This is very natural, and very common. For one thing, you know that his well-being isn't likely to get any better. For another, its easier on us to remember them "the way they were" if they were good to us, and easier to think of them as a stranger if they were not so good to us. And when it is a complicated mix of things, it's quite a jumble of emotions to say the least!
But there is a problem in staying away; the person may be aware they have been abandoned if no one familiar sees them regularly, even just briefly. They found that even the people who did not seem to recognize themselves and others physiologically responded differently to familiar vs unfamiliar people in the room. And if no one is visiting except when their behavior gets outrageous and they demand it, then their behavior will tend to stay outrageous most of the time. Short, planned, frequent visits can be a good antidote and could eventually become part of a routine that is calming, reassuring, and stabilizing for an anxious loved one.
When I can get other family members to visit, which is like pulling teeth, my Mom (with moderate to severe vascular dementia) really appreciates it a lot and even opens up iwth my son a lot more about her old memories; she will tell him things she never told me. I decided I would do my mom's laundry just so I would "have to" visit a couple times a week minimum. I did this after 1) visits had not been going well for a while and she did not even seem to want me around any longer than it took to figure out what she needed me to buy for her, and 2) after I realized how much of her stuff was geting lost by the facility!!
I now actually try to get the laundry put away while she is at a meal, so there won't be any opportunity for her to call me an idiot and yell at me to hurry up if I can't do it fast enough, and took the advice not to come if I had already had a really bad day already and wouldn't be up to brushing off a little verbal abuse if I got it.
Its OK to find it is difficult to stay involved, but I would say take care to think for the person's point of view and do what is best for them too as far as you can. Maybe I should add "as far as you can, but no further." If your being invovled more would serve no purpose other than to get them upset or cause problems, then by all means don't! It is ideal that someone visits though just so they know the level of care is being monitored. And giving the regulars a break even if just once a month or quarter might be a good gift to them.
I have been reminded that this will be over some day. It seemed a little brutal the way it was said, but it reminded me that I will feel some peace in knowing that I tried to make things easier or better in any small way I could even when my emotions were elsewhere.
Caregiving is exhausting and it's natural to lose interest. My relationship with father was never close and it's strange that his care has dominated my life the past two years. I'm glad that my sister and I have seen that he's well taken care of but I often find visits tiring and difficult.
Have your lost interest or are you seperating because he's no longer the person he once was? If it's something you'd like to change counseling might be helpful. It sounds like it is an area of concern for you or else you would not have posted it. Are your father's needs presently being taken care of?
well my uncle's wife was admitted to the nursing home because her daughters decided to do so because she got lost twice and she tried to kill my uncle. they didn't want him to visit her. I went once to visit her, but never went back because I don't like to see her in a vegetative state -she doesn't recognize us- and also she was always a know everything kind of person.. so many years have past and now I want to visit her again. it's hard and very stressful.
But there is a problem in staying away; the person may be aware they have been abandoned if no one familiar sees them regularly, even just briefly. They found that even the people who did not seem to recognize themselves and others physiologically responded differently to familiar vs unfamiliar people in the room. And if no one is visiting except when their behavior gets outrageous and they demand it, then their behavior will tend to stay outrageous most of the time. Short, planned, frequent visits can be a good antidote and could eventually become part of a routine that is calming, reassuring, and stabilizing for an anxious loved one.
When I can get other family members to visit, which is like pulling teeth, my Mom (with moderate to severe vascular dementia) really appreciates it a lot and even opens up iwth my son a lot more about her old memories; she will tell him things she never told me. I decided I would do my mom's laundry just so I would "have to" visit a couple times a week minimum. I did this after 1) visits had not been going well for a while and she did not even seem to want me around any longer than it took to figure out what she needed me to buy for her, and 2) after I realized how much of her stuff was geting lost by the facility!!
I now actually try to get the laundry put away while she is at a meal, so there won't be any opportunity for her to call me an idiot and yell at me to hurry up if I can't do it fast enough, and took the advice not to come if I had already had a really bad day already and wouldn't be up to brushing off a little verbal abuse if I got it.
Its OK to find it is difficult to stay involved, but I would say take care to think for the person's point of view and do what is best for them too as far as you can. Maybe I should add "as far as you can, but no further." If your being invovled more would serve no purpose other than to get them upset or cause problems, then by all means don't! It is ideal that someone visits though just so they know the level of care is being monitored. And giving the regulars a break even if just once a month or quarter might be a good gift to them.
I have been reminded that this will be over some day. It seemed a little brutal the way it was said, but it reminded me that I will feel some peace in knowing that I tried to make things easier or better in any small way I could even when my emotions were elsewhere.