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Although I am fourth of six children, I have always taken lead role with my family. Our family has always been dysfunctional, due to alcoholic and unemployed father and schizophrenic mother. Having struggled for most of our life, now we six children are alright - all professionals, married and lead middle class life.


About eight years ago, I was diagnosed with cancer and have to undergo two sets of treatment. During that time, I couldn't take care of my aging parents. Prior to that they were living in my rumpus room. Then, I asked my baby brother to take care of them. But, in the eight years they were with him, due to neglect my mother's physical and mental health suffered a lot. He and my sister in law was locking her up and not providing food sometime. Rest of my siblings who are overseas, turned blind eye except visiting once a year.


About a year ago, when I recovered from cancer, I bought a unit for my parents. Then, behind my back, my father and eldest sister (who has the POA) put my mother into a rest home prematurely. As I couldn't leave my alcoholic father alone in the unit, I have to evict him. Now he also moved into a rest home.


Now my father and eldest sister is offended with me as I asked my father to move out of my unit, and they will not communicate with me. Most importantly, they are withholding information on my mother's health. Three other siblings also have ganged up with them leaving two of us on other side.


How can I get a better outcome for my mother in her late days?

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Your mother is probably in the best possible place, as well as your father.

What I don't understand is why, as the daughter who bought a unit for them to live in, you don't have legal access to their medical records/medical care and your eldest sister has POA. If I were you, I would tell my sister that instead of being angry with you, since she has legal POA she is more than welcome to take your father into her home & take care of him. Since she is angry because you asked your father to leave, she can move him in with her if she is that worried about him.

Does money play into this in any way? Usually that's the culprit when siblings begin fighting with each other when their parents are elderly & they're faced with the decision to take care of them or put them in a long term care facility.
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Thanks everyone for your advice. You have helped me to put my mind at peace, somewhat, as I can see my mother is in better place now.
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You obviously have different health care standards in NZ---I'm sorry you feel your mother was placed "prematurely"...but on the other hand, my mother should have been placed last year..now it's a family drama trying to deal with her sliding into dementia and just being impossible to deal with in her home.
My brother has MPOA over mother and he will not share one iota of info. I ask about her recent dr checkups and he says it's not my worry. Well, I beg to differ, if I am taking care of her PT, it IS my concern. He told me it was a miracle she lasted through the holidays and I asked "based on WHAT?". No answer. If her kidneys or liver are failing, I think all of us kids have a right to know. Mom doesn't know how to interpret her own tests, so she's useless.
I'd MUCH rather have mother in a NH and KNOW what's going on than living with complete lack of info. I have some long term travel planned this year--I'd like to know if I can at least entertain the idea that she isn't so sick she's on death's door. He's very protective, which is sweet and super annoying. I am a 60 year old woman and I can certainly handle bad news.
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Take Churchmouse's advice and start with your local social services.

I'm not exactly sure what a "rest home" is or how things work where you are. Here you have to need the care in a nursing home or assisted living facility or you won't be admitted. You don't go there "prematurely" -- if you are there you need their services.

To me it sounds like a good outcome that your parents are in a clean, safe environment where their needs will be met. I would be relieved. Of course it would have been better if your sibs had communicated with you and you hadn't gone to the trouble of finding a place for Mom. But whatever their intentions were and however badly they handled it, it sounds like the outcome was good.

Except for the part about not letting you visit. That doesn't sound good. But if you can get that straightened out, this may be the best outcome for your mother's late years.
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Better outcome: visit her weekly. As an Ombudsman, I know that most residents have few visitors or none at all. Since neither one of them could be left alone, the safest placement is a rest home. But PLEASE visit them and hold their hands. When I go to the nursing home they all crave a touch, a smile and a hug.
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A better outcome? What better outcome do you envisage for your mother?

You say that she has been placed prematurely in a rest home. But on the upside, this is a place of safety, where her physical and mental health care needs will be met reliably. And through no fault of yours, that has not been the case previously. Are you sure you have a better idea for her?

As I understand it, New Zealand operates a progressive and enlightened social care policy. I am confident there will be authorities you can ask to ensure that your mother's needs are being fully identified and met. That would normally include respecting her right to contact with her children unless they pose some kind of risk to her wellbeing.

Do you know your way around the relevant organisations? If not, start with your local social services who will be able to advise you.
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