Should I feel guilty going out with my Dad and my family for my birthday when my Mom can't go?

Why not pick up something at the restaurant and bring it home? Or at least bring her back a dessert to enjoy, and then everyone in your party could stay a bit and tell her about your meal if you choose to go eat out.

I hear often on this site about other grown children that will not support or help out the main caregiver. In my case medicare, blue cross & NH medicaid & the NHs are already responsible for his care so that if my sons took notice of his existence i.e. for rare visits or calls they would not actually have to do anything like care, sitting or money support. It would never be asked as if no one visited he would just be sad. In this case where these very nearby grandsons do not call or visit why? This is my question. They could visit when I am not there in the NH. They could visit when I am there if that was more comfortable. They could even join us out at an outing where there is wheelchair accessibility. But nothing. I can almost understand avoidance of responsibility when you are far away or don't want to have care of them at home when they could be scared or fall or something. But not to ever visit in a NH doesn't just hurt him it is numbing for me as it is saying "It didn't matter how much you loved me, it didn't matter how much you did that you didn't have to, I will not care about you if I don't have to. They still talk to me. I just don't get it. I have asked & asked & asked but nothing. Thank god there are some that are out there that do care.

And then people wonder why we burn out. I went away for 4 months to Florida to my parents old place & left dad in his NH out here with only my ex's weekly visits and keep telling my family that I can't care for him at this level alone for long without needing to get away again for a long rest & still I have no help or visits.

I want to say that I usually visit my dad at his home every evening at dinner & after or I take him out in the car for dinner at a drive through & we park & eat in the car & visit for a couple hours & bring him back to the facility where I have assistance in getting him in & out of the car. On Monday night I took him to Cici's Having placed an order by phone on the way. We ate a big delicious pizza with extra cheese & pepperoni while in the car. I had brought disp. plates & paper towels from home as well as drinks. We saw a beautiful sunset & drove back to his home where they helped him out of the car so no falls. Oh I brought him back to the house where I ran in & brought out a piece of cake to him I had made. On Tuesday I took him to Sonic for dinner & a corn dog & cheese tots & back to the NH. I prefer taking him out rather than a visit in the NH because of divided loyalties & Alz distractions since he is used to the NH he will just roll off to his room or to eat or just to move. In the car he is a captive audience & we can really visit & listen to the radio. I will say when the car is moving he is lulled to sleep which I wish didn't happen because he won't sleep through the night at the home & I don't want that because then comes the hypodermic needle. Or something like it. I sometimes have to wake him back up. Today Wednesday I had to spend the day on the phone with Medicare & Blue Cross & providers so I called him at the home to speak to him & skipped a visit. Tomorrow we attend a live concert/dance at the senior center. I just wish he knew that he had other relatives that cared in the area. It sure is a constant reminder that when I am dumped in a home I will never see anyone again except the staff & residents. Not a nice reminder & partly why I take him out I can't stand the reminder of the other lonely residents.

I like LastResort's idea above. I did not realize that that was how the Chinese celebrate birthdays but it does not surprise me at all. Many cultures have a much different view of the aged. My dad is now in a nursing home that has alot of chinese residents & families. There is one man there that has a very full table in the dining room every night for dinner. The one resident & at least 6 to 7 family members that have come to visit for dinner. They also bring some food to him to supplement what the home is feeding him. They are the same 6 to 8 faces every evening. There is another elder there that has a wife that never visits but could but his grown grandchildren take turns coming often. Especially the eldest grandson. A very pleasant young man of 20 something that always has a wide smile. They only put him in because he started falling at home. Don't know why the man's wife won't visit when that is who he asks for. My point is none of the chinese patients are in this home alone. They have many many family members talking loud about their care & laughing along & celebrating this journey with them. Many at once as in that very full table in the dining room. It embarasses me as an American that I am the only family member that ever cared about or called or came to see mama in her home & the only one still that visits dad. Very ashamed & embarassed. Very. I have 2 sons that are his grandsons & they are 28 & 25. They live about 20 mins from his NH. In the 3 years they have been in NH my boys do not visit. I am really ashamed of our culture when it comes to this & I don't understand it. The things my parents did over & over for my sons it is heartbreaking & way too common.

I wish I had had at least one daughter. I think you should go out on your birthday with your father & perhaps bring your mother more than a piece of cake as in a way to say thank you for having me & being here.

As to the idea of having the celebration at home so they can both be there that could be in addition to the night out maybe.

Here is the deal on caregiver guilt: it is not optional. It is there whether we earn it or not. If you go out with Dad, you'll feel guilty that Mom is at home. If you stay home with Mom, you'll feel guilty of depriving Dad of a tradition he likes. Hasn't he lost enough with his wife chronically ill.

So you can't win. Guilt is there. The best we can do is shove way back into a dark corner of our minds and get on with making the best decision that we can.

And if I were your mom, I'd feel terrible that my adult child was celebrating her birthday without me, and I'd feel terrible if my dear husband missed out on a nice treat because of me. Either way I'd cry. Debilitating diseases are sad. There is no way around that.

So you'll feel a little guilty way in the back of your brain, and Mom will feel sad. Life goes on. Do your best.

I think if you have to ask, you already do feel guilty. I personally wouldnt do it, I would have the party in where your mother is. Your Moms crying? I am housebound with my Mom and all our children have their birthday parties here because I cant get out , I feel honored. Theres no reason you cannot either get her a wheelchair and take her or have it at home with her.My Moms bedbound and when it comes summer vacation we rent a van and take her with us.

No.

I love lastresort's advice. Don't feel bad, acknowledge your mom before going out and if you go out for dinner with dad, maybe bring back a piece of cake or pie for your mom.

I would hate it if one of my kids felt bad and had to, or chose to, miss celebrating a special day because I was ailing.

I'm with Gigi11

Don't feel bad, take your Dad to lunch, bring Mom back something she likes and then spend some time with both and discuss some old time memories. You and she will feel better.

I agree that you will likely feel sad, but there's no need for guilt. If you bring back something special for your mom, that may help both of you.
Take care,
Carol

I think what lastresort wrote, about sending one's mom flowers and thank you cards on one's birthday in recognition of their love is terrific!

YES, you should go with your dad! Guilt is self-defeating. That said, of course I realize it's easier said than done, and all caregivers struggle with their own personal guilt issues. Try your best to work past it. You deserve some joy in your life, too. I simply refuse to believe that we are doomed to drown in despair in this hard task of caregiving.

It is ok to go out and enjoy your birthday. Your other relatives are taking you out so they agree with the plan. Enjoy your birthday, bring Mom home a piece of cake!

This is where some advice from my college Chinese roommate might come in handy. They celebrate their birthdays by sending flowers and thank you cards to their moms in recognition of the risks they took to have a baby and the sacrifices they made to raise them. Go on your birthday treat, but acknowledge to your mom that without her you wouldn't be here. They said that they did not personally celebrate their birthdays until after their mothers had passed on because they would be celebrating putting their mother's lives at risk to have them. I can't go that far, but I do try to specially acknowledge my mom on my birthday, seemed like a nice idea...

I agree with other answers. Another thing you might do, is even share the birthday and outing with her by bringing flowers and even a spring or birthday celebration card for her to sign on your your birthday, and tell her how grateful you are to have had two great parents who have supported you so well and brought you up healthy. Leave her the name of the restaurant, and a promise to bring her back an extra piece of cake. And if she cries, which she may well NOT do, if she is affirmed for who she is, and the tone is upbeat, still, hug her with good cheer, say you are glad you and your dad are going to celebrate, and you will also be glad to tell her about it, and celebrate with her again soon, in a way that she can handle! And also from us here: Happy Birthday!

From reading your profile, you say mom's chief ailment is depression and that you have triplets. Well, I would sure as heck go out with dad for a celebration. I'd guess Mom has her medicine and has made her choice to stay home, and gave her blessing to you. You have a lot on your plate, give yourself a birthday present of a guilt-free celebration. What are you feeling guilty about? You didn't cause her arthritis, nor depression, you do all you can to help, but now is the time to as the saying goes "put on your own oxgen mask." Caregiving in my opinion is not about smothering, rescuing and not allowing people to make their own choices, it is about helping without being codependent.

How about a compromise? Celebrate your birthday with both your parents at their home and then have an evening out with someone else another day.

What everyone else said.

don't feel guilty if this is a tradition for you and your father or a former tradition for you and your parents to go out for birthdays. However since your Mom can not go for what ever reason do something that will include her so that she does not feel left out of your celebration. If going out was a tradition for your birthday then it is still a tradition for your Mom too even though she can not go.

Narnia, your mother is crying because she is sad that she cannot go with you to celebrate your birthday, not because she resents your going out with your father and leaving her behind. She wants you to enjoy yourself, she wants him to enjoy himself - what's sad is that she can't join in.

Having cleared that up, this is what you can do if you choose. The model daughter, Little Ms Perfect as we might call her, would lay a celebratory table, light candles, order in a cake and everyone's favourite dishes, and have the party at her parents' home where they can both enjoy joining in. And don't make it too long drawn-out, or your mother will run out of steam.

But if you would prefer to go out instead, feel free. That is not the part that upsets your mother.

From your question and the implied level of involvement you probably have with your parents, you seem like a very kind and caring person. You should feel good about being so caring about both of your parents.

Your feelings and questions are telling you something that you should listen to. Just by telling you here that you should not feel guilty, those feelings will not go away.

Feeling guilty, or even just questioning it, tells you that you feel perhaps there is something more you can do for your Mom and her crying is also a message from her as well. It is good that you are sensitive to her and paying attention to more than just her words.

I did not have the same situation as you, so it's hard for me to give you suggestions from experience. I'm hopeful that others can give you ideas for ways to help to occupy your Mom and to help her feel good when you and your Dad are out.

A few new ideas (from an inexperienced person) are these:
Does she have the type of phone where you can text her and keep her informed as to what your Dad and you are doing? Can you send her photos, like on Instagram? That way she can stay engaged even though she isn't there.

Can she do some things on simple technology, like on a Kindle or play games with others, like Words with Friends on line?

Is it possible to get someone to come to her and be a companion while you are both away? Is there a family member, neighbor, community service person who can join her while you are both gone?

Are there things she can do by phone? For example there is a NYC "book club" that meets on the phone. You can get information from the NYTimes and she can read book selections along with others, then discuss them by phone.

When you are not planning an excursion out with your Dad, sit quietly with your Mom and talk with her about her interests, her hopes and thoughts. Maybe she will come up with an idea and tell you what she would enjoy doing.

Do you have something like Netflix that will stream videos and series of her choice. That would be something she could watch and discuss with you when you return home.

Listen to your feelings. My heart goes out to you and I'm sure you are very kind and caring.

Get help from others around you and be proud of yourself that you are a kind and caring person and for the rest of your life you will have beautiful memories of the good times you spent with both of your parents. Take care of yourself too.

Okay, you can feel sad, but no guilty. Guilt is a worthless emotion, unless you are doing something with malice, which does not appear to be the case here. have you looked into technology that will improve mom's mobility? Scooter, etc.? Is your mom depressed? has she been evaluated for that? On meds? Sorry if I ask rapid fire questions, but I've found that with caregiving, even long distance like I'm doing, you get so close to the problem that you can't see the forest for the trees. Post back! Happy Birthday!