I feel guilty about putting my mom in a nursing home. Should I take her to my home?

My mother was in a nursing home here in Texas for 2 years, 5 months. She passed away a few days after Easter. I had to have her addmitted to hosp on Easter Sunday. She passed away the following tues. When we were in the Emergency room she was singing Easter Parade to my sister and I and 2 other emergency room patients. We had her memorial at the chapel in Nursing home and I cannot tell you how many people came up to me and told me how much Mom had touched their lives. She loved to sing and even though she would not tell me , she led sing alongs and tried to bring happiness to many of the other residents. She was on anti depressants which helped her dimentia alot but still begged to come back to live with me which tore me up. When I left the home she would go about her day visiting friends and joining in the activities. The staff were wonderful and loving to all the residents. It was a religeous based not for profit home and an excellent one. I would tell Mom to try to make some one there happy each day. Evidently she did. It's is hard to believe she is gone now but at 89, she was ready, she told me so many times. It is hard to back away and take care of yourself. The guilt factor is huge, but most times the employees know how to relate better and many times I think the resident is more willing to accept the friendship of nurse aids, and all the loving people there than their children. Visiting 2-3 times a day is too much. I visited once a week and Mom and her other volunteer visitors got used to our schedule. I would go more often if needed but letting her relate to the employees in the end, was the right thing. to do. We talked on the phone every day. She had her own phone so she could call long distance. I wish you all well, it is hard to rid ourselves of the guilt, but most of us have others who rely on us too. As women we can take a lot, I guess we are just made that way.

Very sorry for your loss. and thank you for your encouragement. I agree they seem to accept the staff better than their children. My mother likes all of her caregivers. She says they are great kids. lol. Yes the guilt is overwhelming because it is part of the grief we must go through. Grief counceling could help.

Warrior.

Thank you so much for your words of comfort and encouragement. Yes I am dealing with those emotions, frustration and anger toward my siblings for their lack of support and understanding. But like you say I am considering myself an only child focusing on Mom. If they want me back in their life they will need to give me a sincere apology and make some kind of ammends for the damage they have done with their false accusations and defamation of character.

Three years ago (she was 82) we noticed Mom's memory failing. Six months later my sister and I kept her at our homes for about 1 year until we were unable to handle it. Due to lack of sleep (she has visitors and cannot sleep) and staying inside 24/7 to take care of her. She stayed confused and was also prone to falling. We placed her in assisted living but recently had to move her into a locked skilled care. My guilt is so tremendous - she cries and asks to come home with us - breaks my heart. Mom has always spread guilt but it is different now. I feel I deserve it. She stays confused, has sundowners and still has visitors thru the night. Will I ever be able to forgive myself?

It's been a year and a half since Mom went to NH. Her assessment has dropped rapidly since being in there. I feel guilty because I wanted to keep her at home but I couldn't see the 24/7 care she needed. I wasn't able to care for her properly. She was fighting me on everything. It was taking tremendous energy to get through each day. Not a good situation for her or me. She dislikes it there immensley but she is safe and cared for by people who know what they are doing. It's sad they can't have that same care in thier own homes but it just isn't there. In there in her unit there are five staff members plus an RN. At home it was just me. She gets out a lot right now and she enjoys me sitting with her. She misses (and they all do ) the family closeness and we can feel their sadness. Mom has a sense of humour and says some funny things about being in there.and we have great laughs. Yesterday she said to me, "just look around, I'm doomed". She was referring to some of the others who are more advanced than she is.in the disease. Humour is good if you can find it.

guilty, you don't deserve the guilt and I can tell that you have absorbed it so deeply that now it is part of your identity for that to be your online name. BTW, thanks for the star for a comment that I made on this thread.

My mother would love to go home also, but she is not mobile enough nor is her home situation safe enough. Her dementia is so bad that she has thought for over a year now that she has only in the nursing home for 2 months. However, she has been there 2 1/2 years. I feel sorry for her, but I don't feel any guilt for putting her there following her hip surgery which she did not regain mobility from because she gave up and would not work with PT.

Guilt is deserved when morals and or laws are broken. You have done neither and your mother's care was definitely going beyond you. It sounds to me that you need to set some boundaries so that you can love with detachment. If your emotional life depends on how hers is doing, then you definitely need to detach and might need a therapist to help you. There is a very good book that I recommend to many on this site Emotional Blackmail When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward. I wish you well.