Father 91 with Parkinson’s disease using a walker. Mom 85 at home with Hospice as of Friday! Sister and I trying to care for both of them. But my father is very unreasonable, he gets anger with us, and questions everything. He doesn’t want any one to visit. There are 8 grandkids and 12 great grandchildren. My mother has been wonderful to all of us, the family just wants to say goodbye. He is lashing out at my sister and I, and saying unspeakable things, then apologizing the next day, any advice is welcome…
How are these people saying goodbye. Just the 20 grands seems overwhelming to me. I hope people aren't there around the clock. That would, I think be too much for the patient. I know she is your mother and your childrens grandmother, but she is your Dads wife. They have lived together 24/7 for years. The love in a marriage is quite different than the love for a child. Your Dad deserves to have quiet time with his wife. Just her and him. Maybe you can set up a time for visitation. Only a certain number of people and only so long. Maybe someone can distract Dad. Take him for a ride, to the park during these visits. He needs are just as important as Moms. She is leaving you but he is losing his wife, friend and lover.
They will put mom in Respite, family can visit and dad will not be dealing with visitors.
And a side comment...have you asked if dad is eligible for Hospice as well?
If so he could be in respite care when mom returns home. this again would give you time with mom and dad will be cared for while in respite. It sounds like it would be good for him to have medications adjusted for anger and anxiety. (If he has a diagnosis of LBD they need to be careful with medications for anxiety and anger management. )
Hospice homes are beautiful and peaceful and the care is top notch. Medicare will pay 100% if your mom dies within a week, otherwise your dad will have to pay out of pocket for her to remain there, but at this point it will be worth every penny for you all to have peace in your moms final days.
Please talk to your moms hospice nurse about having her transferred to their facility soon.
This all depends on how much your father CAN control himself. If he is not completely demented it may be time for a sit down come-to-Jesus talk that leaves him understanding she may be removed from his premises if he cannot make this better for her.
Good luck.
For mom, have a Hug Party. Remove dad from the premises and all the relatives line up at the front door. The gatekeeper (you) admits one person at a time to hug mom. Five minutes limit, then the usher (sis) escorts them out the back door where they socialize briefly with lemonade and cookies. Then everyone leaves (soon). Dad then returns home.
A friend who was dying had a Hug Party organized by neighbors. She wasn’t up to long conversation but loved seeing everyone briefly. Long deathbed goodbyes are miserable for all involved, especially caregivers. Keep it short and positive.