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I’ve been taking care of my mother who Dementia for 6 years. The house we live in is falling apart. The furniture is thread bare and over 30 yrs old, the carpet is stained, the wallpaper is peeling off, the kitchen linoleum is stained and falling apart, the porch needs repair; the yard needs to be completely reseeded, etc.
However, my mother does not see any of this. Every time I approach her about repairing and updating anything, she goes into a rant “This is my house, don’t touch anything, this is my house” over and over and over again.
I actually purchased the house from my parents with both of their full knowledge 7 years ago before my Dad died.
If this isn’t bad enough, when I got home from work, my laptop and printer were destroyed, my sewing machine was pushed down the steps outside, my quilting pieces were in the outside garbage, and the small sewing room (in the laundry room) I had set up was decimated.
My brother, who was watching her, was outside fixing his truck most of the day and didn’t notice because he ignores her attitude by turning off his hearing aids.
I can’t live like this anymore. The longer I wait to fix things the worse it gets. Any Suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

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IMPearl, I hear you. I have been in the same situation for almost 7 years now, except that it is her house. Well... I better correct that. It is my house when she wants me to do something and it is her house when I want to. :) We can act all blustery like we're going to do something, but we have to consider if it is worth what we're going to go through for the next few days (months/years).

My parents neglected their house for 50 years, other than painting the outside. It was in a poor state of repair when I got here from termites and water. My mother is all that's left now and she has the attitude that as long as the house holds out until she dies, she is okay. I have to approach her in a roundabout way to get some repairs done. I tell her if we don't get some damage fixed, then water is going to keep working on it and make things a lot worse. She dreads things getting worse, so tells me to find someone right away to fix it. It's a bit irritating that she always sees a problem as a new one, even though I know it's been going on for years.

I have to say that if I ever came home and found my stuff thrown out and broken, it would be my last day as caregiver. I don't owe anybody that, no matter what is wrong with them. I would call the police, get a report, then replace anything broken from her money. I would let the police decide how to proceed. Baker acting sounds very good in a situation like this. I'm glad she didn't throw you down the steps!
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IMPearl, I see by your profile that your Mom is 86 years old.... have your Mom checked for an urinary tract infection.... such an infection will make an elder go off the deep end. This can be corrected with antibiotics. It isn't easy for someone to get old.

I know many families would prefer not to place their parent in continuing care, but sometimes a higher level of care is needed for that person, it is in their best interest. Maybe Mom can be placed while the remodeling is being done, then brought back home... or maybe she would like staying where she is, being around people of her own generation. But first her anger would need to be put under control. If Mom cannot pay for such care, see if she would qualify for Medicaid, which would help pay.
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If anyone else on the planet destroyed your things and treated you like that, what would be your reaction? You would call the police would you not? Since it is your mom, I do get that its more complicated...but the fact that you do not deserve to be abused (and forced to wear earplugs in your own home) is what you need to start believing. There doesn't need to be a war. She is not making rational decisions. Its time to step up and make those decisions for you, and if she goes off onto a psychotic rant, you call 911 and have her Baker Acted...a mandatory 72 hour psycho hold where she will be evaluated as to whether she is a danger to herself or others. You do not deserve abuse, and you need to start believing that.

Angel
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Angelkw: " You are being abused and if she is unwilling to seek treatment, its time for her to live elsewhere."

This says it all. She doesn't own the house; she doesn't make the rules. You don't have to put up with this.
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My mother is currently on medication for dementia. She still has nasty fits. She will rant and rave for hours at a time. Thanks for the advice. Its going to be a war, but I can always buy earplugs. A couple contractors I called to quote some of the repairs, refused to work around her because she was "one nasty old lady".
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Your mother needs to be seen by a geriatrician. What's your budget for fixing your house?
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If they sold you the house, and the house is in your name, then it is yours to do with as you please, including fixing it. It sounds like you have forgotten that you are a grown up, and you are still acting like a child living in their parents house. It's time to set some boundaries for yourself and make some repairs as you have stated are badly needed. The longer you put it off, the worse and more costly it will be, and since it's your investment, it's time to take action.

Has your mother seen a doctor? It may be time for an evaluation and perhaps medication for anxiety and anger. It is simply unacceptable that she destroyed your things. No one deserves that. You are being abused and if she is unwilling to seek treatment, its time for her to live elsewhere.

Angel
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So, this is YOUR house?

Fix it. If your mother has difficulty with agitation, she needs to be seen by a doctor, preferably a geriatric psychiatrist, for meds to help with this problem.
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I forgot to mention that the roof started leaking, the kitchen floor started splitting, there are soft spots in the hall floor and bedroom floors, these things also need fixed, but every time I mention these things, she goes off. The house was built in 1941 so it's an old house. She has been living in that house for 35 years.
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