Father's belongings, what are your thoughts?

I spoke to my mom about my feelings and first regarding the tie she said it should not have been taken by the sister. She said the sister acted out and took the nicest one and mom didn't know what to say, and was caught off guard but asked me to request its return.

The ring is unsettled and I noted I would give it up if that's what she really wanted. She has mixed feelings about it and understands I had plans for it and the nephew will get it one way or another. She's upset the nephews never call, visit, or send cards, yet they are family. I think she understands that most of their few belongings will not go to me and I've only asked for a few things that have some meaning to me.

Sadly this has opened up a huge rift due to my sisters desire for her son to have a ring now. If this is such an issue now, how bad will it get after my mom passes, the emails and hurtful things directed at me have been quite mean and vindictive.

I disagree with you. What you feel you are entitled to means nothing. You have a grieving mother and two siblings in the mix here. Female or not.

You don’t get to dictate the pecking order. You have a living parent (your mother) who essentially has the priority here to give away or keep anything she chooses to whomever she wants. Mom gave BIL a ring of your father’s. That is now his. It’s gone. Let it go. Hopefully he will enjoy it and think of his dear FIL every time he sees it.

You even think you have the right to determine which items the grandchildren should get.

Your father should have written out his wishes prior to his death. If he did not, maybe your father did not think much of these items anyway & didn’t care where or to whom they went. You’ll never know as there was nothing in writing. But for you to assume that YOU know or that your opinion supersedes your two sisters is just plain wrong.

All your father’s possessions belong to your mother now. Not the kids. Your mother. If she gave away a ring to a sister’s husband, what is wrong with that?

Just because you are male doesn’t give you the right to keep any of your father’s belongings nor demand anyone follow your directions.

Let your sister have the tie. Good grief!!! It’s a tie! I’ve lived through in-laws and other family members passing. In many cases the grandchildren aren’t even interested in items that belonged to their grandparents. To them the stuff is antiquated and cumbersome. And jewelry? I inherited my mother’s little collection. I had it appraised only to find what the family thought would be some $ was worth next to nothing. So it’s now a keepsake to help me to go through tough times when I miss my mother as she touched those items.

It’s been only a month since your father passed away. Let your mother grieve. Then call a family meeting in a month or two to discuss his property if your mother consents. Arguing about a ring given away to a family member? Non productive right now.

In a perfect world.

I am with Worried on this one. If Dad wanted his personal effects to go to certain people, then he should have written it down. If a Will is involved than a Codicil. I agree, why give something to a SIL who wasn't even close?

In my situation, my older brother of 2 boys is more sentimental than my youngest brother. The Younger never asked for anything of my Dads or Moms. So when I was cleaning out I put aside what I thought the older brother would like. I had 4 boxes, one for each of us. I ended up giving the older Dads military records and pictures.

I agree that the son or sons should be considered before anyone else. Same with daughters. But, there is nothing wrong in a son wanting something of Moms and visa versa. Grands, I feel their parents can hand down to them.

In the end though, those items belong to Mom for her to dovwhat she wanted with them. Our Wills say what yours is mine.

I sympathize with your situation. My take is that absent a will stating your fathers wishes, no one but your mother is to entitled to anything and she is entitled to do what she wants with his belongings. Being a son, or the oldest child or the youngest child or whatever, doesn’t entitle you to anything.

In hindsight, your father could have/should have written in to a will what he wanted you to receive or how he wanted his material possessions distributed. If he didn’t do that then it’s best to stay civil with your mother and let it go. She’s already given a few things away. There’s no legal recourse to get them back. At the right time you could ask for them back but if they say no, you really don’t have recourse. I do think your mother should have at least asked you what you wanted, it does seem a bit odd that she’s giving your dads stuff away like this but I think she is probably grieving and maybe not thinking straight & probably feels put on the spot when other family members ask for her things.

When my uncle died, he was in possession of some of my grandparents possessions including an anniversary clock my grandfather gave my grandmother. They had been in my grandparents house & my uncle lived in that house for 2 years until it was sold and these items weren’t left to him or given to him by the executor, they were just in his possession. Anyway after he died, his wife of 4 years (3rd wife who never met my grandparents, she only ever met my uncles siblings & nieces and nephews). kept all his family stuff-my grandparents possessions, all the photo albums and home videos and my mother felt that those items should have been given back to our family. It came up in discussion with my cousin (uncles daughter) one day and there was a big screaming match. My cousin got very angry and said possession is 9/10th of the law and that by law my grandparents stuff belonged to her stepmother now. My mother felt since it was her mother’s stuff, she (or her sister) were entitled to it. It ended with my mother crying and my cousin red faced and yelling. It was terrible and in the end, to avoid any further drama and severed relationships, my mother let it go and it has never been brought up again. FWIW I think my uncles wife should have given that stuff back to our family. Its all in boxes in a shed anyway but legally it is hers so it is what it is. I could see wanting photos of my uncle but I don’t think she should have kept all the old family photos and videos. Not like she’s ever done anything with them.

I sympathise with the in-law part, at least.

My sister-in-law proudly displayed my grandmother's eternity ring to us a couple of years after my grandmother died. She's my brother's wife (obviously!), he is the eldest child of our branch of the family, I dare say my aunt gave her first choice of the jewellery, certainly it never entered my mind to challenge her about it then or later.

But all the same it annoys the bejesus out of me when I think about it. So I don't think about it. Unless the subject comes up - !

Let it go. Quicker than any of us care to dwell on, none of this will matter in the least to anybody.

i have posted before about my parents they have changed their mind multiple times in the past 4 years-mostly in regards to their house and the cash-if there is any at the end. Originally they were going to split things 3 ways. Recently, I spent a few years helping my mother going thru her stuff and jewelry-taking photos and writing down what items she wanted to be offered to various people. Also noting that she changed her mind many times after. I stopped trying to keep up. All total there are 4 children, 6 grand children-3 of them married and 6 great grand children. The loin's share is going to lazy sibling and his children including the house and cash amounts in addition to large yearly check mom gives to sibling to pay for the house he currently lives in. This is not even counting random gifts given to the yard guy, the verbally abusive( to my parents) spouse of one of the siblings, things the neighbor has helped herself to etc. Mom even offered for some of these "non relative" people to go thru the house and put a name sticker on things they want. My mother has held the promises of things over my head for years-as a result I frankly do not really expect to get much in the end-i have since divorced myself from all of it due to the way my mother has treated me. I really don't expect to get anything meaningful -what ever had some emotional attachment to me in the past has since been killed by the way my mother treats me. I don't expect things to be fair-not even a little bit.

You have warned us to be kind in our reply to you.
I have to wonder at that admonition?
Is there a reason you suspect we might not be?
I am so sorry for the loss of your father. I think that, unless he stipulated otherwise in a will, your Mother is the one who should make these decisions about her departed husband's belongings.
I would imagine that any "I want this or that" might add to your Mom's grief. I know you would never want that to happen.
I see no reason why you could not say, if there is something that has great emotional meaning to you, and you feel it would help you keep your father closer in your heart, that you could not say "Mom, I always loved that tiny black Bible Dad carried with him; could you consider my having it as a remembrance?"
I hope with time you will hold memories more dear and near; I lost my father many years ago at age 90. I think a day has not passed for me without his loving presence being a part of my heart. I wish the same for you.

I am sorry. I understand why you would want your father's personal items since you are his only son. I suggest that you let go of any anger you have about the things your mom has already given away. Keep the ring that was given to you, and clarify with your mom that she meant to give it to you, and that you appreciate it. If there are more things of your dad's that you would like to have, you could let your mom know why you would be interested in getting them passed down to you, and why. Tell her why you would be proud to have them and how they will help you feel connected with your dad. But also tell her that it's her decision, and you understand if she wants to keep them herself.

I’m sorry for your loss. It would seem to me that all decisions about your dad’s possessions would be up to your mother. Let her decide without argument or contention. Our lives are brief, for all of us, and in the end it’s all just stuff. Relationships are what matter, not stuff

I am sorry for your loss.  I do not think your being male should give you priority, but disposition should be fair. I don't think you can get things back, but I think a discussion with mom should be gentle.

I'm sorry for your loss--and sorry that you had to ASK us to be kind. That makes me kind of sad--has our AC family gotten mean/thoughtless? I hope not!

Your mom is still living? And she has made these decisions about where some items have gone? That's within her rights, and maybe she doesn't understand that you would like some of dad's things. As far as being 'entitled' to anything, well, we really aren't, even if we're the oldest child, or only son, whatever.

This is something you should be discussing with your mom. If SHE has not made a will, she should be asked, gently, in time, to do so, to avoid this kind of thing happening when she passes.

My FIL died and my SIL and BIL were like raccoons--they came to his condo and just cleaned it out of anything of value. The will had not even been LOOKED at, much less dispersion of effects discussed.

My DH, who was the executor, simply rolled over and gave in to his sis and her hubby. One of my daughters took a turquoise belt buckle and that was it.

I sadly think that your sister will not return the bolo tie, and I'm sorry about that--but you can always just ASK her if she would let you have it.

Technically, EVERYTHING dad owned became mom's upon his death, She should be the one making the decisions about what goes where. Talk to her and let her know how you feel.

I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you and sisters and mom can come together in peace about what really amounts to 'stuff'. It's not worth a family relationship over 'things'---I know that sounds mean, but having been there several times--good family relationships are better things to have than a belt buckle or washing machine.