I look over the posts and never find a situation quite like ours. 8 years ago I built addition to our home for wife's mother, 80 at time and could no longer work, had no real savings. After 9 months got colon cancer, had surgery, and barely recovered. Walker ever since, slow decline. Has been falling repeatedly for years, hospitalized in last four moths three times. Cracked tibia first, then massive bruising of face, and last time cracked 4 ribs. Now in rehab but ready to return in a few weeks. Falls about 1-2 times a week, ALWAYS because she insists on doing dumb things we've told her not to.
Wife and i simply cannot do it anymore. While she has been able to do hygiene, has lately been using the depends. My wife spends 2-3 hours a day minimum, more on Dr. visit days, hair appointment days, nail days, etc. Is OBLIVIOUS to the fact that at 63, we cannot do the things we want to do and have put our retirement on hold while we sit around and care for her. Has most of her wits about her, but getting quite forgetful. Most aggravating is she does not use walker as instructed, laughs it off when told to, and then....falls. When we admonish her, always says "I'm not planning to fall anymore." Very self centered, doesn't care about anything but her problems. Fortunately my wife inherited her father's disposition and characteristics.
We have found an AL facility 2 miles from here, new, nice, and small. We've seen many and this looks as good as it can get. Best part is that when she exhausts her savings (that she had accumulated from SS since living on our dime completely) she can go on Medicaid and stay there.
We are planning to transition her from rehab to there under pretense that she is not yet able to be cared by us. When she learns that her "savings" will be spent down she'll go bonkers. We won't disclose that it's our plan she not return here.
Meanwhile, wife's brother is sticking nose in. Has not been involved and want's to make sure "we're all on same page" which creates a bit of resentment on our part. It's been our darn book, so it'll be OUR page that he can sing from as far as we're concerned.
She's my wife's mother, I was fed up about 7 years ago but have been there for her. I think she's a saint for having devoted so much time selflessly. However, it's clear that she has gotten to the end of her patience. My wife deserves to be able to travel and enjoy life; our two kids live overseas.
So I guess the whole point is, we COULD bring her back here and continue to care for her at our tremendous emotional expense. But, we choose not to. We see her condition at 88 and know what waits for us and we want to be able to enjoy our good health now, not p__s it away caring for someone who shows no appreciation for it.
Are we really bad people?