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I'm so lost and broken I don't know who can help answer these questions. My mom is in late stages of alzheimer. We have 35hrs a week in home care, I have tried for years to get my parents to. I've closer to me so I can help more. I live in colorado and travel home every month for one week for the past 5 years. I manage all the medical billing, appointments to make up for not being here. He just told me he is considering a caregiver I never met proposal to live rent free and she would helpmtake care of my mom evenings and weekends which aren't covered. I asked what does he need those hours besides making dinner. He said he needed time to fix the house and do things/AKA live his life. I offered to pay for more hours because I hated the idea of another woman moving in taking over what use to be my moms roles. My gutt didn't like the whole story and not understanding why I can't pay for more hours then some randomness caregiver he says helped out 3 weekend in October ( 3 months ago). First off, why are they still talking if she hasn't worked 3 months here, second saw a text on his phone from "Monica nurse" addressing him as "amor"( lover). I don't know how much more to confront him that his reasons aren't more about wanting companion then just needing more help for my mom. I feel so guilty for not being here to help more. I'm angry at him for even thinking this was a good idea to discuss. I know he will Make sure my mom is taken care of but what if this lady changes everything and he starts to neglect her. My mom would hate this if she was more coherent but she needs full help, barely talks and not aware of things but I know she can still feel what's going on and would hate another woman there eating dinner with them, being there during there alone time in the evenings when he is home from work. Am I selfish for not thinking of his needs too? This has been hard for all of us but he has the greatest burden dealing with day in and day out. I'm my moms POA, should I take her out of the house and divorce him if he ignores us and moves this lady in? My mom would be heart broken they've been married 35 years. My mom is 62 and he is healthy 65. I thought life was hard and not This. Has anyone expierenxed this? Any advice how to handle. I can't even understand his perspective how could he do this to my mom while she is Alive and the greatest wife/mom ever. I'm 30 and trying to live my life but I can't keeps me coming back every month because I worry and want to help all I can but it's never enough. I feel hopeless and lost

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Thank you everyone for your support. I'm coming to terms understanding my dads needs and will try the approach to hire more hours so he can live his life even it means seeing another woman, as long as he doesn't move this woman into the house while my mom is alive. Thank you for your advice.
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Nancy, my mom has Alzheimer's and her needs were better met
when we moved her to a good Memory Care facility.
Agonizing decision to separate my parents after 60 years of marriage.
Now they are reunited again at a nursing home due to her decline.
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So sorry, Nancy. This is so tough and complicated. Sometimes these scenarios resolve on their own. The hard part is deciding to just let it play out.
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In my opinion you should care about the needs of both of your parents. And when you don't fully understand those needs try very, very hard to not be judgmental.

As the POA you do not have authority to determine where your mother lives. You can handle legal matters for her, but, a divorce? Would that improve the quality of her life for her remaining years? Or is it just punishing your father that you have in mind?

I think this is what I would say to him if he were my father: "Dad, if you have a special relationship with this woman, I think it would be disrespectful to bring her into your home, and it might cause Mom distress. How about if we hire weekend caregivers to give you more time to see this woman and your other friends?"

He may have things to tell you that would help you understand where he is coming from. At the very least you will have acknowledged to him the nature of your concern. And that is really all you can do. Express your opinion. You have no mandate or authority to control his decisions.

At a support group meeting for caregivers of people with dementia, this topic came up. Some members are taking care of parents and others are taking care of a spouse. ALL of the members caring for a spouse said they no longer felt they had a marriage partner. They had a dependent. They were married, but without a spouse. Their love did not diminish and it may even have deepened, but it was on a whole different level than it had been before. This is what psychotherapists call an ambiguous loss. It is exceedingly stressful.

Your mother may have been the greatest wife in the world, but in a real sense she is not a wife at all any more. You have no way of experiencing what your father is going through. I cared for my husband with dementia for 10 years. Frankly, I can't imagine when I would have the time to have an affair, but if I did I would be very careful that it didn't hurt my dependent/husband.

How could he do this to your mom? I seriously doubt that he is intending to do anything to your mom. This particular relationship is about him.
The important questions, I think, are
1. Is your father treating your mother in a loving way?
2. Is he seeing that she consistently has good care?
3. Does he do things with her that she is able to do? (Have friends over, go out for a meal, listen to music, etc.)
4. Does he share memories with her -- remind her of their love through the years? Look at photo albums? Try to hold on to and share what has been good in their relationship?

I hope you can cope with this without losing what has been good in your relationship with your father.
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