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Basically I've been 'babysitting her" and was an "enabler" for the last 35 years - (after her divorce). She's been in 3 alcohol treatment centers thru the years and last year was in detox. .I've moved her 3 times when she was kicked out of senior housing. I'm the only child within a 5 hour drive. The nursing home is 35 minutes away (an hour ten minutes both ways plus the time I'm there). I'm an empty nester with a job that takes about 55 hours a week. I usually stay at least an hour - she likes the visits sometimes play dominos or eat with her. I bring her toiletries etc She has some speech issues from a stroke and her dementia so there aren't real conversations though we do talk. She is also paranoid an complains inappropriately about her roommate. So not a pleasant time for me. I grieved for her long ago. She hasn't done anything motherly since I was in elementary school. At times I feel sorry for her life and I try to tell myself this my volunteer work. Right now I try to see her on

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Do what makes your visits comfortable for you both and what you can reasonably do to keep your life in order as well. I find it hard to visit my Dad as often as he would like but I think even then that wouldn't be enough for him. I'm making myself comfortable with taking my eldery mom once a week to visit him. Anymore than that stresses me out then I'm no good to myself, my family, my mom or my job.
Do what's best for you!
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Sure, not all mothers are nurturing but nonetheless she is your mother. Maybe she wasn't nurturing because noone nurtured her. You don't have another change for a mom, make up now for what you have lost and make the best of it. Also if you have children they will see how you treat her and they learn from that, if they see you don't make any efforts that's how they will treat you in the future or if you are always there for her you can bet your children will be there for you when you need them.
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I am no expert, my mom is still in her home but should she need to go to a Nursing Home I would go as often as possible.

Seems to me that people who drop off their parents in the NH and forget about them subject their parents to abuse and mistreatment. When you are concistant in your visitation this sends a message to the staff that you wanna make sure things are going well with your mom.

So not only would I go as often as I could, but I'd pop up at all different times so that there wouldn't be a pattern. That staff wouldn't know when I was coming, how long I was staying, or what I had planned for my mom when I got there.

No mother is perfect and they all have their issues but it really doesn't matter because there is no love greater than that of a mother. My grandmother used to say "MAMA'S BABY, PAPA'S MAYBE".

I'm not telling you what to do, I'm just telling you what I WOULD DO.

Hope this helps and continue visiting.
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There's no right or wrong anwer to this question. It's your own conscience. When she's gone and you think back, will you be able to be at peace with what you did? Only you can anwer that question, no one else can make that call. For some, it's a daily visit. For others once or twice a month and every scenario in between. Just be sure you won't carry regrets because you didn't go or resentful because you spent so much time. Sounds like you need to come to peace with your relationship, then you'll know what's 'right' for you to do. Talk to your siblings and try to come to terms with your feelings. There are some support groups around that can help you thorugh these times. There are many of us facing your situation who can help each other. God bless-
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I visit my Mom two times a day she is the only Mom I will ever have.
She had a stroke 10 years ago & now has early stages of Dementia.
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How many times to visit is a very big issue. VHamilton: your insight on quality visits and TIMING are spot on! Other 'family members' would put in 'visible time visits' to show the staff they were there.

My mother was a very caring loving mother all her life and it is sometimes difficult for me to relate to those that have 'less than perfect' to "downright awful' mothers or fathers, but I do understand their position too.

BUT we have to live with the decisions WE make about our behaviors, not justify what 'we' will or won't do based on what our parents did. My mother was so dear and kind to me ALL her life, that there wasn't anything I wouldn't do for her, INCLUDING tolerating her outbursts or her anger when I visited her in the nursing home. But it didn't stop me from visiting her four days a week (or more, I work for myself so I could make my own schedule). But that is just me, I am NOT looking for 'kudos' from anyone for doing so, but I knew in my heart that once she was gone, she would be gone forever. And even a bad day with my mother was better than nothing. She passed on my birthday this year, but it still wasn't about me, it was knowing that she would no longer have to be confused on where she was, or WHO I was. or that we would not have to watch her slip even further away from us, while still being in the same room.

So the point of how often to visit is very understandable, and perhaps even necessary to those with less than perfect parents. How we conduct ourselves is the only thing we can control.

(p.s. I am not a "momma's girl" or a wimp, just a caring person that would want others to forgive my trespasses too)
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I work as an activity director in an Assisted Living unit. I don't think the number of times you visit is as imortant as the quality of time you spend. Some family members who only come once a week are still seen as caring people due to them spending more quality time. Taking them on walks around the faciltiy. Asking the staff how she is and involving them in her life. Playing domino;s like you do and just showing you care when you are there. There are some that come many times a week but poke their heads in 10 minutes before they go to the dining room which shows us they really are just trying to do their duty to show up but put no quality time into the visit. I really think you are doing a wonderful job for your mother. You should be proud of yourself.
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Well, I know every situation is different, so I'll keep any further comments to myself from now on. In fact, I'll probably delete myself from this site anyway. Thank you.
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I agree with Dee2. Twice a month is plenty. You are making the effort and you have already done enough for her, moving her 3 times! Shorter visits I have found are often more pleasant. Just keep checking in on her and 2 - 3 times a month should do that.
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I'd say twice a month if you want a number. I feel for you and don't you dare feel shame! Not all moms are nurturing and I for one do not feel you owe her your only free time. I have a stressful job and my mom lives with me when she isn't in rehab which is five miles from home. If she were in the next town I'd be able to see her once a week.
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Just the little I've read shows that you are doing a great job of visiting with your Mom and trying to be supportive. Don't beat up on yourself or add should have or could have's to your life. Bless you for remaining involved in your Mom's life. You have a lot on your life plate. Best.
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