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Since my father’s dementia diagnosis family and friends have been wonderfully supportive....
Except for one lifelong friend of my dad’s who has been a constant thorn. Questioning me at every turn, being verbally abusive towards my poor mother and myself. When this Meddler talks to my dad I’ve noticed my dad’s paranoia and anxiety are heightened afterwards. It really sends him into a spiral. When my dad was in the hospital during our court hearings for guardianship it was easier with the help of the wonderful nursing staff to keep this man’s constant b.s. phone calls and meddling at bay. I am glad my dad has friends. I just feel that this friend could be a better friend by not sharing everything with my dad that will upset him. I’ve written, texted, and called this guy and explained what he’s doing isn’t helping my dad, it’s hurting him. I reached a breaking point in August when the Meddler started harassing me, and demanding I do as he says via texts. So I blocked him from calling or texting. 1 problem solved, I guess.
I don’t want to completely take my dad’s cell phone away either. I don’t feel that’s the best way to solve the crappy friend issue on my dads end.
Now, that my dad is in the memory care facility he’s calling my dad and stirring things up again, and calling and emailing my mother about how horrible she is for letting me put my dad in a memory care facility. I’ve reminded the Meddler that a court, 5 doctors, and 2 psychologists have all deemed my dad incapacitated. I didn’t do this to be hurtful, I did this to help my dad by keeping him safe. In an environment that will help him. I certainly didn’t make the diagnosis. 5 doctors all said
Degenerative Brain Disease/Dementia/possible DLB.


The facility doesn’t want house mates to have a lot of cash on hand and has asked that we only send $20 a month. My dad with dementia tells the Meddler he has no money and that we are starving him, foods terrible etc. So now he’s going to send my dad $100 I mean if he wants to have his money stolen, or lost I guess that’s on him🤷🏼‍♀️. Also side note: when my dad was still in the hospital for physical therapy until the court stuff was settled this Meddler literally on 2 occasions tried to help my dad escape! He’s a real pia. I know I don’t ever need to justify myself to this A-clown.


Covid...... dang. Visiting my dad through the window, seeing that he has been wearing the same clothing for the 4th straight week in a row really lights me on fire.


Has anyone else out there had to deal with obnoxious meddlers? Anyhoodles thanks for letting me get this out...

Thanks all for your amazing feedback! It’s greatly appreciated. Up date on the Meddler! I have blocked him from calling my dad’s cellphone!
Last Saturday my dad’s facility called and said my dad needed to go to the ER because of a sore on his ankle that just wasn’t healing. So I was able to meet him there and be with him as his guardian. They ended up admitting him as his oxygen levels were low, they found him to be quite anemic, he has a lot of edema from his kneecaps upwards due to congestive heart failure. He had a blood transfusion and he will be there until Monday trying to get rid of the water weight. This was going to be a super hard Christmas this year regardless of the pandemic as my mom left my dad in late July, and then we had 3 months of court festivities for guardianship. He is so happy at the hospital and said he wished he could stay there and not go back to the Dungeons(what my dad calls the memory care facility)
So anyway when I was with him on Saturday while he was getting a CT scan I found his phone in his coat pocket with his cigarettes. I found the meddlers contact info and tapped his name. It then asked if I wanted to block this contact from phone calls and texts. I blocked him from calling, but my dad can make calls to him. So when you look up his contact info he isn’t listed as a blocked caller. That’s in a whole different setting and thankfully my dad has no idea how to find that on his phone. Yeah!!! Thanks all for the idea!
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Reply to pBubblegum
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pBubblegum you have certainly taken charge of your dad's care. I like your tenacity. Keep it up. If you eventually move your dad, don't make the facilities proximity to you a major consideration. After looking at several places I chose one that was 20 miles away. She recieved excellent care there. There were 3 MC facilities within a 5 minute drive.

Just to clarify, you don't have to have your life threatened to obtain a restraining order. Meddler's harrasement and interference of your dad's care could be enough.
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Tell meddler, dad says to send him treats and to the staff :) Like a fruit basket or donuts... or a pizza for lunch for him and the staff... :) That would be very kind and fun... or freshly made chocolate cookies from his favorite bakery... And a Thinking of you, get-well card... !! Happy happy, joy joy.

covid...? Will We Ever Get Pass This? one day hopefully.....

How long did it take to eradicate Polio? Then someone was diagnosed with polio a couple years ago somewhere here on earth..? I heard that once on NPR too many moons ago to actually recall.. so, we will just need to do our part I guess...
I think I will need to start wearing closed toed shoes out in public,,, not sandals. and keep a fresh pair of socks and shoes in the car, so i can switch out and bag the others until I can disinfect.. gosh...If germs don't get me.. high blood sugar will.....
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pBubblegum Dec 10, 2020
GENIUS!
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I absolutely love Daughter1930’s suggestion!

Change dad’s phone number. Would he write a letter then? If he did can you ask the facility not to forward his mail to your dad?

Can’t you ask the facility to stop all contact with your father?

Tell dad that he moved away and can no longer visit.

Is this a ‘good’ friend or a ‘casual’ friend?

He sounds absolutely horrible to deal with. So sorry that you and your family are dealing with this situation.
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pBubblegum Dec 10, 2020
we bought him a new phone so he definitely has a new number! Whether my dad gave him that number I’m not sure. But will look into it. This guy is one of 2 of my dad’s oldest childhood friends. He’s always always given me this really creepy vibe. No idea why. Even as a small child I didn’t like him. I’ve asked the facility to keep their ear and eye out. As soon as I can get in to see him I am going to block him, hard.
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Thank you all for the super comforting words! I’ve been stewing about a lot of things over the last 6 months. This site is so amazingly helpful.
So the Meddler did indeed send my dad $100 because my dad called me today begging me to put minutes on this old track phone he has. It’s easier for him to use memory wise but is so severely out of date it no longer updates and is going to die any time now. We bought him a new track phone per his request even after offering to add him to my phone plan or my husbands. I really wanted to go that route that way I could block Meddler and do it all from my computer. I called the facility and emailed
(paper trail)them about the scenario of my dad and this guy trying to remove him from the hospital a few months ago. Also how he makes my dad super anxious and what not.
they said they will make sure he isn’t trying to visit my dad and to also make note of my dad’s behavior when there is contact with him. Ooh also I did not put Meddlers number in the new phone.
My mom has blocked this cat from emailing her, and texting her. With COVID I physically can’t get my dad’s old track phone where this guy’s number is stored. I can’t get a restraining order because he hasn’t threatened my life.
I might just send him a large text then once he’s read it I’ll go back and block him from contacting me. I don’t mind being the heavy. He’s such a woman hater.
Yesterday my dad’s caseworker, the nurse that works with caseworker on our team, their supervisor, my mom, papa, and this horrible house manager type women from the facility had this 30 day evaluation of my papa. The care team and myself had a conference call before hand to make a game plan and make sure our questions about the bathing and food/coffee issues were discussed.
what kind of prompted this big meeting was the fact that the facility had been taking my father to bloodwork appointments without my prior authorization for the last month. This house manager person let it slip out to me a few days ago and I about lit her on fire. Figuratively of course. Then yesterday before the meeting papa and a staff member went for bloodwork at the UW, got dropped off from the local cab company. After my dad came out from the blood draw the receptionist called the cab company to come back and pick my dad up. He got in the cab and literally left the staff member behind! This all happened before our Zoom meeting. Of course they didn’t tell me my dad traveled back to the facility alone. He didn’t even think to look for this poor girl who was waiting on him. My big b***h in the meeting was he has dementia and can Not go to appointments alone if I can’t be there with him, and I need to be notified of all appointments I can’t not either attend or drive him to period.
my dad was still wearing the same clothing as he’d been wearing before. My mom asked is my dad is able to safely get into the showers. He says he does and can. He facility said they can’t physically “make the house mates shower....blah blah.”. the caseworker is visiting dad via a window visit tomorrow to check the attire once again before she brings in her supervisor to deal with the facility manager again. There is so much going on with that place that I need a different thread started. I might have to find a different facility for my dad. The caseworker brought it up and I said I am 100% on board, sadly with COVID there are few openings and there are none that are 10 minutes from our house. Today my dad called and his speech was slurred. I’ve noticed over the last 6 months he’s sounds that way on his bad days. He called to tell me he got up a little late and missed breakfast. So all he got to eat was 4 pieces of bacon! I said 1) you are on a heart healthy diet and bacon sadly isn’t on it. And the freakin house was out of coffee yet again.
there are just so many red flags with this place.
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Wow. This post could have been written (at least partly) by me. This includes the escape attempt(s) and the gifted money. I handle LO's clothing, but meddler drives all over creation getting "better" clothes for LO and then complains that she "had to" do all that driving! Meddler acts upon the pity party stories that LO tells her. Meddler even showed up at NH and raised heck about the care - when all she has is LO's word for it. (In reality, the care is truly outstanding and home care had failed - partly due to meddler). Awful judgment, but she craves that attention she gets by "fixing" the lives of others who can't make it without her (right...... sure.....). There were several therapeutic fibs that we wanted to use with LO, but could not because meddler would never go along with it and the truth would be told at all costs. As a result, we had to tell LO some unpleasant realities which would have been better left unsaid - all of which were normal parts of NH placement and Medicaid. So sad to see the distress this has caused for LO during years which should be peaceful. Meddler also tells LO that NH is "overkill" and "we're going to get you out of here." Why on Earth would she get LO's hopes up like that??!! Meddler does not have authority to act on any of it. LO is agitated/upset for 6-7 days after talking to meddler. So sad.
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pBubblegum Dec 9, 2020
Couldn’t agree with you more about the fibs.
Yes! My Meddler is doing the whole “when we get you out of here” crap too! It’s so unhelpful. I always say our Meddler has some sort of hero complex. We had to tell some hard truths with my dad too. Thanks Meddler!
His family and children hate him so he’s making himself busy messing with my family.He’s 71 year old man who needs to get a life.
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I agree that you need to block him from Dad's phone and all emails, and if it goes any further, consult an attorney to send a certified letter telling him not to contact him anymore.

Frankly, it sounds like this guy has dementia, too. Does he have any family you can talk to about his behavior?
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Does your father look dirty? Do his clothes look dirty? I've learned on this forum that many people with severe dementia refuse to change clothing. This may be a hill the staff are not willing to die on - for your father's sake. But you need to call the nursing supervisor and ask what is going on with your father such that you notice that he's always wearing the same clothing when you visit.

You need to get a hold of your father's cell phone and BLOCK the A-clown. Period. You have neither the access nor time for supervising phone calls! And notify the facility in writing of this man's full name - if you have a picture of him attach it - and that he is under no circumstances to be granted access to your father. If you need to get a restraining order, so be it.

As for the emails the A-clown is sending your mother, report his address as SPAM. Protect yourself and your mother from this hurtful jerk. He either feels entitled to meddle in your family's affairs or he himself is suffering from cognitive decline/dementia and has no filter. But either way, NONE of that is your problem.
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pBubblegum Dec 10, 2020
I think my dad looks clean? 🤷🏼‍♀️ It’s hard to tell through windows, you know. My dad has super dark skin, but the same clothes is going to be addressed again in the morning. Agree with you. And I didn’t know that about people with dementia about clothes changing. With COVID I wasn’t allowed to go in and set up his room. I literally just dropped off furniture, bedding, clothing, pictures to be hung.... I’ve asked for pictures to be snapped and sent to me. I’m beginning to wonder if my dad’s clothes have even been put away, maybe he can’t get to them properly? I feel like I email or call this facility every single day. I’m not being naïve. I know this is only going to get more complicated.
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You are Dads guardian. You have more power than a POA. You have the right to ban this person from visiting Dad if he causes anxiety and aggitation. You have the right to block him from Dads phone. You can set Dads phone like you would a childs. Allowing him to only be able to dial out certain people or people calling him. I have my Samsung set to "do not disturb". In this mode, only people on my contact list come thru. I can set my texts to none coming thru. Calls just go to VM and I delete them. Block this meddler. Tell the facility if he shows up and they won't leave, call the police. Your guardianship gives you this right. I will bet that Dad won't even miss this person. If he is in MC, he is pretty much into his Dementia. Out of sight, out of mind.

I hope you kept those harassing phone calls, texts and emails. Grounds for a restraining order. This meddler has gone too far. There maybe some mental problem here.

Yes, I would call the facility to ask why Dad is in the same clothes. They can't make him bathe or dress but the staff should know little tricks to get around it. With my Mom they threatened to tell me. If you find he is refusing have Mom call and say "Dear here you are not getting a shower or changing clothes. You need to do this to be clean and fresh for me". Or like I would do with Mom "you don't want to stink". 😊
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I would block his number on your father's cellphone and when Covid is over, let the nursing home know that the Meddler is not allowed to visit unless he is supervised by you or one of your family members. I think it would be okay for your father to still talk to him on the phone if you or someone else is supervising the conversation, and the call has to be on one of the landline phones
at the nursing home. The minute this guy starts acting up, the phone call ends. If he acts up while visiting your father then he's escorted out of the facility and no allowed to visit anymore.
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JoAnn29 Dec 8, 2020
I wouldn't even be that nice. The man is threatening the OP. There is something wrong with this meddler.
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I don't understand the meddler's motive. He certainly has no right to meddle in your family affairs and decisions. If you can get ahold of dad's phone, you could block his "friend's" number as you did with your phone. With his harrasing you and your mom with e-mails and causing your dad hightened anxiety, you might threaten him with a restraining order.
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JoAnn29 Dec 8, 2020
Some people just think they have the right to meddle.
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Have you addressed the fact that your father has been wearing the same clothes for the last 4 weeks with his facility, and what have they said? That would be my first concern.

As far as his meddling friend goes, I second what Daughter1930 said.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Change dad’s phone number and only give the new number to trusted people. Likewise, program the phone with only numbers of trusted people
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