Fed up with sisters who don’t help and my mom resisting the help brought in after months of coordinating with doctor. Any advice?

Sorry for your lisey family. Hopefully you have POA for her. Find a facility you like and move her into it. Assisted Facility to Memory Care is the best, if she can afford it. You obviously can't, as I couldn't w my Dad, take on her care. We are not trained. Money is the key tho. Dad is safe + now likes where he is( when he is aware that is). Prayers 🙏🏼

Imho, follow through with the Assisted Living. Do not lose any sleep over your siblings. If they never cared to lend help before, don't expect them to now.

I think you are doing way too much & over extending yourself and being taken advantage. Stop what you are doing and get her to an assisted living place as soon as possible. Shes impossible and quite frankly not aware of a darn thing actually and your sisters cant cope...for your health & sanity please think of yourself first. She should be grateful for having such a considerate daughter & your sisters should thank you ! Dont be mad...your mom doesnt know what shes doing.

"Then I discussed AL. She is actually open to it. Admitted siblings are if no help but she’s their mom and still loves them. I said I wouldn’t expect anything less as I’m a mom myself but it’s not fair to me. So we are off to good start."

Well, that was good news! Hopefully she won't change her mind, but you've already had the "talk", so just repeat it if you need to!

Also good to acknowledge her care for the others, even if they don't help or don't call or visit, etc. I would not really discuss them with her, at least not what they do and don't do.

"Siblings keep criticizing me. However they offer no other suggestions."

If they aren't part of the solution, they are part of the problem. Clearly they are NOT part of the solution. I wouldn't take calls from them. If they email or text, don't bother responding. Archive their nasty messages, just in case you ever have to take further steps to stop them. They have their opinions and criticisms, just ignore. You can't change them. If the calls continue, block their numbers. If that leads to nastier emails or texts, you can block those as well.

Once she is safely in the AL, you can be her daughter again ( with a few duties on the side) and visit. You won't be doing all that other stuff so you will have time to visit (and some time for yourself, the kids, hubby.) If mom balks about the AL, use this as another incentive - she missed seeing you, but if she's in AL, you won't be running around doing errands, you can come and have NICE visits together!

Hoping it all works out!

Yes. I completely understand. My own sister would get upset and jealous that I was helping my Mom so much yet she herself could not help living so far away. Basically I had to just deal with my sister on her level be cordial but not give much detail about what was going on. On my own .. I sought support from caregiving sites and hired an aide if my Mom needed help while I was away. She did not like other aides besides myself either. So I tried to help her as much as I could while keeping my own sanity and spirituality in the process. Thankfully she passed peacefully. Now I am helping my Dad who is 94. Similar situation

This is so sad and something so common - it all gets pushed onto one person by others in the family. If you absolutely cannot get help but are able to get a caretaker - then for the moment, that is what you have to do. As far as her treatment of the people, I would discuss this with them up front before they come to the house. Make them aware of what she does and see if they are capable of handling her - standing firm up against her. In the meantime you must seek a place to put her as quickly as possible before your life and family are destroyed. This is just too much for one person. I'll pray for you. And one more thing, you tell your mother her behavior is going to stop at once as it will not be tolerated any longer - and if need be, STAY AWAY AND DON'T GO NEAR HER. Please take care of yourself.

you have just described my life with my mother. I was able to get her into Glenner Center, an amazing place working with persons diagnosed with dementia/alzheimers. She is on medicaid which pays for it. She also has a morning and evening caregiver who she is consistently rude to and refuses services almost every day. I deal with issues many times a day and am constantly texting, phoning, and receiving calls during my work hours. It is a constant and stressful struggle.

It is very unlikely that she will like it but I would find an assisted living place that she can afford and make arrangements for her to live there. She will be better off and you won't be working yourself to death.

You are looking at and treating your mother as if she was the same person that she was before she began to decline mentally and physically. Instead of trying to punish her into appreciating you more, you need to sit down with your sisters and talk about responsibilities and issues about your mother. If your sisters will not do it then get your mother’s POAs in order and take charge.

The good news is that you already have POA and the necessary documentation you will need. A priority would be finding an assisted living facility immediately, then do whatever you have to do to get her there. Then as you have time and energy you will need to sell her house and clear out her possessions as she will need the money from this to continue living there. When the money runs out she goes on Medicaid. Do not expect that other people will help with any of this, if they were going to they would have already. Do what you can do and what is possible for you and your situation, that’s all you can do and you need not feel guilty about it. Hugs!

I am assuming she is cognitive and aware - no dementia issues. You get the doctor to order the aides again and you tell them that mom is mad and may not talk. Or she may be rude to them - to please come to the house wearing their rhino skin. They can do their chores without talking to her. They can prepare a meal and put it next to her. If you do a planner of sorts and get groceries delivered at the time of day they are there, they can put them away and prepare meals that you indicate she likes. If she refuses to bathe, they should call you so you know how many times she refused. If they find she is not eating, they notify you. Any further decline while alone, they let you know so she can be moved.

Have a talk with your mom ahead of time. She accepts the help that YOU need to care for her or she has to go live in a nursing home. The doctor is aware of her conditions or he would not have ordered the help. If she refuses, the doctor is going to say she cannot live alone and there will be no choice. Right now, she has a choice. As for assisted living, if she is on Medicaid/SSI, she's probably not going to get an assisted living arrangement - it will be nursing home. AL is very expensive and those who have money to self pay go there until money runs out and then end up in a Medicaid state paid bed at a nursing home.

Forget that you have siblings. They aren't going to help or they would have already. They are waiting for you to cave and put her in a facility because that's what they would have already done if you weren't involved. Forget them. Your mom is also waiting on you to cave and return to remedy the problems she is creating to get you there - house cleaning, preparing meals, all the things you do when you show up. When she shows her rear end long enough, it appears it works for her in the past. Time for a heart to heart, here are the new rules, chat.

When approaching your mom about her 'choice', refer to the aides as help for YOU not her. You can handle most of her needs but need help because you have a family and FT employment. YOU need the help. Give her the choices and let her decide. She may just need a 'come to Jesus' reality check and be the person to make a decision about how she's going to live.

If there is a dementia issue, forget trying to reason with her. You send the aides, as previously mentioned. As the dementia becomes worse, she will have to be placed in facility to avoid dangers of being alone - falls, not eating, wandering, etc.

Lay down the law.

Life is made of choices and the reaping the consequences of them. Joseph a son of Jehovah

As far as being rude with the aides merely inform her she has a choice: being respectful to those who come to help her or go fight with the staff in a seniors home. There is no negotiating.

Concerning your sisters merely inform them that if they refuse to help you will have a contract made up and be paid for your services. That is what I did. The family hates it but after me doing everything for six years and getting crapped on for gratitude I put stop to it. Mom is much more respectful to me and appreciative.

Never mind about the useless sisters. Arrange for aides until AL is available. Use a reputable agency or private references to find help that understands they may be working with a difficult and unco-operative client. Your mother is not likely to be their first difficult client.

Do the things you are able to do. Aides should be handling meals, medications etc. Don't let your mother's bad behavior manipulate you into trying to do it all. Your mother doesn't have to like needing help and she doesn't have to party with her aides. She needs to be kept safe and clean. If she comes around to being willing to engage more with her aides, great. If not--her choice.
Do not continue to compare yourself to your unhelpful sisters. Disregard your mother's sticking up for them if that 's what she is doing. Arguing back to defend yourself will only fuel your mother's and sistets' cricisms. Know what you will do; do it; that's it.

Moe, so glad for the update and the good news that mom is open to AL.

When she balks down the road or when siblings complain; "the current solution is not working for ME, therefore it can't continue. Feel free to come up with your own plan for mom, but don't expect any more enabling of a bad situation from me".

Write it down. Practice it.

I agree with Tarana and just have a few more suggestions.
I have Been there!
There are many other things that could be going on even urinary track infection could put mom off balance. Dr, definitely needs to reevaluate, Mom's condition. Try not to be angry at Mom as she is scared & hurting.
Your sisters, don't even bother, my brother was somewhat like that. Turned out he couldn't handle it. You can try getting respite from ALF, even b4 making the full jump.
Check out government agencies such as Elder Options, just Google it in your state as it might be under different name. They had a caregiver class most helpful called 'The Savvy Caregiver' & other resources.
Do get a living will and a will and POA. One of the most important paperwork I hope you have is if needed a DNR- do not resesitate. That's definitely unpleasant to think about but this way whatever you decide no one can take that away if in writing. Your Drs can get that for you. I know you do the paperwork just as a reminder do there will be no arguments and mom will get her wishes respectfully done.
Angela

I understand the stress put on one sibling for a parent when the other kids drop it all on you. I lived in another state where I loved my life and home. My brothers,all retired, asked if I could move closer to share the care of my mom.I sold my house and my life to help. Little did I know is what they meant was for me to take on all responsibility of her care. I take care of groceries, bills ,Dr visits and all financial issues.For the last 4 years I have been dealing with her all by myself with no visits from her sons who all live within a 10 mile radiance.. The stress has gotten so bad sometimes that I have just exploded and left her in her melt downs. I also found out that as long as I was there it fed her anxiety attacks.I guess it was the fact that someone was there to listen.She is now going into the later stages of dementia so I am having to put her in a care facility. I worry that when it is all said and done and she has past away I will never have anything to do with my brothers again. So sad. But unfortunately leaving it to one person to deal with the parent is the norm. Everyone I have talked to in this situation says the same thing. Maybe it's just that they don't want the memory of how the mother has changed from before.I sometime wonder if I were in their spot and one of them was taking care of mom would I have fallen into the same action as they are. I wouldn't think so but who knows. Watching ones love one going down isn't pleasant.
Making the decision of putting her in a home is the hardest decision you will make but also the most freeing. The stress level dropped instantly.With her every day saying she wished she was dead and the playing on my emotions so I will do what she wants I realized it was time for professionals to take over. The place she is going is wonderful and I can visit all I want without the stress of wondering if she is out and about,not knowing who she is, walking the neighborhood . I hope this has helped some but if nothing else you know you are not alone

I am in the same boat as you. I think step away and live with the guilt. You have to FEEL that guilt and realise it will not KILL you but burning out might! I have found that having boundaries and sticking to them however guilt inducing actually makes me feel stronger than being unassertive x

Hello Moe
You asked for advice and help. Big step.
Good for you to recognize anger, frustration and your own limits.
Mom can definitely benefit from boundaries on her behavior.
put it on writing if you need to do so- poster or “contract”. Letting her be “ in charge” of her behavior may help. It may also have firm “ proof” that placement is required. Your sisters will probably need this proof- you don’t but you may want it.
My situation is similar. We have to do rotating days of staying. She cannot be alone. Too unsafe. Unable to go to ALF or NH ( long story).
since you are unable ( it’s ok to give yourself permission to say no) placement is the safest choice.
Prayers and hugs! Stay strong. You are her advocate- regardless of family dynamics- you actually hold the cards here.

Seems you are realizing that the "help" is you and your mom won't allow anybody else to help. Also, you realize that your sisters won't help. May I make a few suggestions.

1 - You feel angry because you are stressed. You are trying to do several full time jobs at once: care for your mother, care for your family, work full time, and care for 2 households. Nobody has enough time in the day to do all of this -- and yet you are trying to do just that. Reaching out to this forum indicates that you realize that something must change.

2 - You need to prioritize what is important and put the effort into the most important things. You need to work full time to provide money for your own retirement - so those hours for work can not be cut short. You are raising 2 teenagers (no spouse?) and they will be a priority until they are on their own (less than 10 years). They are your next priority, unless you have a spouse and then that person is your next highest priority followed by the children. Your mom and her needs come after the people living in your household. Household tasks must be completed but they can be shared with the children and/or hired help can complete them (use those home health aides).

3 - Your mom appears to have problems that require her to have more help than you can provide. Either she needs to have home health come in and allow them to do their jobs or she needs to move to residential care facility. Don't allow your mother's desire for family to care for her to lead you to anger or sadness in your frustration; it just isn't going to be a reality.

4 - Your mom's problems with her home health care aides may be a sign of anxiety. She is afraid or just not understanding that these folks are there to help her. She doesn't know them and that creates fear. One way of dealing with this is to put your mom on a schedule that the aides follow. Another option is to talk to her doctor about her anger, frustration and acting out and to ask for anti-anxiety medications. If these do not work, placement into assisted living or full care residence may be your only option. Realize that she will probably act out in any new living arrangement until she becomes used to the routine and people.

5 - Since your mom has had strokes and is older, please ask her doctor to evaluate her for dementia. I would also suggest that she needs evaluation for mental health issues, Dementia is present in 75% of seniors age 75 years and older. Depression is very common in seniors as well. Do not be surprised in her doctor makes referrals to a neurologist and a geriatric psychiatrist to make the evaluations and to treat the problems. Treating these chronic health problems will help with you with your mom's mood and actions towards others.

I think you had best write off your sisters like a bad debt. They are not going to help and hassling with them is just hard on you. Some people are, to put it bluntly, just dead weight. You are wise to look at assisted living. As long as you prop her up, she will have no motivation to consider any other living arrangement. Sometimes all you can do is let the bad times roll, notify APS about a vulnerable adult and wait for it all to crash. Then placement.

It sounds like you are doing all that you can do. If your mother is to remain in her home, her aides need to be instructed how to work with her. There needs to be check lists in which they report what has been done. These need to remain with you and not with the service that they might be hired through. Most of these activities appear to be items that they can do without having to have direct interaction with her. The bathing one is a difficult one. Maybe they can set it up for her and give her some privacy after she has been safely in, but remain close by. Check in and see if your town has a meals on wheels that will bring food for her. If she is willing to eat it, it would save you the time. After all this you do need to leave some time. A call in the morning and the evening to let her know she has a daughter. There isn't much you can do with sisters who do not want to help.

I feel ya.

My sis & hub told me 'family' should all help. But when I clarified who 'family' was: well.. they were too far away, others too old, some worked, so that left ME. To me it appeared they were happy to present an image of a loving family pulling together, but in reality, left all the pulling to me.

I could have carried on for longer with actual family help. But without, I had to reassess. Non-family alternatives were suggested & I stepped back.

Same deal as Barb said: accept the in-home (non-you) help or move to AL. I'm OK with either way they decide, as that's their decision for their life.

Moe, I don't know if any of us have said this explicitly, but don't expect your mother to "come to a realization". You have to say "Mom, I can't keep doing this. Either you let the aides do their job or you will need to move to AL. Those are your choices".

Hickjacking YOUR life is not on offer and that needs to be explicitly pointed out to her.

You know, as I read through these responses, it stirs a lot of emotions and curiosity for me.

Especially Barb’s comments on strokes and dementia. I wonder how often both of these conditions go undetected.

My dad had his stroke in the ICU shortly after his heart surgery. So, it wasn’t missed.

Mom saw a neurologist on a regular basis due to her Parkinson’s disease.

Mom’s neurologist was thorough in his testing.

What if a person doesn’t regularly see a neurologist?

Family members are concerned but may not understand why there are changes in their parent’s behavior. Or worse, they jump to the wrong conclusions.

I have seen public service announcements on strokes which is good.

I haven’t seen as much widespread information on dementia which is sad. I have seen ads regarding dementia associated with Parkinson’s disease. Those are for drugs. It’s not a public service announcement.

We don’t have all of the answers regarding dementia/Alzheimer’s disease and sadly it remains a mystery for many of us.

As far as addiction goes, drugs or alcohol, the same applies. People years ago didn’t have the choices they do today.

Addiction wasn’t discussed. It was a hush hush situation. I had no one to talk to about my brother’s addiction. It was all terribly confusing for me. I definitely don’t think my parents understood it. Mom enabled him. Daddy wanted to send him to military school!

It is much easier for families to speak about it now. There shouldn’t be any shame associated with addiction. It’s a disease.

We all need to be willing to be educated on important issues.

The only person that I was close to with ALZ was my godmother.

It’s difficult to understand dementia. Everyone says it effects everyone differently. Support groups are helpful.

I do feel that we are responsible for learning as much as we can about our own health issues and the family members that we care for.

At times it can feel like information overload but it’s always better than being in the dark.

Moe, in time you will sort this out. You will then be able to advise others in regard to your experiences.

76, I am 72 and just can't imagine being in this situation. But I will tell you, I would go into an AL. Everything will be done for her there. Laundry, meals, entertainment, activities and socialization. All you do is visit and make sure she has her personal stuff.

You may want to try this. Sit her down and look her in the eye and tell her "Mom I have tried everything to make your life easier for you and you just continue to sabotage it. I seem to be the only one that is willing to help you. I am sorry but I can't do it all myself. I have a family, a home and a fulltime job. I just don't have enough hours in the day to handle two households. So the option I see here is Assisted Living. This means that you will have an apt to yourself. Meals prepared for you. Laundry and cleaning. People to socialize with and activities. Now don't make up your mind now. Here are some pamphlets of local places. Go thru them and see which ones may interest you. We can go look at them together."

You need to get her to assign you POA. Its a great tool. If she refuses you may want to say that if she is in the hospital again and can't be safely discharged, then the State may need to take over her care. If that happens she has no say in her own life. Make sure she understands that living with you is not an option.

Just curious, was your Mom always hard to get along with? One sister has literally walked away and you get no help from the other/s. It sounds like to me Mom is the problem, not the sisters. I have two brothers. One 8 hrs away, one 30 min. Even before Moms Dementia, neither of them called regularly. Visited very often and she was a good Mom. It upset my Dad. Birthdays and Mothers Days were missed. Christmas presents from brother 8 hrs away didn't get here until his visit at Easter. Then it wasn't something she needed or would wear. I suggested money so she could go shopping to get what she wanted. No SIL wanted to do a present. Found some of these presents, cleaning out, in a bottom drawer never worn. Yes I was angry but I had to let it go. I believe what goes around comes around. No, I was not a perfect Caregiver. I ended up placing Mom. But I was there. I had always been there for both my parents.

Moe,

I understand how addiction destroys family dynamics. It was in my family too.

Addicts are not rational people. In my brother’s case, he refused help.

We cannot help anyone who refuses our attempts to make arrangements for them to improve their lives. He repeatedly refused rehab.

I was the responsible one in my family and I often got trashed by certain family members.

Personally, I feel a lot of it is resentment and jealousy on their part.

Once my now deceased brother made a comment to my cousin that if he had a one fourth of the money I had that he would be better off.

My cousin didn’t hesitate to tell him that I worked hard for my money, didn’t spend money on drugs like he did, plus he would also have to pay all of his bills with the money, like I pay my bills.

As you can see, my cousin had my back. She saw right through his crap.

If you haven't gotten any help from your siblings during all this, then they are not going to lift a finger to do anything. Just write that off and forget about it. They will however be the first ones in line to get what they believe is their "fair share" of your mom's estate at some point though.
Your mom and you would probably benefit from a live-in caregiver if it's possible for that to be an option. As for now, mom is refusing to cooperate with the help provided her and still feels entitled to treating you so lowly. You're doing the right thing staying away. Sometimes our beloved seniors need a little tough love. It's been over a week, maybe give her a call at this point to talk. Then explain to her on no uncertain terms that until she learns to keep her behavior in check with you and cooperate with the aide help being provided, that you will continue to not do a thing for her. Then stick to it. Let her calls go to voice mail and only call her back if you think it's important. Don't cook anymore meals or run them over. Don't do her laundry. Don't keep her records or pay her bills. I'm telling you her disregard for you and the "stubbornness" so many of our seniors have improves when they get a taste of life when their whipping post stops doing for them. Good luck to you and stay strong. Mom will wise up soon enough.

Moe,

I feel your pain. Caregiving is an ongoing challenge. Isn’t it? There is no ‘one size fits all’ solution either.

My caregiver days are over now but I also had difficulty with my mom and siblings.

It’s exhausting to be a caregiver without any help.

You’ve received great advice from all other posters here.

All I want to say is that unfortunately, I wasn’t fully prepared to be a caregiver. Who is? No one, so like most of us, I made my share of mistakes along the way.

I felt as if everything was my responsibility and if I didn’t do it all correctly, it was my fault. Can you tell that I have a mom who is a perfectionist? I felt as if I was constantly walking on eggshells.

We become blinded when we are smack dab in the middle of the situation.

Others tried to tell me that I was taking on more than I could handle but I didn’t listen. It took me a while to process.

The inevitable will happen if we keep going through the motions, without ever considering our own well-being. Let alone the well-being of our husband and children.

We will burn out, which is of no use to anyone.

I am extremely grateful to this forum and of course to my therapist for helping me to see the facts from an objective viewpoint.

We need to stop beating ourselves or others up for getting lost along the way.

Once we take a step back and start focusing on finding a clear path to better serving our needs, we will begin to see improvement.

Nothing happens overnight but I promise you that eventually everything will fall into place.

You have done your part. You will be a wonderful advocate for your mom when she is placed in a facility.

I wish you much joy and peace now and in your future. You deserve it.

Moe, my mother was a lively, intelligent active 88 year old...and then she wasn't. She turned into an anxiety ridden compulsive worrier. Weather reports from far away caused her to panic. I could go on, but I hope you get the idea.

When we could no longer respond to these "emergencies" we moved her into Independent Living. Geriatrics doc saw her and referred her to a geriatric psychiatrist. Who in turn insisted on a full cognitive workup.

(My brother was insisting mom was willfully having a "pity party".)

MRI showed that mom had had an undiagnosednstroke. Neuropsych testing showed that mom now had the reasoning abilities of a 6 year old (that woukd be enough to make me anxious!)

It all made sense once we saw how much of an imlact her "mild" cognitive decline was having on her ability to manage at home.

Good meds (antidepressant and antianxity meds) made it easier for mom to be flexible and not get so "stuck" in loops of sadness and panic.

The person closest to one is always the one who gets the complaints. I suspect you know that. We are nice as pie to strangers, but parents, partner and kids get the "real us".
As to the sister's choices? I think they made the right choice. Your own choice has left you overwrought, overwhelmed and angry.
It sounds to me as though your Mom needs placement at this point. She isn't able to make her own decisions, she isn't able to function.
Beatty here on Forum often tells folks "There will be no solutions as long as you are all the solutions".
I would tell my Mom that I can no longer continue on in care of her, and that she will need placement now if she cannot function with help of her aids. That is a sad thing. Expect tears, rage, and the full range of emotions; it is hurtful that at the end of life we must lose everything from our dignity to our rights to our own decisions. Not everything can be fixed. This is reality. Let go of the anger at the sisters. Their lives are their own and you won't be changing them, especially if there is drinking. You may want to attend al-anon (when you have a bit of time) to learn how to handle alcoholism in the family.
I sure do wish you the best, and am so very sorry for all the frustration.