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About 2 months ago my husband of 42 years decided that his mother who is nearly 90 move in with us since he was afraid of her living alone. Although I am trying my best to cope she has been so miserable and nasty and mean ... she loves to gossip about me - tell lies about me behind my back to anyone who will listen ... I do virtually everything for her and she treats me worse than a slave .... I have complained to my husband but he is turning a deaf ear to me saying "what do you suggest I do with her?" I told him that we should be looking in to assisted senior living for her as she is almost completely deaf - she hardly eats anything and when she does she does nothing but complain without end about the food, the temperature, the repetition of the menu, etc .... I am myself not a well person with a heart condition, diabetes and MS. I am at my wits end ... he won't consider a senior facility thinking that putting her in that "nursing home environment" will certainly kill her ... what about me ?? Don't I count for anything ??

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Dear Fedup,
Maybe you are a victim of "all or nothing thinking".
Mil cannot live alone:
1) That does not mean she requires 24/7 care or supervision, so give her a big goodbye kiss too (red lipstick) as your hubs leaves "honey, can you drop me off at the hairdresser?"
Mil came to live at your home:
2) That does not mean she was destitute, and may have an income. A Carte Blanc to spend her money on her. Mom, here is a new lift chair, and a matching one for your son.
Mil does not like the food you prepare:
3) Use her ATM card to order food delivered, expensive, to her liking, and for the whole family.
Mil and you could become shopping buddies. Either online, or at a store:
4) She is expected to pay now, cause with all that good good expensive food she likes, your grocery bill just skyrocketed!
Mil complains and gossips about you:
5) After the incident where you accidentally put your new red undies in the wash (with her clothes), you have become actually incompetent to be allowed to do her laundry, so she pays for her laundry to be picked up and delivered by the cleaners.
"Mom, I know you like your sheets ironed, so I sent them out too".
As for the kiss:
6) Refer to number 1.
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Reply to Sendhelp
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Can you plan a trip to visit a friend and be gone for a few days? Maybe leave him alone with her for an entire weekend. We did this to my father. He had to spend two days alone with his mother and was shocked at how she treated him. When did she get like this? He had no idea since he was using my mother and I as buffers for years.

Start making plans to be out of the house all day. Let him figure out what to do with her. If you do have to be home with her, stop 'jumping' the minute she wants something. Make her wait. Make her KNOW you are making her wait.
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Pam,
IMO, you didn't say anything to get deleted about.
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pamzimmrrt Jul 26, 2018
Thank you!!
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So fed up,, next morning when he gets ready to leave, and gives her the kiss.. you just walk up an plant a big one on him.. maybe "grind" alittle ( TMI I know) and then you may just spark his interest.. but you sure will get her attention as to who is the wife in the house! And if he gets the message he may be more likely to listen to you,, if you know what I mean. I'm not normaly in favor of playing the sex card.. but you may get his attention in a way men understand! And if he is interested in getting back to you,, he may cut off her gossip and whining. I know,, this post will probably get deleted.. LOL
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thank you all so much for your answers .... I have told him that we are all going to have to make a decision - and fast !! I refuse to live in this dysfunction for long ... a while back he didn't exactly ask me about her coming to live with us - he more or less said that he is very worried and concerned about her and her living alone at age 89 ... he said that we will move and get a larger place and this way she will be happy and not alone anymore ... in all honesty I did think - maybe for a just a minute - that possibly this could work out ... I loved the idea of going to a new larger place and I kept telling myself that all would be okay ... he still has a full-time job so he is here maybe 2 hours a day- he comes home at night before she goes to bed ... when she knows he's home she goes in to the living room and sits with him gossiping and bitching and moaning and groaning about me .... now when I know he is coming home I go in to the bedroom and shut the door .... I turn up my TV nice and loud and try to tune out all of the crap going on in the other room .... I am starting to learn to take care of me - but it is still very frustrating to know that she is the way she is and probably at her age will NEVER change .... every morning when he leaves for work he kisses her on the cheek and hugs her "goodbye" and tells her to have a great day .... and me ?? he just waves from the front door and says "bye" .... I see the look on her face and she is beaming from ear to ear knowing that he loves her and kisses her goodbye and just waves to me .... it's unreal.
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Reply to fedupwithmil
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Hire some part-time help and let them deal with her. When they are not there, hubby can care for her. If she needs more assistance than that, either you leave, or she leaves. Take care of yourself.
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Have you asked him what you just asked us? He won’t listen to you while you continue to tote and fetch (and everything else) for his mother. So refuse and stop. Let him do it while you read or give yourself a pedicure.

HE decided she would move in? Were you bound and gagged and locked in a closet when she stepped over your threshold ? Somewhere along the line you must have given him some hint you’d “give it a try”.

Wanting to be a good member in standing of The “I Kiss My Mother And Father’s Behind” Club, my husband told me once that his mentally challenged sister would be coming to live with us because his parents said she would. She was spoiled, coddled,demanding and could do nothing for herself. We’d only been married for about 15 years at that time (we also have been married for 44 years) but I put up a fight the likes of which had never been seen before or since. Little Sis went to live with her sister.

If youre unhappy, do something about it! Refuse to cook. Tell him it’s his turn! If he doesn’t, take a couple dollars and get Mickey D’s for just yourself. Leave some Assisted Living brochures lying around. When she starts her engines, tell her you’ve had enough of it and go to another room. Slamming doors can help but my grandma used to do that and my grandpa took the door off the hinges. Let Deaf Ear know exactly how you feel. Like I said, as long as you let these two use you, they will be more than happy to.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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Your hubs did not ask if you were in favor of her moving in? And dumps this all on you? It would appear you do not count,, at least in his mind. you cook,, she eats or does not.. tune her out. As my Grandmother used to say.."there is always butter bread". And perhaps look into getting away for a bit yourself so he can see what you go through. You have been married for 42 years.. do you have any children you could visit for a week?
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