Follow
Share

caring for a mom. have been for 5 years now since father passed. she has melanoma and possible other, but her decision is no more tests. ( 87, 3rd time cancer). BFF just finished with a full year of treatments. stem cell replacement. she has been deemed clean right now. have older siblings. 3hours and 1 1/2 hours away. I am youngest and single. parents were each others best friends. did not have many outside. mom starting leaning on me. I was ok with it when she was much more mobile. but now it is wearing me out. I get angry at how I feel. I know I shouldn't. work has FMLA but I do not have the financial means to take any time off. everyone needs from me. work, home, friend. I am trying to get all my bills paid off. so I have very little money left for "fun" I am trying to take a children lit class via mail. but that is getting "chorefull." am I crazy? is it too much to ask to want someone to care for me? to send me a card or flowers or take me out to lunch? all my friends at work have left for other jobs. getting together has become more difficult. is it separation anxiety?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Of course it is not selfish, stop this right now. You are shoulding all over yourself. Your first priority is to yourself, your emotional, physical and spiritual health and wellbeing. You can't give want you don't have and if you don't fill you up you will not be in a position to help yourself or anyone else. Start thinking about how you can start to fulfill your own needs now, your siblings must get on board in some way, sit together and figure it out. Caregivers, Adult Day Care, do it for yourself.
Helpful Answer (14)
Report

Guilt is all part of this process as well as the anger. You are doing a very challenging task. Go outside kick at tree they are always there, scream at the top of your lungs, whatever it takes to release some of the tension off. God knows you need it, no one will blame you, you have to look out for yourself. Try to get one of your siblings to come by and give you some very much needed time for you. It is their mother as well and should be offering you a break now and then. Or try asking a neighbour I am sure there is someone who is feeling your pain and wouldn't mind to help you out. I know what you are feeling as I have been there, I was always taking care of someone else but forgot about me. But everything does evently come to a head and you need a good cry to get you back on track. I'll keep you in my prayers please just ask for some help soon.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

Here's the thing: it's NORMAL to want some personal time of. Thinking you're selfish or feeling guilty about it is counterproductive to your own health. I don't think it's separation anxiety, I just think the world is changing and sometimes it tends to feel like we're standing still with the same old same old everyday and the world is moving around us at lightning speed. Have you ever tried an online non gambling game like scrabble or something? Some games have chat bars were you can meet new people. If you are able to go out, that's a way to bring new friends into your life.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

madeaa, sometimes you have to do it all by yourself such as in my case as there is no one else that will help not even family members, and no my first priority is not myself, my first priority is God, then my mom, then me.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

It is not wrong. You need to take time for yourself. If you do not, you are doing a dis-service to both yourself and your loved one, because you cannot be an effective caregiver without some "me" time.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

No, you are not wrong in wanting some relief. Caregiving is a job, sometimes unpaid. We all need time to ourselves to remain a physically and mentally healthy person. Have you tried any agency like one on aging to get help. Sometimes they have funds to pay for occasional respite. Try as many as you can find in your area. My neighbor lady gets help from Easter Seals. Another suggestion is to try your local hospice. Just remember you need to keep yourself healthy.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

I have no one but myself, I am alone and doing it, I am in another country with no one, friends, transportation, so I know about being alone. You are number one, God helps those who help themselves, you are first, God is part of you, you are part of God, and then comes mom, IMO. You have a pc, you can order anything you need and have it delivered to you, you can get car service when you need it. I would think what I can do not why I can't.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Slad, your mother must have money to pay for incidentals as well as her care? She is not depending on you to pay for everything, is she? Tell her you need some time to live your own life and get someone to come in. You are her security blanket right now, but she will understand when you put it to her in a non-threatening way.
She wants you to be happy and progressing, not being miserable and stuck.
Have a heart to heart with her. Forget about the siblings. However, if she is at the place where she is only thinking of herself and will not consider your needs, then just do what you need to for yourself because maybe she is in reverse focus. Back to the belly button. That 's life. Take care of yourself:) xo
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I feel for you, I have been taking care of my mom who is not mobile and has dementia along with mutiple diseases, I have been doing this for 7 years now, my husband abandoned me and my mother 4 months ago, I don't drive, we are in the middle of no where, I can't work due to my major depression and high axiety, I should weigh 130 pounds and now weigh 98 pounds. stuggling to find transportation to the doctors and to get groceries, I have no friends and no family that helps, sometimes i think i am going to have another nervous breakdown as i have already had 2 in my life, I have been abused all my life and this last husband turned out to be a sociopath, the torture has been more than i can take and in the state i am in, i have to be separated for a year before i can file for divorce and he is living with a mistress, so between that and taking care of my mom, i have no life, i am home bound 24 hours a day 7 days a week, the only place i get to go is to the doctor and the grocery store but I have faith that God has a better plan for me so I just keep holding on, will keep you in my prayers, as I pray many times a day, it is what keep me going, I am 53 and have not been kissed or touched in any kind of way in 10 years, he has emotionally and mentally tortured me to the point, i think i will break but i still am hanging on with the help of God. hugs
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I understand being a primary caregiver without any other family members to support you is both extremely isolating and exhausting. I was glad to see you are still working. Working outside the home was needed but also liberating for me as the primary caregiver. All my non work hours were here so being in a more normal setting for work was a blessed relief.
Since you are a one person show, I would use some money to hire home health aides so you factor in time for yourself including meeting your friend.
If your sleep is interrupted, there is nothing wrong with hiring someone to care for mom while you get some uninterrupted sleep---it is money well spent.
Taking time for yourself is hard emotionally but it will make you feel better and you will be a better caregiver.

See if you can get a good caregiver in your home regularly for at least half a day on your weekend off from work. If you can afford more coverage--go for it.
Ask your church if they have anyone who could visit for short periods with your mom for the short runs to stores etc. However, get a calendar and schedule time for yourself, use an agency if needed until you can find someone in the area who works independently as a caregiver.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.