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Father 91 with Parkinson’s disease using a walker. Mom 85 at home with Hospice as of Friday! Sister and I trying to care for both of them. But my father is very unreasonable, he gets anger with us, and questions everything. He doesn’t want any one to visit. There are 8 grandkids and 12 great grandchildren. My mother has been wonderful to all of us, the family just wants to say goodbye. He is lashing out at my sister and I, and saying unspeakable things, then apologizing the next day, any advice is welcome…

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IMO Dad is now suffering from Dementia. Having people in his home and coming in and out is probably overwhelming for him. Maybe you should place him for now till Mom passes. Find an AL or MC that does respite. Tell him he is going somewhere where there is some peace and quite. Respite for a Hospice patient is only 5 days.

How are these people saying goodbye. Just the 20 grands seems overwhelming to me. I hope people aren't there around the clock. That would, I think be too much for the patient. I know she is your mother and your childrens grandmother, but she is your Dads wife. They have lived together 24/7 for years. The love in a marriage is quite different than the love for a child. Your Dad deserves to have quiet time with his wife. Just her and him. Maybe you can set up a time for visitation. Only a certain number of people and only so long. Maybe someone can distract Dad. Take him for a ride, to the park during these visits. He needs are just as important as Moms. She is leaving you but he is losing his wife, friend and lover.
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I agree with Alva but since Respite for a Hospice patient is covered maybe ask the Hospice Nurse that you want Respite for mom.
They will put mom in Respite, family can visit and dad will not be dealing with visitors.
And a side comment...have you asked if dad is eligible for Hospice as well?
If so he could be in respite care when mom returns home. this again would give you time with mom and dad will be cared for while in respite. It sounds like it would be good for him to have medications adjusted for anger and anxiety. (If he has a diagnosis of LBD they need to be careful with medications for anxiety and anger management. )
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Perhaps it best now to have your mom transferred to a hospice home, where your dad won't have to deal with all of this and the family can come and go as they please.
Hospice homes are beautiful and peaceful and the care is top notch. Medicare will pay 100% if your mom dies within a week, otherwise your dad will have to pay out of pocket for her to remain there, but at this point it will be worth every penny for you all to have peace in your moms final days.
Please talk to your moms hospice nurse about having her transferred to their facility soon.
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Quite honestly we don't know your dad. We don't know how much of this is depression, how much is dementia, and how much is a combo with complete overwhelm added to it. I am certain you are doing the very best you can; you will have to continue to do that. If Dad must go into respite for a week, and he is currently suffering completely from dementia, then that may have to be the way it goes, so that your mother can bid loved ones goodbye. That, or mother is moved to in facility care, or to one sister while the other attempts to deal with dad.

This all depends on how much your father CAN control himself. If he is not completely demented it may be time for a sit down come-to-Jesus talk that leaves him understanding she may be removed from his premises if he cannot make this better for her.
Good luck.
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Ask your dad’s neurologist about medications to calm him.
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My advice is that this is too much for you and sister to handle by yourselves. Your dad seems as if he may have cognitive issues, so get him evaluated ASAP because it won’t get better. His anger is a clue, and dementia patients become angry and agitated at change in routine.

For mom, have a Hug Party. Remove dad from the premises and all the relatives line up at the front door. The gatekeeper (you) admits one person at a time to hug mom. Five minutes limit, then the usher (sis) escorts them out the back door where they socialize briefly with lemonade and cookies. Then everyone leaves (soon). Dad then returns home.

A friend who was dying had a Hug Party organized by neighbors. She wasn’t up to long conversation but loved seeing everyone briefly. Long deathbed goodbyes are miserable for all involved, especially caregivers. Keep it short and positive.
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JoAnn29 Apr 21, 2025
I guess this sounds nice and I can see people in my family thinking this was a neat idea. But me not being a hugger, would not like this.
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