I care for my father-in-law and he has shared what his "will" is with me. How do I begin to address this to his son and daughter?

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I care for my father-in-law and he has shared what his "will" is with me. How do I begin to address this to his son and daughter?

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I care for my father-in-law. This man means the world to me and when he became ill I did not hesitate for one second and knew that I would stay home and care for him. Sadly, he has a daughter who visits every 2-3 months and a son who checks in more frequently... 2-3 times a week but doesn't stay longer than 10 min. The rest is up to my husband and myself mainly since I quit my job to care for him full time. My struggle is how do I address the fact that he is telling me what his "will" is. I know that there is one written and his daughter has it but its been written many years ago and its outdated. The man really doesn't have much, a small life insurance policies and some cash from a savings acct which he chose to keep it at home and monies from another savings acct which his daughter closed and placed in a CD acct. As you can all imagine they are going to be ready and available very quick when we speak money terms, right? I'd really appreciate your insite.

Elder Law

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I was in the same position with my grandfather who lived with me. Had will and never signed it. He just kept saying you know my wishes. Well, when he passed I couldn't fulfill them. His children took everything and us grandchildren who he wanted to have something didn't get a thing. My Mom and Uncle did the same. Came and visited once a month for an hour if their time permitted. The courts told me that since they were his children everything went to them as I was only a granddaughter. This hurt for awhile, of course, but I am so thankful for what I learned from him and was able to care for him that monetarily it really didn't matter. Yes, it would have been nice to have some compensation but just what I learned and having him with me everyday was all worth it in the end. He knew he was loved by my husband and me and the time we spent together you couldn't put a price tag on.

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I loved the way my late father-in-law handled this. His will left everything to his four children, divided equally. In his opinion, to give one child more or less will only set hostilities for the future. A truly caring parent doesn't want hostilities between their children over a will. This also would affect grandchildren down the line. In all families one child spends more time caring for the parent than others, usually it is a daughter. Some can not care for the parent, some are not included (I know this first hand) and, of course others are just too selfish. To leave a "clean plate" between the children is a wonderful gift. if the children choose to screw this up, so be it.

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First I would ask him if he'd like to make a new will. That will protect you when he dies and you start telling people that, 'no he didn't want that' and no one listens to you. Lets face it, when it comes to money I've heard of too many families turning on each other to scavenge whatever they can. So if he really wants his wishes fulfilled, then he needs it in writing. He can't expect you to go to war for him, when you're the only one that knew what his true wishes were and nothing is in writing.

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My parents tried to create a fair and equal will. I am receiving their farmhouse because I am the main caregiver and the only person living in the area. Also, I will be the person, in my father's opinion, that will have an open house for all future generations. As a result, I don't think anyone is going to be angry. A will is essential even if it is handwritten and witnessed by people who are not connected to the situation. As people age, they seem to know what really matters.

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A will should be updated every three years if possible. As long as he has mental capacity he can change it. Find a good elder care attorney and have him make an appointment ASAP. Some attorneys will come to your home. Make sure that you are not there because you don't want the family to be able to challenge it.

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If he wants an updated Will than do it sooner than later! I had an issue like that with mom. Its Your father in laws private business no one elses. If he shares that info with you I would keep it private. I know whats in my moms will however no one else does. I am with mom24/7 caring for her. So I do know her business. But I feel that siblings or family don't need that info. I want them to visit out of love not out of "I am getting something" "need to make it look good". That was some of the issues going on here. Which is sad. Contact an attorney they will guide you along!

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How can a will become outdated? My mother wrote hers in 1979 and has never had another one written.

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As far as a will it only becomes outdated if I new one is made-he really needs to get a new one done ASAP with a lawyer-your husband can be there but I do not think you should but see an elder lawyer and get it done

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I agree. I also believe it is a good thing to be as equitable as we possibly can with our children and grandchildren. Greater blessings in the long run.

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PABLIK:

Naheaton nailed it. ... If he doesn't put it down in black and white it never happened; and forget about discussing what his "will" is. In the overly-litigious American society of today, what you say isn't as important as what you can prove. Good luck.

-- ED

I care for my father-in-law and he has shared what his "will" is with me. How do I begin to address this to his son and daughter?

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