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I do have a husband & 2 teenaged kids who are great but I've been caregiving for Mom in my home for the past 2 years after my only sibling died suddenly. Mom had dementia and other health issues. She really declined between Thanksgiving and New Year's Day on which she succumbed to her illnesses. I have a wonderful husband and 2 great kids, with whom I can spend more time now. But I really miss Mom and am not sure what to do now. Any advice?

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I'm so sorry for your double loss. You are likely still grieving for your sibling and now you have lost your mom.

Your life has changed dramatically, and with the support of your family, you will not only survive but once again enjoy life. But, first , you have to grieve.

You've got a huge hole in your days that will feel foreign to you. You don't have your mom there needing you as she has these past two years, which most likely, took away from the time you would have spent grieving your sibling. You are bound to feel her loss deeply.

Your recovery will be your own since grief is different for everyone. If you are anything like me it will be uneven. You'll have times of relief and even joy because you know that your mom is set free. Then, you'll be nearly overwhelmed with your loss. These times can come out of nowhere - even as you experience a time of gratitude and joy.

Like love, you can't pin down grief and write a prescription. However, you will be okay. Your mom is still with you in spirit, filled with gratitude for all that you've done for her. As you begin to accept this, and understand that the legacy of her life has not been erased, you'll begin to come together inside.

One thing that can help is to write a list of what her life has meant to you and those who loved her. Keep that around (tear stains and all) so that you can remind yourself that no one is ever "gone." A life once lived remains.

Take care of yourself, now. You are fragile. Take all the time that you need.
Carol
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My first advice is to give yourself plenty of time to grieve. Be patient. Mom died two weeks ago? It isn't realistic to expect yourself to be "over it" or "back to normal" yet. Most people who lose someone close to them feel dazed and lost for several months. It does get better with time, and you have to take that time.

Caregivers have another kind of loss when their loved one dies. Caregiving has been a big chunk of your life for some time. You spent a lot of time with the LO, and also thought about them when you weren't together. Caregiving gives you a purpose and a focus. Even if you viewed it as a burden or were experiencing burnout, caregiving was a part of you. When it is gone, what are you going to do to replace it?

Spending more time with your family is one answer, and perhaps that will be enough. You could also use that extra time on a hobby, or volunteer work, or paid work. But again, be patient! Give yourself some down time to adjust. Your mother died two weeks ago. Don't go out and sign up for golf lessons and volunteer at the library and start applying for part-time jobs tomorrow! Do resume an active life, but don't rush into everything all at once.

It is great that you have a wonderful, supportive family. It will be great to have more time for them!
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I lost my mum 18years ago and I still long to be with her again to talk and laugh and yes sometimes cry together. The loss of your mum is like no other and I felt abandoned at first even a bit angry, but what I can never forget are the many happy memories we shared. You have only just lost your mom and so I feel your pain for you, all I can say is wait and each day you will begin to think of other things, or find yourself smiling about something that reminds you of her without feeling the rawness you are feeling now.
Like you I too have a husband and children but somehow no one seems to fill the void,because a mother is unique to us all and now you are finding out that all the old adages are true; there's no one like your mother;youonly have one mother etc etc.
You are being too hard on yourself and expecting your grief to go, its too early, it is because she was your first friend and best as you got older, how can you expect not to feel wretched, lost and feeling guilt about what you could have done and didn't, that you did do and wished you hadn't, it does hurt like h*ll, but here is the good news, IT WILL PASS, don't expect any real answers there are none, so just hang on in there and before you know you will find you've not forgotten her but how much she gave to you as her daughter and finally your family will be able to help you pick yourself up out of the darkness you are feeling now.
Don't know if this helps but I pray it does and I send you my loving thoughts as a fellow member of this sad old world that mysteriously give us all time to recover from grief if we let it.
Love to you from
Mavis.
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When I lost my father I cried a lot and the best thing was simply talk about to friends and family. It's hard because not only was there grieving but the multitudes of things you have to do--what helped me is to remember they are in a better place and one day you too will have to die. Their suffering is over. Nobody can escape dying. Nobody. It's the living that has to grieve -- the dead are free. I know that sounds morbid but it's true and it does help me. You are lucky at least you have a family who can help you while I have nobody. I suggest you don't get caught up in the funeral--buy flowers and expensive things for the living not the dead. I had my father cremated and I bought a very nice box for his ashes at a cigar shop which was only about $30 on sale. The funeral home wanted to sell me a small cheap-looking box for $1,000 and I thought he was crazy. You see they take advantage of your grief so don't let them--UNLESS you can afford it. I can't. I still have to live.
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You'll need time. Perhaps more than you think. And definitely more than others will think you need. It's raw, personal and unpredictable. Be kind to yourself.
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I was a basket case for the first 6 months after my mother died. I cried everyday at the drop of a hat. One day I was sitting on my yoga mat, staring into space (not meditating, just sitting there dazed). Suddenly I heard a spring door bumper go off (vibrate) by itself. That never happened before or since. I considered that to be a sign that my mother was doing fine in the afterlife. I had a few dreams later, in which she appeared younger and happy. So give it time, as others have advised. Eventually your mother will probably let you know that she is doing well in her new "digs." Blessing to you.
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Others have given you excellent answers here, and I agree with what they've said. You might also look for a local grief support group and see if that helps. Best wishes to you as you take the time to work through your grief.
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I felt like that after my dad died. Be gentle with yourself. Gentle, gentle. Time will take care of the rest.
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Sorry for your losses. It's normal to grieve for a while even if you must seek a support group. However, crying over a loss won't bring them back, so remember there's a time to grieve and a time to get over it and move on. I saw firsthand what happens when someone dwells on something like this, at some point they get very badly messed up mentally, especially if they don't seek help. To grieve for a while is one thing, to take it too far is another. No, you just don't snap out of something like this, grieving is a process toward healing from the loss because you just can't stay in a support group forever when you must move forward with your life at some point
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I am so sorry for your loss! The "fog" may continue for a while yet - mine lasted two months! I didn't try to push through it, just allowed myself time to grieve. You go from the busyness of trying to do everything for your loved one and taking care if your own family to feeling bereft. My prayers are with you.
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