple of years to the point that Mom spends most of her time sitting. When I last saw her she seemed very unsteady on her feet with a cane (uses a walker at night to get to the bathroom) so it feels to me like she's an accident waiting to happen.
I feel sorry for her being by herself, especially since a couple of friends died recently. But trying to talk with her about feelings related to the deaths (I don't want to talk about them -- they're personal) or about making informed decisions about things (her response is along the lines of "que sera, sera (what will be, will be" ), we get nowhere. I did get angry early on when she said things like the latter, but lately I ignore the statements, even though they feel like they are an attempt to irritate me on purpose. I find I can't talk with her as often because either I DO start to get irritated if I try to broach serious things and she gives me a flip response, or it devolves into talk about the weather, and I can only do that for a short time!
I'm not sure there's a question here -- maybe just a sharing of frustrations and fears. I do know I don't call her as often as I think I'd like to be called if I were in her position, but I feel like I have to balance my own feelings of guilt and frustration. Sometimes I wonder if she even cares to talk with me -- she never call me and rarely asks me about my life.
Thanks for listening.
My Mom is quite opinionated and likes to be in control, which is interesting given my dad was the one always in charge (at least on the surface). The moment my dad died my mom took over everything from arranging to get the yard cleaned up -- she had complained my dad didn't care how it looked -- to cleaning out most of the stuff in the house. She tried to direct my husband to do this and do that, but it didn't go over well. Haha! So when you ask about my brother, well, he just lets her do what she wants and if she tells him to do something he doesn't want to do he says no, call someone else. I've talked to him about the things I mentioned above and he just shakes his head and says she's not going to change, she's going to do what she wants. But on the other hand I suggested he talk with Mom about selling her place before he sells his so she can get settled in the particular assisted living place she wanted before he moved, and he thought that was a good idea. Unfortunately Covid has put that on a hold -- she won't consider moving while it's raging. He's in agreement that a fall would be problematic but it doesn't seem to weigh on his mind like it does mine.
I think sometimes, like you suggest, that Mom doesn't want to make the big decisions but then it feels like she wants to make them all herself. She did in fact tell me once a few months ago, in a heated discussion, that as long as she was capable she was making all the decisions. Sorry, I'm all over the map on this! Like I said, I think with some of this she preys on my feelings of empathy and says things on purpose to try to provoke me. I vacillate between feeling sorry for her and her situation and wanting to run far, far away! Lately I've been doing my utmost to ignore her provocations.
Sure do wish you luck. If you come to any solution you think would work, that's great. She's in denial about the possiblity of death as well. Don't pursue if she doesn't wish to. If hospitalized a Social Worker will help you attempt to get answers. If not, the next of kind will make decisions; she is 90, and you and your bro can do that. If she doesn't wish to speak of what you ALL know is on the horizon she doesn't need to do so. More important is what to do while LIVING to insure her safety. Would just tell her "You needn't discuss you wishes regarding possibilities of end of life; but it isn't really an option now to deny needs you have while you are still LIVING."
My parents never made any funeral plans, and their house is full of 50 years' worth of stuff. My dad decided he needed to start clearing out the house, and was getting rid of one item at a time. At that pace, the house would have been cleared out in 2064. I finally told him not to worry about it, and I'd handle things when the time came. It took a huge load off his mind, and as it happened, he was diagnosed with terminal cancer a year later, and I was able to just take over the decisions. The only one he made was vetoing one particular cemetery because his father -- a horrible person who abandoned his family -- is buried there.
I think your mom is telling you in not so many words that she'd like someone else to take over the decision-making. She may like to have some input, but you're asking her to make huge life-changing decisions at her age, and some people just can't do it.
Sometimes you can say, "Mom, we're going to need to sell the house and move you to XYZ Assisted Living." She may then have an opinion -- "I want to go to ABC Assisted Living instead because my friend lives there." Don't bring up these heavy topics with such wide open options, and you may have better luck with her.