My Father moved in and is taking over my life. I feel terribly guilty when I don't entertain him, what can I do?

I hear of this so often...
A relative puts off going to the doc and then dies at 65, an extended family member weighs 450# and he dies of a 7 cm stroke at age 66, a friend knows something's wrong and when she finally gets herself to the doc, she has Lupus. I am sorry for your dad.

Tell him you need to pull in an income so that you all can eat, for one.

Agreed with the person who said this seems to be harder on men than women to stay socially active. My father insists he's not depressed and doesn't need an active social life, but what he really wants is my mother and I'm the closest thing to it. I'm resisting moving in with him. He has dementia and will not be able to live alone much longer. We are looking at AL but the one thing he really loves is where he lives now. I can't see him taking the initiative to join in the activities in AL. They have activities where he lives now that he doesn't participate because he can't think clearly and has mobility issues. We did attend a Daycare for a few hours and even though they were very nice, I don't think he needs that much supervision/structure yet. I just need to find him some friends. So far, the Senior Center doesn't offer anything he is interested in.

Don't laugh. I am getting a dog in two weeks and have been reading lots of dog training books. What do they say over and over?

Take control, be the pack leader, set boundaries, rules and limitations. This is so that life runs smoothly and everyone, including the dog, gets what he/she needs. Including a bit of uninterrupted peace.

How many people, elders and youngers, need to have boundaries, rules, and limitations. IF IT IS SO SIMPLE THAT A DOG CAN DO IT, then we all need to be doing it, too.

Those guilt trips are horrible indeed. It is necessary to realize they are not about you but about your Dad. He is not doing this intentionally but is literally dragging life out of you because of his own neediness. For his sake and yours you need to construct proper boundaries around yourself, make sure there is someone caring for him and go out to do the things you need to do. Please find a competent counselor/therapist and ask about the meaning of codependency as an emotional issue in your dad. Tell the counselor exactly what is going on.

Looks like I may be putting Mom into daycare. Just went to check place out. Seems nice enough and has lots of activities. Will give Mom a shower and therapy if they feel needed. I think she will benefit from it since she sits all day. She gets to come a free day a week until paperwork is done. Going to go with it. Need time to myself. I was babysitting a baby then all this happened with Mom. It will give me and DH some time for ourselves.

I feel your pain, Dad moved in a year and a half ago after mom died because he ran out of money and was not taking care of himself. He could have moved in with sibling number 1 in the same town but sibling number 3 lost the toss and it was me. Fast forward 18 months and I have quite luxurious living accommodations for him in my home, his own living room (my former beautiful sunny office now I am in the basement). His own sunny bedroom and shared hall bath only when company comes. He has his car and money to cover his expenses (just barely). Watch his diabetic issues etc... Manage his finance (he is learning) I moved everything liquidated everything and have nursed him through one surgery. I feel guilty going out with my wife so I tend to stay home more, We entertain less with our friends..... He visits family (long drives I don't like). Now when he visits family I heard he complains to them about living with me that I am a task master on his food and medical (Ill take that, someone has to be the adult in charge). Tells everyone my wife "sits by the pool all summer and reads" (she is a special needs school teacher and deserves to decompress for 6 weeks and not make as much as she should be paid). Mom did everything. I did everything for a while until he had to take responsibility. He did not save for retirement and thus this is his situation. I feel your pain, I try to get out on my own, at least he is not an angry sort or the moving van would have showed up long ago.... I am trying to do date nights with my wife more often. Trying to develop the thick skin but it is hard..... I have gotten rid of most of the guilt but now the not quite anger but maybe just a tiny bit of resentment trickles in. I tell myself I am glad to have him here which I really am but it is hard.

Can you father afford a senior living community? Do you have the time, patience and enthusiasm for setting up a network of activities for him, persuading him to try and reject them one-by-one, and support his struggles with socializing? No, then senior living is the best route. He may complain, manipulate (intentionally or subconsciously) and dig in his heels, but the battle will be worth winning the war (unlike the endless, sometimes soul-sucking battles it will take to get an old man to try to do something with his days that doesn't involve you).
Can you tell I'm speaking from the position of a daughter who's fed up with my role? I'm strongly advising you to do as I say and not as I do! : ) Good luck!

If the money was there, my Mom would be in an AL. The local one requires 2yrs of income and then medicaid will take over. If Mom had the money thats where I would place her. I live in a 4 floor split level. Just not good for someone who can't do steps. With the economy here, can't sell my house without taking a loss. Have her in a day program 3x a week from 8 to 1:30. They pick her up and drop her off. Gives us time to ourselves. Gives her time with others her age.

Goldilocks, get this book on Amazon. It's not expensive and is a paperback. Full of good ideas on setting boundaries: Boundaries Book By: Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend If your Dad needs to live with you, I would have that discussion about how you have to earn your own living, save for your own retirement because as elders today get older and older, they most frequently have to use all their investments for their own health care needs....thus no inheritance these days. NOT that you say that part to him, but you build off that notion that he had to keep on working and find other ways to help his parents during his working years too....and you cannot afford to end your life penniless....and surely he wouldn't want that either for you. If he is to stay with you, check into the aging program. Perhaps he can get Meals on Wheels....which does involve a couple people stopping by with food every day, and I know in most programs, they visit for a little bit and assess how the senior is doing alone at home. There are also senior day care programs, as one mentioned, where he could be picked up and brought home, and be with others, in all sorts of activities for 4-6 hours/day...go every day, or only certain days too. Perhaps it's also time to plan for getting POA, and getting his will in order, and medical power of attorney, while he is still alert. Is he a veteran by chance? He may be able to find resources from the local VFW or a veteran's group....and among that group, I am sure there would be some who also enjoyed fishing and the casino! Your job, as his daughter, is to keep him safe.....not to be his alter ego for the rest of his life! The book will help!

I second Joannes book recommendation. I've read it and it's excellent. So many adult children do not realize that they can set boundaries and have the right to do so. Also need to recognize when others don't have boundaries and trample on yours. Maybe your dad could even volunteer!? The hospitals love to have elderly people volunteer. Taking his mind off himself and thinking of others is one of the best ways to be happy.

The unfortunate part of being a care-giver is that we become task-oriented out of necessity while other family members are allowed to remain family members. We get taken for granted by them and by the person we are caring for.

Goldilocks,

You have been through a lot, come back from a lot, and have done a lot! Wow! No one can take over our lives without us allowing them to because we don't have healthy or existent boundaries. You have your life, your marriage and your family to look after first. You need to set some boundaries to protect all these other areas of your life. I think other solutions for your dad need to be found.

I read over this thread quickly, so I may have missed this question already being asked. So, forgive me if it has already been asked. What does your husband and daughter think about all of this, plus what it is doing to you as well as to the family as a whole?

We celebrated Dads 80th yesterday. The family had a big party for him 2 weeks ago. Just my wife and I took him to dinner last night. We took him to watch a football game at my buddies house in the afternoon and I made him a cake. The funny thing is he thinks the game and my buddies were there for him (our regular weekly game time). So I let it slide. He was kind of slapping me with a few one liners until I had to reel him back into reality. He thinks its funny. As I always tell him "no stories about me in front of my friends".
It is hard to live with someone after you have been on your own. Last night I asked him to follow me this AM to take my car to the shop, I had to wake him up, then he diddles around the kitchen, does some laundry, gets some breakfast. Thus I am now late and the car wont be done till tomorrow. When I asked him to go to the game yesterday he was up and down the steps and out the door in 30 seconds. When it is something he wants to do hes like a cartoon, poof and hes gone.
My wife noticed he is an "I, MY", every conversation is about "I or my"..... he does not listen unless it is something he can gossip to on the next phone call. My wife can't talk about work or anything else she can't have repeated.
I try, believe me I try. At dinner he talks about all the foods he like (weird things my mom wouldn't make). As I tell him, the kitchen is there, buy what you want make what you want, clean up what you so.... He is a good cook but I don't like split pea soup, navy beans, stomach. liver, tongue or anything that licks or kicks me back...... I do all the cooking and the shopping so I cook what I like. The rule is if you buy it, you cook it, you clean it up.... He gets miffed when I don't like something he likes. I have made him lots of his favorites mom used to make but I cant be the chef, valet, etc....
He is not happy that I am not going on the annual hunt this year. I need a break with my wife alone and want to spend time with my kids over Thanksgiving (wed leave the day after and go for almost a week). So he is welcome to go and he is. He will spend T day with some of the step grand kids out of state. Most likely I will end up being the bad guy. Funny is he told me he called them, he told my sister he had not called them yet so who knows what he is doing......

Sorry for the rant but my head just hurts.......