I joined AgingCare 4 years ago and only posted one concern. I told my only sibling about this website and he said to stay off of it, that it is no one's business but ours.
Now 4 years later, my mother has been showing signs of increased dementia. She was in an Assisted Living wing of a rest home, but because of knee surgery and complications following the surgery she was transferred to the Total Health wing and remains there today. The goal was to provide physical therapy to get her back to the room and friends that she loves in Assisted Living.
Lately, however, my brother and I have noticed an increase in imaginary events that she is reporting. My brother was immediately ready to close her Assisted Living room down and keep her in Total Health. At the beginning I fought for my mother to return to Assisted Living, siting that many of her friends also displayed signs of confusion. However, lately these imaginary events have increased to the point that I think it might be time to close off her other room and keep her in Total Health.
But here is my accounting of obstacles that make me feel like I have no place in any part of my mother's care. She recently went into a deep dementia-like state. I discussed it with several friends who had experienced this with their elderly parents and they told me about UTI and the elderly. I googled it and found an article on the AgingCare website. I told my brother about it after I found out that my mother was being treated for a bladder infection. My brother was totally disgusted with me for even looking into it until a wife of a friend of his told him it was true. My brother also badgers me about not trying to convince my mother that her imaginations are just that. But, the thing is, I don't! I spoke to the rest home psychologist on November 20, 2014 and he told me how to handle discussions with my Mom and I have done just as he says, side-step, agree, tell her I will report concerns to the administrators. He also badgers me about the fact that I should not discuss financing of her rest home charges with my Mom, but I never have.
Just recently I sent two emails to the rest home asking them if I should be reporting unusual conversations with my Mom to them. I have received no reply.
My brother visits my Mom every two months and talks to her by phone maybe once a week. I visit my Mom once a week at least, have lunch or take her out to lunch often, talk to her on the phone two times a day.
I have been the primary family member to be in contact with my Mom, while my brother has been in charge of her finances. But now all of a sudden, I feel worthless and disregarded as a valuable participant in the care of my Mom. While I feel like throwing in the towel so much of the time, I know that I can't. But this feeling of worthlessness is driving me to the edge!
When I try to talk to my brother, he just ends up doing all of the talking, raising his voice until I feel like a child that has done something wrong. I need help! I have tried to find a local Caregivers Support Group to attend but have had no luck. I do not know just where to turn. Meanwhile my Mom is on my mind constantly! I have been her main contact person for the past 10 years at least and now I feel like I am not wanted - not by her because she has no idea of what is happening - but by my brother and even the rest home.