Father just died and mom is now showing signs of dementia. Is this part of loss?

My father also had a very long and difficult LBD. After he passed, the nurse who runs my dementia group warned that now I would notice my mother’s deficits. Recently diagnosed with dementia, she is having delusions that make me realize she’s been having them since before he died two years ago. I know exactly how you feel. I haven’t recovered from my fathers dementia and here we again. I am an only child living in a different state with two more years before I can retire and negotiating a health issue of my own. Not to mention COVID. I am so sorry for anyone who has to experience this even once. Twice just seems too cruel. Find a good in person support group once the pandemic is over. It will save your life.

Listen, both of my parents wound up with non-diabetic neuropathy in their legs & feet. BOTH of them, for no apparent reason, with no cure, no real treatment, and chronic pain that doesn't let up. My mother is almost 94 and wheelchair bound now as a result of the neuropathy. Questioning 'why' things happen the way they do doesn't result in an answer or a cure...........just more questions and more refusal to accept what is.

If your mother is diagnosed with dementia, it won't be due to a vitamin deficiency or pure grief. It will be due to medical testing of various kinds, and not just MRIs, but tests like MoCa which is cognitive and asks questions of her. If she's unable to work everyday appliances like phones, microwaves, tv remotes..........that's a sign of cognitive impairment. After a traumatic incident like a death, of course everyone is going to be MORE off than they usually are. But not to the point where they keep asking the same question over and over again, and not realizing their husband has passed away. At least I wouldn't think so.

If your mother is diagnosed with dementia, then you will decide if you want to keep her at home for the duration or if she'd be better off in a Memory Care Assisted Living. My mother lives in one of them and she's very, very well cared for by a team of people who work in 24/7 shifts. There are only 23 residents so they all get a huge amount of individualized attention. This is NOT something you must decide today or even tomorrow. Just something you can keep on the back burner of your mind for future consideration

Try to relax a bit and give your mother some grace. You've both suffered a huge loss and for that you have my deepest condolences. I lost my father in 2015, and my mother her husband of 68 years. She took the path of getting rid of ALL of this things immediately and refusing to even talk about him. Ever again. We each grieve differently; and some do not grieve at all. Nobody can really tell you exactly what your mother is going through right now; it could be a bit of dementia and a whole lot of grief combined.

But for you to start ramping up YOUR anxiety now, in addition to going through such a profound grief period, won't be helpful. Show YOURSELF some grace as well and try to just do the best you can without overthinking anything. Take things one day at a time and when your mother questions where your dad is, tell her he's visiting a relative in another state. Continually reminding her of his death will not help her in any way, especially if there IS dementia at play here. It will make her relive the trauma over and over again, you know? Just tell her whatever she needs to hear to keep her CALM!

Sending you a big hug and a prayer for peace; that everything will work out well for both you and your dear mom.

It took me months to begin functioning anything like normally after my mother's death, and I was fifty-something and hadn't been married to her for decades.

I think you're right, that this is - not so much a way of coping, because that almost sounds like there's a choice - but your mother's emotions and sense of self being in complete free-fall. She must feel so disoriented, after years of strain and then total absence.

If, just as a suggested example, instead of directly answering your mother's question about where your father is, you were to take her hand and ask her what she's thinking, what might she say?

I am sorry for all you have been going through these past few months. My father died Sept. 27 at the age of 82. He was my 81-year old mother’s caregiver. She has Alzheimer’s. As an only child that care has not been deposited into my lap. She was there for his lengthy hospital stay, his two weeks in hospice, the funeral with military honors and continues to ask where he is daily. I can’t properly grieve and mourn his loss having to relive it daily for her. So, with much trepidation, I have begun to tell her he is traveling with his sister (which he use to do frequently). She is fine with that answer and my days are calmer. This was done for my own self-compassion. We will be getting in-home care for respite for my husband and me and she will eventually end up in a nursing home when we can no longer take care of her properly. The takeaway from this is that you have to take care of yourself first. It’s the old oxygen mask in the plane scenario. My heart goes out to you. Please take care of your own mental health.❤️

I'm very sorry for the loss of your father...may you receive peace in your heart.

Regarding your mother: "suddenly" can indicate 2 things:
- you didn't realize just how much decline she had because everyone was (rightfully) focused on dad
- she has a UTI and needs medical attention
- both things can be true at once

Please take her in to be tested for a UTI which can often have no other symptoms in the elderly except confusion and uncharacteristic behaviors. Antibiotics can clear it up but if she gets any medicine, someone needs to help make sure she is actually taking it and in the correct prescribed dosages. I would not assume anything about your mom's continued "independence" right now. Keep a close eye on her and don't rely on what she tells you as accurate -- she may have memory decline as well. Have the doctor give her a cognitive exam while there so that you know what you're dealing with. I wish you success in figuring out what's up with her and how best to help her!

I would go with that no one noticed Moms slight decline because of Dad or she covered it up very well. You may have seen it as an age decline. Then Dad died and she was free to let go?

I would take her for a good physical. Bloodwork and labs. Get a referral to a neurogist. This way you rule out the physical stuff. Is she on heart meds. Water pills? This will deplete your potassium. My Aunt and Mom had problems with their thyroids. Diabetes will cause problems.

Hello Lookin, So sorry for the loss of your dad. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time. People grieve in different ways. When my father died, my mother seemed to be in left field somewhere. They were married almost 60 years. My mother would ask where my dad was frequently. Finally she accepted his death and was not in denial any longer. At that time she not diagnosed with dementia and was quite healthy. We all took my dads death very hard and I think we were all off a bit for that matter. Time usually heals but if your mother continues to decline I would have her checked out as JoAnne advised. I am sorry you are going through all of this with your mother. You have a lot on your plate. Please take care of yourself and give yourself time to grieve as well. May God give you strength and peace as you move on to anther chapter in your life.

Condolences on the loss of your dad. Does your mom exhibit any other cognitive or behavioral issues. Dementia is not just memory loss but also having difficulty with day to day living. Does she act confused? Has she forgotten how to cook or use the stove or operate the TV? These are some signs, among many, that besides forgetting can indicate dementia symptoms. An MRI on an elderly person can show signs of brain shrinkage which can be normal. However, the dr should have given you his opinion and told you if this was normal or not. Did her PCP order the MRI or a neurologist? In either case he/she should have told you more.

Grief can manifest itself in many ways. Dementia symptoms usually come about very slowly. I wouldn't rule dementia out but I can also see this as response to her deep sorrow and grief. Grief occurs when someone or something we love dies. The longer the relationship and interdependence, the more profound the grief. Grief can be accompanied by depression also. The two can be difficult to separate. Mom needs further evaluation and maybe counseling.

Your mom's grieving could have begun while dad was still alive. “Anticipatory grief” and “ambiguous loss” are two terms that caregivers experience prior to the actual death of a LO. These are the emotions one feels in anticipation of death. Once death occurs a much deeper sense of grief can occur.

If you haven't already I would advise you educating yourself about both grief and dementia. This could help you to better understand the terms and maybe help your mom deal with her loss. There are many books and websites that can help, some are webmd.com, mayoclinic.org, and apa.org. The “Essential Guide to Grief and Grieving” is a good book.

I am sorry for the loss of your father and what is to come with your mother.  She was probably on auto-pilot taking care of him and therefore you just didn't notice that she was having some mental decline as well.  Experiencing a traumatic loss, like the loss of her husband and change in her every day routine of taking care of him could definitely exacerbate her symptoms.  I'm sorry.  I hope you have some idea of care for her and help from other family members to navigate these rough waters.

Start with a doctor visit for her ...it could be a number of issues.
Take care.

I've seen it go both ways. You may need to give it a little time.

My boyfriend's mom had some dementia issues. Little things, but still able to communicate. Just a few things that made you aware her mind was not always clear. Her oldest son died unexpectedly and she totally separated from reality. He died in March. Toward then end of the year, she couldn't remember how to walk. By December, she recognized boyfriend's face, but couldn't recall how she knew him. She passed on Christmas Eve. We never thought it would progress that quickly. She was in her 80's..

On the other hand, my brother passed unexpectedly in July 2020. My mom is 96 and pretty sharp mentally. She didn't recognize my sister who she sees on a regular basis. The neighbor happened to be here when mom asked who the lady was in her living room. Then mom said, oh yeah, I know that. She seemed a little foggy for a couple of weeks after the funeral. Fast forward to November, and she's back to her old self pretty much. A little more teary about things, but recall has returned.

Perhaps it is a way of blocking some pain. Be patient and try to get her mind busy with things she enjoys (or used to enjoy prior to being a full time caregiver). She has lost her husband and her daily routine of caring for him. The caregiver role creates it's own havoc on the brain because you are constantly starting and stopping your thoughts midstream. I find myself dealing with 'feeling lost or what was I doing' all day long as I manage the 24.7 care for my mom.