Father is refusing to accept leg needs amputation. What lies ahead for his adult children? Any experience or advice please...

If your father has a clear mind and he is not demented, he has the right to refuse treatment and accept the consequences. He cannot be forced to have the amputation. On the other hand if he has dementia and he has been declared incompetent by the Court, whoever has the Power of Attorney will have to decide for your father. Remember that only the Court can declare mental incompetency. Having dementia is not enough, he is still legally competent and can refuse treatment.

I'm sorry that you're going through this. Maybe you can begin by telling him that he needs to find alternative transportation to the wound clinics because it's not going to improve, you're exhausted and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight since he won't accept his diagnosis. If his leg is getting gangrenous, he may end up in the hospital with no other choice because septicemia will probably set in.

Unfortunately for now, it seems that your father has made up his mind. I get angry at my mom who absolutely refuses to go to the pulmonologist. Her lung conditions could turn serious and possibly fatal, but in the end it is her decision, as angry & depressed as it makes me.

Dad is probably upset with the circumstances. His leg being damaged to the point of amputation, because of diabetes, what other parts of his body could have been damaged by diabetes that he does not know about.

He'll have to learn how to walk and use a prosthetic if he decides to go through with the amputation, which he may not be willing to do.

Good luck to all of you.

My SIL was 63 when she finally agreed to have her 'foot' amputated due to advanced Type II Diabetes which she ignored her whole entire life. She did lose weight, but it was too little too late. Her entire body was destroyed by Diabetes and the wound on her foot turned into an infection & went into the bone; she was hospitalized dozens of times, but nothing the doctors did would clear up the problem. So the 'foot' was amputated, but it was more like the leg all the way up to the knee. The other foot developed large ulcers on it at the same time.

The whole time she had people buying her Big Macs and shakes, her favorite food, and Cinnabons. Her sister housed her for 10 years before kicking her out; she'd had enough of watching her destroy her body the way she insisted on doing, by 'treating' herself to endless supplies of her favorite junk foods. She wound up living in subsidized housing, on disability, so things went even further downhill once nobody was there 'watching' her every move.

The prosthetic 'didn't work' because every time she tried to use it, she developed a painful sore on the stump. So she became wheelchair bound on top of everything else, and a burden to her son who had to do everything for her.

She lived in the doctor's office and at the hospital. She was admitted at least 2x a month and had blood transfusions weekly. She had cirrhosis of the liver from fatty liver disease that she ignored, and kidney disease from untreated diabetes as well. Amongst a host of other things too numerous to mention.

She liked to ignore the fact that she was seriously ill, too, but it didn't mean she wasn't seriously ill. She wound up pissing off her family members to the point where they stopped schlepping her around and she found transportation to all these appointments HERSELF. Everyone decided to stop enabling her and force her to do for herself, so she did, surprisingly enough.

In November she caught Covid b/c she wasn't being careful and went on a ventilator. She died 16 minutes after being taken off the ventilator; her lungs were destroyed by the virus. Yes, she was vaxxed but the doctors said her immune system was SO shot, that the vaxxes were pretty much ignored by her poor body.

My SIL lived the life she chose and died at 64. Nobody could stop her from eating what she wanted to eat, or from dying, either. Even if Covid hadn't killed her, organ failure would have taken her life shortly afterward.

If your father chooses to die by knife and fork, so be it. You can't save him from himself. You can, however, stop enabling him to kill himself and force him to do for himself now. Just practice saying No until it rolls off of your tongue easily.

Wishing you good luck trying to separate your life from your parents lives.

Simon, you keep talking about how hard this is on you, but you are like your father in that you won't proceed forward with your own plan. Not even a three-day respite for yourself because you're worried about Mom. Worried about her doing what? Escorting dad to the grocery store so he can limp around looking for lobster? Her cooking gourmet dinners for once? That's called making them take responsibility if only for 72 hours.

You and only you can define how you are going to help with these things, and for the things to come that will be harder.

Have you considered a family care meeting with him, wound care, and the physician in charge of his care? Perhaps with everyone present explaining the consequences of lack of appropriate care will help him accept his current condition. I wonder if his refusal is based on fear, denial, or both? What is his current mental status? Could there be any cognitive issues involved such as early stage dementia or depression? Lastly, is there anyone within his inner circle who is the most influential? This is a tough situation for all of you. Hopefully, he will listen to reason.

Responsible for our parents. To a degree. To make sure they have decent shelter, are fed, and safe and warm. But to expect them to do what you think is best, no. Your Dad makes his own decisions when it comes to his care. Yes, he is very ill informed in what it means to have gangrene. Did his doctor sit him down, look him in the eye and tell him without the amputation he WILL die? If not he needs to. Also, once gangrene sets in there is no cure but amputation. Once your Dad is told this and he still choses not to have the surgery thats his decision. Your not a bad son because he won't do what might mean the best for him. Once Dad realizes what his future holds, you need to make sure he has everything in place for Mom. That she too understands what his decision means.

You do not enable or disable your parents. You have them do what they are capable of doing. You set boundries now. If you don't, caring for them will be very stressful. Never make the decision to live with them or them with you without exploring options. Also considering your spouses feelings and how it will effect the rest of the family. Believe me its not easy. And please none of that "we want to keep Mom/Dad in her/his home as long as possible" If by doing that it means you mowing the lawn and doing the upkeep, its time for Mom/Dad to downsize. They can no longer afford to live in their house, you don't financially do it. They downsize. This is life.

Your sister has the right attitude.

if your father is mentally fit and he does not want leg amputation, no one in the world can make him do otherwise. Worrying and fussing over it won't solve your problem. Stay out of it. Just go for counselling for yourself and stop trying to fix all your Dad's problems. he will live as he see fit and die as he see fit.

Your Dad got you, your sister and your Mom all wrapped around his fingers and he is enjoying life just as it is. Tough but let him be.

Simon, how are things with dad?

Simon, just want to say hi & that we can only do so much, right?

"This is not a cruise ship".

I just LOVED this line! I want to add that to the coffee cup or teeshirt range.. Many of Barb's lines are on that list already 😁

Simon,

If you read my story of myself and my brother I have been where you are. He has severe diabetes from eating anything he wants and not caring about it for years. He has always been single and has no one to care for him except me, who lives 45 minutes away. My other brother helped with his care for a week and then wouldn't even see him anymore.
About 3 yrs. ago he was told his leg needed amputation. He refused, thinking he knew more than the doctors. He was put in a rehab after an infection which he hated and called me every day to get him out. I spent a whole month getting him out of there with endless calls and paperwork until I was going crazy. I forced him to get some help which lasted two weeks and then he fired them. Many many incidents in -between. Two years ago he had the leg amputated and by that time it had to be amputated well above the knee which made it much harder to get a prosthetic. At the same time, his body reacted to all the drugs he was taking with a horrible itching rash so that he had to be put on steroids. He gained 50 pounds back so now his leg doesn't fit anymore. He never got to use it. When all this was happening, his other leg started going bad and he has bad neuropathy in his hands and feet which really limit what he can do. He also has two torn rotator cuffs so he can barely move his arms and cannot even push a wheelchair. He was sent to another rehab which at least got him able to transfer himself from a bed to an electric wheelchair and gave him some hope. He has been blacklisted from 2 visiting nurses associations and all the temporary help he has put up with has left him, except for the latest who just does his shopping and some cleaning. He has not had a shower for a year because he doesn't want help.
During this time I went to a counselor because I was so involved with his life, it was killing me. I was so worried about him and felt so responsible for helping!! I couldn't just let him alone if it meant he may die, could I? I had not been brought up that way either. I was in a severe depression too and started an antidepressant. The counselor helped me set boundaries (I was also having to put mom in an adult facility during this time) and get some of myself back. I stopped doing everything for him, taking him to appointments, shopping etc. and interacted only as a sister, not a caregiver. It was very, very hard to do as he does not take care of himself and refuses or loses all the help gets.
Two week ago, I called him and he didn't answer for a whole day. The next day I called again and no answer. I went to his house and found him on his back, leg hanging off the bed, eyes wide open and mouth wide open. He had been lying there 2 days and remembers nothing. I thought he was surely dead and called 911. He was taken to hospital with another bad infection in his "good leg"" and then had to go to a facility to finish his antibiotic treatment; kicking, screaming and complaining all the way. He refuses to get help even though he has the money and has asked me to drive the 2 hr. r-t drive to pick him up because he doesn't want to pay a cab. I won't do it. I feel I have done enough and been manipulated enough. It never ends. He has told me he will lie to the social services saying he has full time help so he can get out of there.
I hope you will get to the point where you can have a life of your own and see that your father is making his own choices. We all have a right to live the life we want even if it's not what we would choose. Get some counseling so you can work through your emotions and see what part you need to play with your father. Believe me, I never thought I would get to this place. Best of luck to you.