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I look over the posts and never find a situation quite like ours. 8 years ago I built addition to our home for wife's mother, 80 at time and could no longer work, had no real savings. After 9 months got colon cancer, had surgery, and barely recovered. Walker ever since, slow decline. Has been falling repeatedly for years, hospitalized in last four moths three times. Cracked tibia first, then massive bruising of face, and last time cracked 4 ribs. Now in rehab but ready to return in a few weeks. Falls about 1-2 times a week, ALWAYS because she insists on doing dumb things we've told her not to.

Wife and i simply cannot do it anymore. While she has been able to do hygiene, has lately been using the depends. My wife spends 2-3 hours a day minimum, more on Dr. visit days, hair appointment days, nail days, etc. Is OBLIVIOUS to the fact that at 63, we cannot do the things we want to do and have put our retirement on hold while we sit around and care for her. Has most of her wits about her, but getting quite forgetful. Most aggravating is she does not use walker as instructed, laughs it off when told to, and then....falls. When we admonish her, always says "I'm not planning to fall anymore." Very self centered, doesn't care about anything but her problems. Fortunately my wife inherited her father's disposition and characteristics.

We have found an AL facility 2 miles from here, new, nice, and small. We've seen many and this looks as good as it can get. Best part is that when she exhausts her savings (that she had accumulated from SS since living on our dime completely) she can go on Medicaid and stay there.

We are planning to transition her from rehab to there under pretense that she is not yet able to be cared by us. When she learns that her "savings" will be spent down she'll go bonkers. We won't disclose that it's our plan she not return here.

Meanwhile, wife's brother is sticking nose in. Has not been involved and want's to make sure "we're all on same page" which creates a bit of resentment on our part. It's been our darn book, so it'll be OUR page that he can sing from as far as we're concerned.

She's my wife's mother, I was fed up about 7 years ago but have been there for her. I think she's a saint for having devoted so much time selflessly. However, it's clear that she has gotten to the end of her patience. My wife deserves to be able to travel and enjoy life; our two kids live overseas.

So I guess the whole point is, we COULD bring her back here and continue to care for her at our tremendous emotional expense. But, we choose not to. We see her condition at 88 and know what waits for us and we want to be able to enjoy our good health now, not p__s it away caring for someone who shows no appreciation for it.

Are we really bad people?

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Good for you!! Enjoy your own lives again. Thanks for the update.
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Well, just thought I'd update the OP. The deed is done and in MIL's mind we are s__t. It's as though the last 8 years never happened; when I asked what if we had not stepped in THEN she responds that things would have worked out just fine, she's sure. Uh huh. While she can be quite bitter and biting, she's also delusional. Even lamented that now she'll lose all her money, she wanted to travel to London and Africa to see her grandchildren. Right. Two years ago we actually took her to beach with us (not fun at all) for a week and she could barely stand the 4 hour drive.

Tomorrow is Mother's day and for several days refused to even have us drive her to brother in law's invite for brunch an hour away. Said she wanted HIM to come get her (4 hours of unnecessary driving for him but that's OK). Seems she is now trying to drive a wedge between her daughter (my wife) and her son. Not working. Wife thinks she may be trying to get him to take her in.

Anyway, we are done. She's making it clear that she does not care for us at all so that's fine too. Call your son next time you need something. Had she listened to us about using the walker to avoid falls, shown a semblance of some gratitude and understanding or our needs, and shown us a tad of respect, she'd likely still be here.
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I agree with everyone else - no reason to sacrifice your happiness and chance for a good life after doing so much for your MIL for eight years. Your BIL is just worried about the $$$$ and whether he'll have an inheritance. Phooey on him! Get her into the AL facility and don't look back as you go visit your own children overseas!
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I agree, you have been saints for having her live with you for all of those years! Why are our mothers so inconsiderate and unappreciative. So much of what you wrote mirrors our own story here, right down to her going bonkers spending down her savings. I've said that is what a nest egg is for, and she replies with, "You don't understand, you're not in my shoes."
Try your hardest to get her into AL. You deserve a life, too.
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Thanks for confirmations. I know we have done more than necessary, but it's just nice to have it reinforced. Onward we go!
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You are doing precisely the right thing. Same page my axxx. He hasn't been on the same page for years and I would not tell him a peep about how the financials work. He will only go back to Ma and stir up trouble. If he wants in, tell him he buys in for $1000 a month or 50% of her bills, whichever is more.
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Sounds like you have a good plan and that you have both done your parts to help your MIL. Gosh, it sounds so familiar. But I've been supporting and now taking care of my Mom for 40 years. Hubby has hung in there with me all the way.

It sounds like you have a great opportunity to get some relief and it'll give your wife a chance to become the daughter instead of the caregiver. My Mom has
always been dismissive of my thoughts and feelings. I'm 60 and I'm just now getting a clue.

The AL facility sounds nice. Don't feel guilty. I fail to understand why the elderly are entitled to "like" or "dislike" where they live. Heck, probably half of the caregivers on this board would "like" to live somewhere else but can't.
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You are wonderful to have done so much! Your wife really, really cannot care for her mother, who is clearly irrational or mentaly ill (won't use walker?) ? She'll get far better care in AL .
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You are saints! You did 8 years and now have found a wonderful place for your mother-in-law where she can stay, even when she qualifies for Medicaid. Time for you and your wife to take care of each and enjoy your retirement. Glad you are not intimidated by the brother-in-law. Good luck to you in your wife.
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