My elderly dad lives 1,200 miles away from me. He chose not to move back closer to me when he started having mobility issues and now is at the point that he can’t fly and the cost of assisted living in my state is too expensive for him. In the last three months he has been hospitalized three times and in three different rehabs. Every time he goes home he falls. He was home for 10 days and had to call rescue 7 times to help him up. I had to take a month off to be with him I arraigned a CNA for 20 hours per week through the VA and that wasn’t enough care and he isn’t eligible for anymore. He is out of his Medicare days and is being discharged in two weeks. I arraigned placement at an assisted living and he is refusing to go saying he is going to go home or just die. My days are spent on the phone with his healthcare providers, social workers, his friends telling me how bad he is and him calling me and complaining about everything. He can’t walk and lives basically in his recliner when he’s home. He calls me in the middle of the night because he’s cold or thirsty when I am 1,200 miles away. I am the only family he has. I’m depressed, mentally exhausted and at a loss. My adult children and husband are starting to resent him because they see what a toll this has taken on me. Thanks for listening.
Probably the hardest situation possible, for the LO who keenly bears responsibility for someone who is/is not, able to manage his own care while simultaneously refusing help.
”Caring” should always try to approach “balance” for both care needer AND care giver, and you and your father are obviously not there, for EITHER of you
If he lucid, and proven lucid LEGALLY, HE MUST arrange for help, because you are RIGHTLY unable to drop your life and manage his needs from where YOUR life is.
If he is NOT lucid, you must establish your legal right to provide SAFE care for him, which appears in his case to be Assisted Living, and provide it.
You are “the only family he has” but that does not, and should not mean that you have to shape YOUR LIFE around what HE WANTS OR, EXPECTS, because he KNEW where you were and what choices he had available when he was able to make choices.
If none of HIS CHOICES served him as his circumstances declined, the list of choices HE could make became shorter. That’s NOT on you!
Don’t allow yourself to be the decision maker UNLESS that’s legally your job!
Remember, what he needs AND WHAT YOU NEED. Sometimes, (maybe this time) there are no happy, pleasant decisions that will please every one involved.
If you do the very best you can do, be at peace with what you decide. You deserve to be.
Stop. Breathe. You do have choices.
Your Dad has choices too. All choices have consequences.
Dad choose not to move to an AL near you. Consequence #1 he lacks assistance, #2 He lives far from you.
You choose to stay with him & arrange CNAs to improve his safety at home.
What were the consequences for you? Reflect on this.
YOU get to decide for next time. What & how much you will do.
Best of luck to you.
Now if he is COMPETENT and honestly wishes to go home to die, one of these times he will do so. That is for certain. It IS an unsafe discharge.
Contact Social Services at the rehab. Stop enabling this with any in home care, as if he isn't cared for 24/7 this is still unsafe. Rehab isn't the answer. His balance and fragility makes him unsafe to be home alone.
I hope you will update us after speaking to Social Services.
We on AC have had cases like this, one a mother of a member who constantly refused placement and chose home. She did die at home alone. That was likely her wish, in fact, and she did so after a fall. I am so sorry you are currently going through this from so far away but what you can do about it is completely dependent on what kind of power you have, and currently that is--not much.
I see this as a new life stage is before Dad: The Downsize.
Sort of like he can get a much smaller car to drive. One he can still handle.
I heard a frustrated Doctor yell at his patient once, "I told you last time you fell & the time before that.. Choose you nursing home or your family will. The time has now come".
Most of us want the dignity to choose for ourselves.
Maybe a Licenced Social Worker who specialises with the elderley can help Dad explore this stage & to understand the consequences of his choices?
PS I would suggest Dad get a falls alarm if going home is still a viable option.
PPS I'd warn I was not his concierge. Won't be answering late night calls. Certainly NOT able to bring a blanket or a glass of water! What's that about? If he is independant to live alone, he can place a blanket on the end of his bed & a glass on his side table, right?
Put your phone on do not disturb when you go to bed. You are entitled to 8 hours of quality sleep. He made his decisions. If he has a crisis, he can call 911.
You can opt out of playing his games. Stop being so competent and available. stop rescuing him.
When you step in to clean up his messes, I have no doubt he thinks he is doing just fine. He thinks he is handling his life.
Also, have you ever told him how this is affecting your life, sleep and health?
Tell his friends if they are so concerned, they can go over there and help him.
In terms of guilt, please try to be kind to yourself. You did not create this situation. Boundaries are a good thing.
For your scenario - it sounds like the CNA who visits home is no more? in that case, if your dad ends up getting admitted again, can you then push for placement?
A poster's FIL (Way's? or Peggy's?) was adament his family would move in & be his 24/7 help (again). Not their first rodeo.. so instead of stepping in, they stood firm together. Hospital Social Worker said "I see" & that train changed tracks.
Struggling, you were a quick learner!!