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Ok for those who have helped me out in the past, I'll start with a little update. I reached my breaking point with my father's insistence on driving although he is legally blind in one eye and deaf. I brought him to an assisted living facility near my home and talked frankly about his options. Clearly, although he even agreed that the place was lovely, he wanted to continue to live with me. He said he was allergic to the carpeting and felt tightness in his chest while in there. (Just plain anxiety if you ask me) My husband and I listed a set of conditions that he would have to agree to in order to stay in our home. The most important of these was to stop driving, give me the signed title to his car which we are going to sell immediately and to never speak of driving again. I have arranged for regular alternate transportation which he resists, but has agreed to in order to stay. Sounds like a resolution, right? Well, it has been short lived. He now has switched from badgering me about giving him his car to insisting to be brought to the emergency room to have surgery on an inguinal hernia that he claims is painful.
A little background on that matter. When my mother died in 2004 my father decided to surgically repair this hernia which he was putting off for years. At that time he was not cleared for surgery because of an abnormality in his EKG. We followed up with a cardiologist who did a cath to see what the issue was. My father was diagnosed with severe aortic stenosis. The cardiologist advised to have the valve replaced. My father refused. The doctor explained that my father was putting himself in a dangerous position because he will not survive anesthesia with this stenosis. My father refused the heart surgery and of course there was no hernia surgery either as a result. Now, he says he can't stand the pain of the hernia, so last Tuesday I brought him to the ER just to rule out strangulation, they did a CAT scan it is not strangulated. It is very large and no doubt uncomfortable, but essentially it is not a life or death situation. This would be the only circumstance that the hospital would perform surgery on him even though the risk of mortality is so high. They told him to take Tylenol for the pain. So this is where we are. My father now cries and whines to me every day to take him to the ER because he is uncomfortable, even though he knows full well they will not operate on him. I avoid him and this conversation, but we are right back where we started. He is still driving me crazy in MY house. The topic is no longer the car, but now this surgery. My husband and I do not feel comfortable forcibly removing my 87 year old father from our home, but what do I do to change this situation? He does not have dementia but is obviously narcissistic. I resent being badgered as if I'm the one who is stopping him from having this surgery. I did not make these choices, he did. His response to us at that time was, "When I die, I die." However, he did not die, he has just become a crotchety, old, impossible to please person who insists on disrupting my daily routine and life as much as he possibly can. There is nothing more I can do for him. He lives in my home, I cook, clean, launder his clothes, pay his bills, conduct all his business transactions, take him to the doctor, everything. My thanks for all this intrusion in my life is creating constant havoc and uproar for me and my family. Oh and I should note that my parents have been living with me since 1998. I work full time and have two teenage sons. My mom died of ovarian cancer in 2004. I have two brothers who are verbally supportive of me, but are not hands on AT ALL. The day to day has been all me forever with both my parents, but more so now with my dad. So thanks for the vent and if anyone has walked in my shoes and can give me words of wisdom I so desperately need, please , help.

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Oh my goodness, JessieBelle you can relate to my situation to a tee. My father is the same way. If it's not his hernia, it's his asthma, allergies, stuffy nose, the weather, the clouds, the temperature in my house, his arthritic back the list goes on and on. The common denominator is he is never content and, like your mother, views every situation as if I am keeping him from some miracle cure for all that ails him. I have told him, if I could help wouldn't I? Do you think it is fun for me to hear you complain every minute of every day? That is the narcissism again. It is all about him. There will never be an end to his obsessions because that is what keeps him going. His world has become so small that his obsessions is all he has. For someone with a narcissistic personality to begin with, this is a complete disaster. My problems and responsibilities should take a back seat to any of his needs. I walk away as well and find myself spending most of my days upstairs in my house hiding from him. I have to say, more than guilt, I resent this situation. This is MY HOUSE. He contributed in no way financially or otherwise to enable me to live here. My husband and I have graciously cared for all his needs in our home and I have to limit access to certain parts of my house to avoid hearing about his unending obsessions in order to save my sanity. Add to that, my siblings' complete hands off approach to our father's care which gives me no respite at all. There is no sense in insisting they help, it just gives me more stress when there are a million excuses why this weekend or that is not good for them. It stinks. I have to be available 24/7 to cater to his every whim and they can't spare an hour. I feel trapped, overworked and unappreciated from all sides. I am a teacher and believe me, I can't wait to go back to work to escape this nightmare for 6 hours a day. I can honestly say, I did not enjoy my summer off at all. It is quite sad really. Again, thanks for the ear. It is very hard to talk to anyone about this because like you pointed out, most people feel bad for the old person. We caregivers are shunned and made to feel like awful, heartless children. I say walk a mile in our shoes, then express your opinion. Their tune would surely change.
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Take him back to assisted living and put him there. He is manipulating you big time. I know what that feels like. My mother is the same way. Anytime I try to talk to her about her care or future care I get, "I just wish I would go to bed and not wake up." Well don't we all. Who wants to suffer.

That said, if you father is like my mother, he is narcissistic. And if you read all the literature and posts on here about narcissism, he will not change. Mom never has, never does any wrong, never takes responsibility.

You have to play hard ball with these types. There will be some who tell you he is old and you should just let it roll off your back. No. They thrive on being the center of attention and getting their way. They do not care what it does to you. Believe me, I know of what I speak.

As of now, I have nothing to do with my mother. Too many lies, too much of a one way street relationship. But just like you when she needs real help, I will get a phone call from my brother and they will expect me to take care of her. No.

Assisted living. And when the money runs out, a nursing home. You have got to save your sanity with these types. No one who has a narcissistic parent will tell you differently. Good luck to you stick to your guns.
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Well, let him be anti social somewhere else for a while. It is not going to kill him. Exhausted is not a good look on you! LOL. You need to get away from him and he needs time away from you. Tell him that you are dropping him off at a senior center for 3 hours and he can sit in a corner there and sulk or tell everyone else what a horrible child he raised! Then do it. It will be a struggle each and every time, for a while. There are 100 reasons that he won't want to go, there is only 1 for him going. YOUR HEALTH!
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Linda, great point. He will be miserable with me or without me. I'm better off with the break. I'm going to give it a try. Thanks for the shoulder.
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dvhenal, I know just what you're talking about. Mine will pick out one thing that is not fixable, then focus on it like it is the thing that is going to take her to her grave. And if I were a good daughter, I would take her to every doctor in town until I found one that could give her a drug that would fix the problem. For the past year, it has been idiopathic itching that happens in a lot of older people. The cure for it is to stop scratching, but she won't. She wants a magic pill or salve to save her. I'm just a terrible daughter and walk away now when she talks about itching. I'll not take her to another doctor so he/she can say stop scratching.

Anytime we talk or when we set down to dinner, it takes about 5 minutes for the conversation to turn to her problem. Our conversations are very short. She has totally driven me away.

I don't have any advice for you, because I have a feeling you just needed to talk about it. It is hard to find someone to talk to. Even now I feel like someone is going to chime in "Poor mother. It must be terrible to itch like that." Grr -- they better not dare.

Caregiving is a really good example of "no good deed goes unpunished." Sometimes the only thing we can do is walk away from the unending obsessions with health if nothing can be done. The bad thing is we can end up feeling so angry and guilty when we have to walk away so much. Why do they do this to us? Good sense flies out the door when some people get old.
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Feeling your pain. 2 weeks ago I sat for 6 hours in an ER with my mother because her back pain was so horrible.She thinks that I also am hiding a miracle cure.She is on 120mg morphine a day.I knew her pain doctor wasn't going to increase the dose. I took her to the ER just in case she actually might have had a small fracture somewhere,she has osteoporosis,but the CT was clear.After a while she was watching TV in the ER and complaining that the sound wasn't good on it.After she found out the MD wouldn't increase the dosage home we went.She can only have her steroid injections at certain time intervals.So for now when she starts obsessing on her many complaints of pain I tell her all I have to offer is the ER and that seems to cure her for a while.She is what I call a narcissistic passive aggressive personality.She will find the complaint of the day.
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I have been there for years. The hardest thing we ever did was put my father in law in a nursing home. He had no choice. He went from the hospital straight there. Things have not changed one bit, but, at least we can walk out the door, have a good cry, and go home to some peace. It is tough, but, the people who work in most nursing homes really DO care. They are trained in these matters and can handle the patients. The doctors are there to help and it is a win win for everyone involved. They may not do the activites and may not enjoy it, but, at least they have the opportunity to do so if they change their mind.
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OMG how I can relate. The constant complaining, never satisfied...oh the pain in my arm, leg, jaw, you name it and there must be a cloud out there somewhere even on the brightest sunniest days. The food is too salty and I don't use salt on her food. She spits out the oatmeal complaining it's full of hulls. She's been to every specialists and they can't understand what's going on with her. As for my siblings, well let's just leave it at that. They are not good children to my mother because they are busy enjoying life.

I know this is not an answer but I just wanted you to know, you are not alone.
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Get him out of your house, at least for a short time! Take him to an adult day care, tell your brothers they have to pay! or take him to the assisted living facility and tell him he is staying for 30 days because you need a vacation! so easy to say, right. Try it, for a short time. Tell your brothers that you need a vacation, send him to them for 2 weeks. Do what ever you need to do to get him out of the home for a short time every month or 2 weeks or whatever. Your father is suffering 'sameness' the same thing every day, nothing different to do, nothing to see, nobody different to talk with. You both need a change.

If the "crotchety, old, impossible to please person" is not who he was before, tell his doctor. He may very well have some dementia. Or it could be a wrong mix of medication.

Try to do things differently. Introduce him to a different store to shop in, or a different dinner, or take him for a drive, let him talk at you, maybe he just wants to tell you stories. Maybe he just wants to 'flap his jaws' for an hour and can't get the attention he wants.
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Your father doesn't have dementia, so why do you tolerate the bad behaviour. Call him on it. I don't care how old or sick you are. you don't get to act like an asshole. Be honest. Tell him it is not your job to keep him entertained. That he should find something that interests him.

re:
He said he was allergic to the carpeting and felt tightness in his chest while in there. (Just plain anxiety if you ask me). It isn't, if you have an autoimmune disease new carpet smell makes you very ill. i have Multiple Sclerosis, and new carpet gives off fumes that make me deathly ill.
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