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I am currently paying for mom's memory care and we will be in a nursing home situation and on Medicaid soon as we have very limited resources. My Mom is extremely unhappy in memory care and a high functioning person in her facility. She was also diagnosed with psychosis and depression in addition to AD.She has no idea she will be out of money soon and in a nursing home. The guilt that I live with and the lies I tell her about her situation make me feel so bad , I don't want the responsibility any longer. People always say "you are doing the best you can for her." but I feel so uncomfortable with the situation I am in I feel like a terrible daughter. I have no POA or guardianship but am spending the funds from a savings acct that both our names are on. Any advice would be appreciated. I think all hell will break loose when/if she discovers I have spend her life savings on care she doesn't think she needs. Thanks for reading this .

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You should not feel guilty, your moms money should be used for her care,not yours.
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I so agree with Jeanne that you are doing the best you can to provide for your mom with the funds she has available. You feel that your mom does not agree that she needs to be in this memory care unit, however she is there. How did that happen? Did her doctor arrange it. I'm just curious because you do not have POA, so my thought is her illness if obvious to her doctor for her to be in this facility.

In Washington state, there is only one form that the person applying for Medicaid has to sign and that needs to be witnessed. It can be signed with an X. Everything else I filled out and signed for him. I was his POA, but the signature space also allowed for helper or representative.

I haven't checked your profile so I don't know what state you live in. My suggestion would be to talk to the social worker at your mom's memory care unit and see if she can help you understand the paperwork for Medicaid. If they do not accept Medicaid and therefore do not get involved in that process, then start looking at the nursing homes you would consider for your mom and talk to those social workers. You can also call your local department of Social Services and get the paper work from them.

Start now to educate yourself. Hopefully you will not have to have a discussion with your mom about dwindling funds.

My heart goes out to you. You are doing everything right, even if it doesn't feel that way. Trust your head, even if your heart is sad. How could your heart feel otherwise? Get the information you need. Stay in touch. Love, Cattails
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You are doing the best you can for her.

Would your mother give you POA now? Is she competent to understand the concept of appointing someone else to act on her behalf?

It is generally accepted practice in most quarters to "lie" to dementia patients, or to tell them a version of the truth that will be comfortable to them.

You feel like a terrible daughter. What would a wonder daughter have done?

What would fix this situation is for mother to be cured of dementia and psychosis and depression. Terrible or wonderful, no daughter can control that. What would help is to have unlimited funds so that paying for care is just a drop in the bucket and barely noticable. Terrible or wonderful, no daughter can arrange that.

You are not only doing the best you can, you are doing the only thing you can -- spending Mother's money on Mother's care.

This is a very sad situation, but it is Not Your Fault.

I suggest discussing with her doctor and/or the memory care unit's director of nursing how best to inform your mother of the financial facts. They won't have the One True Answer, but they may have some insight that would be useful. My inclination would be to not reveal this particular truth at all, but I suppose she will need to be involved in the Medicaid application, at least to sign things.

Remember, This is Not Your Fault. You are doing the best you can. You mother needs someone to act on her behalf.
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