Mom was hospitalized in Sept 2013 for gall bladder surgery but kept there for 8 days due to erratic heart beat that had to be brought under control.
We knew that Mom was losing her memory 8 years ago and it has progressively become worse. Just prior to this hospitalization her behaviors had become erratic and she was not sleeping at night, flipping on our bedroom lights, trying to feed the sleeping dog and she had just become too difficult to handle.
In the hospital she was experiencing "sundowning" and the agitation was getting to her, so we had to ask for some type of medication to calm her down, which led to a frightening 6 days of hallucinations and just craziness and no sleep. Medications that worked for others, did not work for her. They tried Xanax, Seroquel, Haldol and many others that only made her worse.
I was told by her heart doctor that i needed to put her in a nursing home as he had his mother, where she could be cared for. He told me I could not handle her alone, that she would get worse, I would fail, be sick and hate myself.
I brought her home, took her to a Gerontologist who prescribed Remeron and Celexa which worked fine for 2 months then she developed headaches. He took her off and now wants to go to Depakote sprinkles or some other anti-psychotic drug.
While Mom has been off meds she still has her angry outbursts from time to time and asking the same question 50 times a day, and being up before 5 am, but she has A LOT of good moments as well. Now I feel guilty putting her back on any medication as I know it will dope her up, they all do. I feel so guilty that I am robbing her of her "normal/good" moments to dope her up and keep the bad moments under control so I can cope with taking care of her.
I know Mom will only get worse as time goes on and medication will be absolutely necessary but I am just feeling so guilty that for me to be able to cope with caring for her, SHE HAS TO GO ON MEDICATION. Now that I am feeling so guilt ridden, I am sitting here thinking, maybe I AM THE ONE WHO NEEDS THE MEDICATION! JUST TO COPE WITH THE CARE GIVING.
I have no help and I have two sisters who both work. I am on disability for panic attacks and gran mal seizures. One sister lives with us but stays gone about 4 hours past quitting time so she does not have to be around the situation. I also have a 22 year old daughter who is finishing college that I have to rely on a lot but she needs to get an internship so I will lose her help as well.
I feel like such a failure at this point but my panic and anxiety has kicked up as I am utterly stretched to the last degree with trying to do everything on my own. Requests for help are falling on deaf ears.
Has anyone else felt guilt over having to medicate their loved one and felt like you were stealing their last moments of clear thought? Did you ever wish you had not done it? How do I justify this so I can live with it?