Sibling lives in Colorado. She is trying to give me the guilt trip. She believes I don't care about our dad, because I'm not willing to give up my job to care for him. I'm tired of feeling guilty and made like I don't care. I don't know what to do.
Wish I had a dollar for how many times I heard and read that some family members are very free with giving advice from afar, but never get around to dirtying their own hands. My response would be to tell your sister that since she has all the answers she is free to put them to good use. You will put your father on the next plane to Colorado! And then hang up the phone and don't respond to her calls, at least in the short term. That way she cannot continue to try - and it would appear to succeed - in sending you on guilt trips.
I finally DID tell my 2 siblings that since they had better ideas than I did, I'd let them have a crack at it.
Initially, I was recently unemployed, divorced and lost my home -- ALL after 30+ years of consistency, so it made perfect sense for me to move in with mom (emotional comfort, very nice home) - TEMPORARILY. In those 5 yrs., mom deteriorated rapidly physically and cognitively, and so it was a v. intense 5 years of solo caretaking (with zero room or time for me to process my own 'stuff'). It was suggested (and I agreed) bya few friends, therapist, and caretaker acquaintences that I should move far enough away that there'd be no question that I was out of the 'picture', and they were on their their own to 'figure it out'. Since for 50 years I'd lived in the same city, this was the hardest thing EVER for me : ( At 65, single for first time in 40 years, in a new state ... The only rare communication I've gotten (and only from one) is how wonderfully smoothly 'everything' is going, just like clockwork, [implied] 'no stress', 'mom's doing MUCH better' -- all intended to convey how poorly I'd handled everything, and see, they were right! Fact is, my 5 years turned out to be the worst (daily trips to doctors of every stripe and 10 911 calls/ambulances at ALL hours, etc.--trying to diagnose precisely the various neuro and physical stuff) -- she's stabilized physically now, the meds are straightened out, no ambulances. Since I've left, there are 2 new caretakers, and housekeepers and gardeners. I was simply replaced by my 26 y/o single niece, who's making a nice living, and saving rent $$ to travel the world and buy her own home.. My 2 sibs never did and won't ever know what those 5 hellish years were like. Or, they were right that I'm simply a hysteric, high-strung weakling that couldn't handle the stress. Fine : )
Yes, this requires a calm discussion with your sibling AND dad about needs, expectations, ramifications, etc. More info would be helpful:
Has your father asked for in-home care? Is your father to the point where he requires daily oversight in person? What is his prognosis? What would be the cost for agency-provided care in NC for your Dad and would he be willing to pay/can he afford to pay for it? Would Medicare pay for some of it?
Maybe you can offer him help managing other things that you can do remotely, like managing his bill payments, home maintenance/repairs, etc.? I do this for 2 Aunties in FL, from MN.
I would let your sibling and father know that it is just not possible for you to stop working (especially if you have a spouse/kids) but that you are willing and able to help in other ways. Family can push lots of buttons but it's very important to not let your sibling's guilt tripping get to you. For your dad's sake the conversation needs to be calm, productive and realistic. Good luck!
"Gee sis, if I had a million dollar bank account I "might" consider helping out with dad but unfortunately I live in the real world and I have a life and obligation here so I am not the solution to this problem. Lets try and brainstorm some realistic options." If sis lays on some more BS then "there's no point talking to you if you are just going to keep rehashing that same old crap, don't call me unless you are prepared to have a realistic conversation"... (hanging up phone)
Initially, I was recently unemployed, divorced and lost my home -- ALL after 30+ years of consistency, so it made perfect sense for me to move in with mom (emotional comfort, very nice home) - TEMPORARILY. In those 5 yrs., mom deteriorated rapidly physically and cognitively, and so it was a v. intense 5 years of solo caretaking (with zero room or time for me to process my own 'stuff'). It was suggested (and I agreed) bya few friends, therapist, and caretaker acquaintences that I should move far enough away that there'd be no question that I was out of the 'picture', and they were on their their own to 'figure it out'. Since for 50 years I'd lived in the same city, this was the hardest thing EVER for me : ( At 65, single for first time in 40 years, in a new state ... The only rare communication I've gotten (and only from one) is how wonderfully smoothly 'everything' is going, just like clockwork, [implied] 'no stress', 'mom's doing MUCH better' -- all intended to convey how poorly I'd handled everything, and see, they were right! Fact is, my 5 years turned out to be the worst (daily trips to doctors of every stripe and 10 911 calls/ambulances at ALL hours, etc.--trying to diagnose precisely the various neuro and physical stuff) -- she's stabilized physically now, the meds are straightened out, no ambulances. Since I've left, there are 2 new caretakers, and housekeepers and gardeners. I was simply replaced by my 26 y/o single niece, who's making a nice living, and saving rent $$ to travel the world and buy her own home.. My 2 sibs never did and won't ever know what those 5 hellish years were like. Or, they were right that I'm simply a hysteric, high-strung weakling that couldn't handle the stress. Fine : )
Has your father asked for in-home care?
Is your father to the point where he requires daily oversight in person?
What is his prognosis?
What would be the cost for agency-provided care in NC for your Dad and would he be willing to pay/can he afford to pay for it? Would Medicare pay for some of it?
Maybe you can offer him help managing other things that you can do remotely, like managing his bill payments, home maintenance/repairs, etc.? I do this for 2 Aunties in FL, from MN.
I would let your sibling and father know that it is just not possible for you to stop working (especially if you have a spouse/kids) but that you are willing and able to help in other ways. Family can push lots of buttons but it's very important to not let your sibling's guilt tripping get to you. For your dad's sake the conversation needs to be calm, productive and realistic. Good luck!
If sis lays on some more BS then "there's no point talking to you if you are just going to keep rehashing that same old crap, don't call me unless you are prepared to have a realistic conversation"... (hanging up phone)
Being 85 I resent my "children" making life decisions without consulting me. Nagging is OK, decisions on my life isn't.
You don't mention the type of cancer, so he may be just fine, my husband had cancer for 12 years before he died.